Thanks for you taking the time to reply. Ya know, I totally agree with you and Denver. I really lost myself after my mom passed and with therapy, I did find myself again; the girl he fell in love with is back. It's a shame that he can't see it. He really has totally checked out and at this juncture I do believe there may be an OW. He had put on his FB the week he served me that he wanted one of his friends "to meet the love of his life." Whatever dude!
This forum and you all, my forum family keep me on the path that I worked so hard to get to because what I was doing wasn't working and I cannot and will not revert back to that place. Do I faulter, yes, but I feel I can regroup much faster.
I'm not sure what DB methods I can apply at this juncture. I def want to try to be friends. I mean that's what we were before we became lovers, the H and W. I am VERY willing to start from that point so he can possibly build his trust in me again and see that my actions do support my words now.
I'm sorry grr that you have found yourself here again. I appreciate your support and I hope I can return the favor.
HUGS - ZG
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
Had a dream last night about H. First time since he left almost a year ago. It was a weird dream. He had come back home for some reason and we started to talk. He told me he had been with alot of women since we split up. Then the next sequence is foggy. Then all I remember is that we were sitting next to each other on the couch in the Den watching a movie. He looked into my eyes and saw that I was teary. He then pulled my head down so that I can lay on his lap and had his hand over me to hold mine. That's how the dream ended. When I woke up today, it was so vivid.
I don't know why I had this dream nor if it means anything. I was happy to have had the dream, but as the day has gone by, it just made me really sad. I had a good cry tonight. First time in a while. Not in a very good place tonight. This is that ambivalence I feel from time to time.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now. Losing a parent can be really tough esp if you were close.
The best thing you can do right now is take care of YOU. I know it's hard, but you sound like you're making some progress. Just remember it all has to be for you, not him.
Sometimes dreams like that can throw you for a loop. It's just your brain working things out. I don't know that they mean anything and if they do, you're the only one that can decipher it since it's your symbolism.
I have kept a dream journal off and on for years and it's interesting to look at them and see what they were helping me work out.
so sorry you had a tough day, but that means that tomorrow will be better! i relate to you on so many levels i am taking care of my parents right now and they are not doing too well and just when i feel like things can get no worse...well, you know when it rains it pours these days and it's so hard for me to stay the course, but like you, i need to try i need to find myself again and i am so glad that you have i bet it did throw you when you awoke from your dream and i do believe they are our brains working overtime so tired now i have not slept in days so i'm sorry if this is a bit scattered, but i just wanted you to know how i empathize and that i am right here with you i hope you are sleeping well tonight and have a brilliant day tomorrow xo
I'm sorry that you had a rough day and night Gypsy. I've had those dreams too. It is hard. We all know how you feel. You are not alone. Take care of yourself.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Just caught up with your post. You mention he moved to N. Arlington NJ, not far from me. After a year and you are still in so much pain. What steps have you taken to detach? As many have pointed out what have you done to take care of yourself?
The more I read the more I realize two things 1. You can't control the other person 2. You must take care of yourself. This D looks like it is going forward. So is mine. I will decide when to give up hope. I have set my benchmarks, you need to set yours.
Regardless of how broken hearted you fee remember the sun will come out tomorrow and this will not kill you, although you may think it does. Toninght I am in a lot of pain but tomorrow offers chance for me to heal a little more.
Every bursted bubble has a glory! Each abysmal failure makes a point! Every glowing path that goes astray, Shows you how to find a better way. So every time you stumble never grumble. Next time you'll bumble even less! For up from the ashes, up from the ashes, grow the roses of success!
For every big mistake you make be grateful!
That mistake you'll never make again!
Every shiny dream that fades and dies, Generates the steam for two more tries!
For up from the ashes, up from the ashes, grow the roses of success!
I took the night off last night from the boards as my SIL invited me to the movies and a drink out afterwards, how could I say no?!
Yesterday started off not so great. I was feeling the waves of guilt again for the entire sitch that I am in. When we went out for a drink after the movies, I got set on the road of clarity again. Divine intervention at its best! Here's the lastest....
My SIL never eally talks about my H nor do I want her to after all, she is maried to his younger brother. Having said that, there are some things she will say in "code". One of the things she mentioned to me was that my BIL (her husband) hasn't talked to my H is weeks. Apparently, they both feel quite strongly that my H is making bad choices and that my H is not going to take advice from his younger brother. I said he's not going to take advice from anyone and I was sorry to hear that he's making bad choices. What these bad choices are is anyone's guess. My assumption has and still is since he moved that an OW is now involved. She said that the grass is def not greener and that H will come to his senses when it's too late. She also told me that her and my other SIL had been talking around the time he planned to serve me. My other SIL and I have had a very rocky relationship over the years and I now understand what my role was in that and I take ownership of that. I am trying to repair that relationship and so I'm glad that my SIL I was outwith last night told me what she did. SIL #2 apparently was VERY upset and angry at my H for not calling me to let me know that he had gone ahead with the D proceedings. She thought it was very inhumane that he just was going to serve me out of the blue. I told SIL #1 that I was appreciative of her telling me this and that I didn't think it broke SIL #2 confidence. It just reiterated to me that altho no one is technically taking sides, I know that people have my back and just reinforced that I have to amend this relationship with SIL #2. SIL #1 also told me that my H still blames me for everything.
So you all are probably wondering why I feel so euphoric. Well, it just showed me how so on the path that I am to getting stronger and better each day and how blatently obvious how stuck my H still is and how this MLC has him by the throat. What I found funny is that my H hasn't been home in a year; just the very occassional visit which became more far and few as the months went by (last time was Nov) so IMHO I really haven't been in the picture at all and yet he still blames me. In a weird, twisted way, I find that very funny and I can't quite firgure out why! When the D comes thru at his initiation and his life continues to be f'd up; will he blame me still? That is when I truly believe it will hit him. I have re-read the MLC Chapter in DR about 3 times so far today. It defines my H so well at this period in his life. I do have empathy for him and I just hope he snaps out of it so he won't be in this internal hell forever.
Also, SIl#2's mom called me last week on yet another snow day we had here. It was totally out of the blue. She and I never really communicated outside family functions. She had started sending me notes around Thanksgiving saying how she missed me being there and she hoped I was doing ok. We had corresponded back and forth, here and there. She lives in Long Island and is coming down to visit with my SIL#2 and BIL#2 in Feb and that she would like to see me. We were talking about my sitch in a very general sense and I told her all the things I learned in therapy and she said "Who are you?!" She said you sound so grounded and educated or did I catch you on a good day?! I said perhaps a little of both!!! It was nice to know that someone could here those changes in my my voice. I was a little shocked what was coming out of my mouth as well!
I thanked SIL#1 who I was out with last night, for keeping me included in their lives and their childrens lives. Their youngest is my Godson! She said that my BIL and her had a conversation about the dynamics of this whole thing when it first blew up and how they felt best to handle it. She said they both agreed without hestitation that they wanted me to still be a part of their lives. They miss me at the holiday gatherings and my SIL said that she doesn't have any sisters only her mom and 1 Aunt, but that Aunt has 5 children of her own so it was nice that she had a sister relationship with me. I was very touched and I think it really made me pause to think about how people perceieve me and the energy that I am putting out there.
I realized that I backslid a bit bearing all the guilt I felt yesterday earlier in the day. But I really did get put back on track. It was a bit of an emotional conversation too. I had told her part of my accountability in the breakdown of my marriage was that after my mom died I felt so guilty for not being able to save her. She had cancer, so it was totally out of my hands. But, my mom always saved me and I was holding on to such terrible guilt that I couldn't do the same for her. My SIL reminded me of how I did everything I could for my mom; what a strong advocate I was for her (and I was), but I really had forgotten that part and I thanked her for reminding me of that. I told her that thru this guilt and depression that I ignored the 2 most important people in my marriage, myself and my H. Nothing will EVER justify this D. My H just walked away and quit.
2Step - I heard where my H lives is just "ok" in terms of neighborhoods (River Road). I had a friend who lived in Kearny when I was in my 20's (long ago!) which I know is not very far from there either. I don't remember my friends neighborhood being overly nice and not overly bad either.
My synopsis is that my H is going to totally crash and burn at some point. If his own family is saying he is making bad choices that is HUGE to me. I will just keep presenting myself in the better light. I like me now. I'm the person my H fell in love with and so much more. How sad that he's too caught up in his own selfish drama to be able to see it. I will still have the door open but now it's gone from wide open to only open ajar. And when he comes to his senses, I will decide whether I open it all the way again or if it will only remain open where it's currently at.
I know I will have more rollercoaster days and I am not an overly religious person, but I honestly feel that Karma is a bitch and even those who are soulless will have regret.
One other note: I went to my Grandmother's friends funeral yesterday AM. Since I am the only person left on my side of the fam, I thought I would show my Grandmother some respect and go. Her friend was 95. Something profound struck me in the eulogy and that was this women never had any children, which I never knew but she had a big family. They said she was never into wordly possesions and that her greatest treasure was her family. I thought now that is huge how good Karma can really be paid forward and that's how I want to live my life.
I hope everyone had a great w/e and I will try to catch with all the posts later today!
As always, I welcome your thoughts!
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
2Step - what's going on? BTW - did file or did your W?
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
