Scared and Alone

[MrBond]

Does he check out your FB account? It might be good for him to see what you are doing in your "single" life.

[lostinscared]

Mr. Bond!!! Thanks for stopping by!

Nah. Mostly because I am not a big FB user. Kind of makes me uncomfortable.

He has sent someone to the gym to find out if I'm there and has also tried to get on my computer to try to see what I am doing.
The gym thing has got him scrambling a bit. Not sure why. And he is asking a lot of questions about my computer usage. And then he also stands outside my bedroom door to try to figure out who I'm talking to on the phone.

Today he got mad at me. I have had a migraine all day and left work a couple of minutes early. He asked me twice if I wanted him to take me home and I said I was fine (I was). He got upset and I asked why he was upset and he said, "you normally don't like to drive when you have a migraine." I think this means he's starting to get upset because I won't ask him for anything??? He had a similar issue with me yesterday. This is a new development in a long string of odd behavior.

[MrBond]

Yep he definitely feels you are slipping away. For the gym thing, he's worried about you looking good for other men.

IMO, I would keep looking and smelling my best when you are around him, maybe even a little naughty looking. Maybe change your hair and wardrobe style.

When he gets upset about things like the driving home issue, just shrug it off as if what he says is no big deal.

The most important thing to realize is that you are the one in the driver's seat now. I used the analogy of the scene at the end of Grease where Sandy changed into the "bad girl" and didn't really care what Danny thought. You are in that position now. You can get him to WANT you.

[FellOnBlackDays]

Lost,
Call me crazy, but is sure sounds to me like you have already taken some control. You are GAL'ing, taking care of yourself and have him in a position where he seems to be wanting your attention. No, you may not have control of the sitch. But you do seem to have some control over what is happening to you, right? I like where you are. It isn't a sandy beach in Hawaii, of course, but there is a change in your tone. You are starting to show some confidence whether you realize it or not. I like it. I like it alot and I am so proud of you. We may not be able to offer you the best advice all the time. But we can always offer you a kind ear and a hearty amount of friendly support. Keep going, don't stop, don't look back. I think you might be doing far better than you imagine. You and Denver are really turning a corner and I am proud to call you BITS!!! Make us proud!

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[Bolt]

Lost!
Just read through your sitch and really see some major changes. I agree with FOBD that you are taking some control. I mean, he's having someone check on you at the gym? That's serious control on your part.

I also agree with MrBond. Work it! That will give you so much confidence - even if you simply wear a leopard print bra under your work clothes. Nobody else will see it but won't you feel better about it? Me thinks yes

Please keep up the good work. At a certain point you will want to talk about the R with him but right now, keep GAL-ing. You'll end up better on the other end no matter what!

[lostinscared]

Hey Bolt!! Thanks for stopping by!!

I swear, when I think I'm at my wits end, you guys continue to absolutely crack me up!!!! I'm near tears this morning and I open this up and I almost fell off my chair laughing!

Ugh, Bond... you are so right! Did a bit of the wardrobe change. I'm down two dress sizes so not a lot fits, but I bought some skirts and wear them a lot with the knee high boots My hair?? Ugh... I had it straightened, but he likes curly hair (those guys are rare)... so I'm letting it go back to curly. You know they say that smell has the longest memory of all the senses. So I went back to wearing the same lotion I wore when we first dated. And Bolt, seriously, I did that with the leopard print!!!! I can't stop laughing!

Now, FOBD and all... as far as the control... who knows? I guess this is why I'm so confused. I told you that he's done a bit of a change towards me... I normally would think those things were positive. BUT, he's made no effort to come back into the bedroom, he doesn't kiss me goodbye anymore (that stopped when he told me he was moving out two weeks ago), he doesn't take his breaks with me, he doesn't normally have lunch with me, he doesn't usually call me to tell me he's on his way home anymore. Those things are gone. So, I'm just not sure what to make of any of it.

I think that this weekend will prove interesting. Two weeks ago, he said he was moving out. He went to look at apartments that first day. The following weekend he went away on a trip. So, I'm interested in what happens this weekend.

Mostly, I'm just following the FOBD prescription... working my behind off at the gym and making friends. I guess it means a lot to hear that I'm sounding confident. That makes me excited!!! I know that's because of the gym. It really has been a refuge for me.

You all are awesome! Thanks for sticking with me!

LIS

[Bolt]

that is so awesome about the bra !!

So glad we can help make your day. My career is to make people laugh so glad I can help

I would suggest to stop looking for the big changes and recognize the little ones. He is stopping around and asking you questions. Sure, he hasn't given you the ILY or the hugs/kisses BUT there is a difference in just a few weeks ago, no?

My C told me that expectations are what really kill momentum. You should treat your expectations like you two are divorced. That way, when he does something small you can act like - would he do that if you WERE D? I did that and it worked wonders.

The examples are: would he really care to ask what you were doing on the computer? Would he ask where you were going? Would he have someone check on you at the gym???

NOT if you were divorced. Take solace in the fact that at some level he does still care. No matter how small or how little it seems. BUT if you don't see that and don't try to make it continue, you may lose that little bit you are getting.

My W would say, "I'm giving you all that I can right now and it still isn't enough. Why bother?" - it's so true!!!

Imagine this. What if you weren't working out to look better. He would ask you if you could hit the gym. You do and you lose 2 pounds in a week. That's a huge accomplishment AND something that takes a lot of effort. You feel good about yourself and want to share it with him. Then he turns around and says, "Only 2 pounds? Maybe you should hit the gym harder."

Holy cow would that push you over the rail. WHAT? I just worked my tail off and that wasn't good enough??

See the correlation? Take the expectation OUT of what he may or may not give you. Treat those as gifts. When he looks at you a certain way, asks about your day - THOSE are gifts of caring. Chances are, if you don't expect anymore, eventually you will get more.

Weird how that works but it does.

[lostinscared]

Bolt,

This is where I'm struggling so much and this is where I might have absolutely screwed this up. H wanted to drive me to work today because he was afraid migraine was still bothering me (it wasn't). I said I was fine. He looked genuinely sad.

Here's the thing... his chief complaint about me is that when we moved and I got depressed, I pushed him away. So, I guess that is what I am doing right now. But, I tried to be more affectionate and attentive when he first announced that he was unhappy and that backfired badly. Now, I'm going in the opposite direction. I am not so sure I am doing that because of the advice or I'm doing that because I really just gave up, but that's what I did. Well, it looked like it was working well. Except now, he looks rejected half the time. So today I make an effort to be a bit more involved in what he's saying or doing. I try to respond a bit better. Well, he's going the other way. It's here where I just get tired of it.

Now, I'm scared to death that this weekend he's going to pull the trigger on leaving. I mean he really did a turnaround today. I'm going to tell him the same thing I told him last time: that I support him if that is the way this heads. But it's gonna hurt like crazy.

You're right, I should have enjoyed the time when I had it. I just couldn't deal with it because I'm just so different in how I think about things. I couldn't understand him nor appreciate him because I was still too upset about him walking away. I guess part of me still is.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. And I'm still so happy for you, Bolt. You are doing AWESOME!

LIS

[FellOnBlackDays]

Lost,
Stay strong, sweetheart! You are doing very well. Yes, it is a delicate but dangerous game we are all playing now. I do wonder sometimes if my W is misinterpreting my "going dark" as not caring. But I will have to keep it up because when I was chasing, she was taking every chance she could get to destroy me.

Remember, "one size does not fit all here." We have said that a thousand times. You will have to be the one to judge when it might be time to meet him in the middle. I wish we could help more, but only you know what happens in your home. Trust your instincts for now. They have gotten you this far.

Let me leave you with this tonight. If he moves out this weekend, don't panic. Yes, it is going to be unpleasant. My wife has "moved" things on three separate occasions over the past few months. And, hey, look at the day I had today. You can get through this, OK. Right now I am sitting in a half furnished living room where most of my stuff is missing and the walls are bare because I agreed to part with the artwork. Yet, I am sitting here sending you my best. Not to mention, it has given me some time to work on myself all alone. It is not fun. But, it is not the end of the world or your relationship. I promise!

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

[Denver_2010]

Lost,
Stay strong, sweetheart! You are doing very well. Yes, it is a delicate but dangerous game we are all playing now. I do wonder sometimes if my W is misinterpreting my "going dark" as not caring. But I will have to keep it up because when I was chasing, she was taking every chance she could get to destroy me.

Remember, "one size does not fit all here." We have said that a thousand times. You will have to be the one to judge when it might be time to meet him in the middle. I wish we could help more, but only you know what happens in your home. Trust your instincts for now. They have gotten you this far.

Let me leave you with this tonight. If he moves out this weekend, don't panic. Yes, it is going to be unpleasant. My wife has "moved" things on three separate occasions over the past few months. And, hey, look at the day I had today. You can get through this, OK. Right now I am sitting in a half furnished living room where most of my stuff is missing and the walls are bare because I agreed to part with the artwork. Yet, I am sitting here sending you my best. Not to mention, it has given me some time to work on myself all alone. It is not fun. But, it is not the end of the world or your relationship. I promise!

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

FOBD hit the nail on the head. Nothing more to say to that!