As I mentioned, H has had a "wall" up for the last month or so. Despite saying he was "back home" prior to leaving for the conference, he returned back to town and went to his apartment. The evening after he was back, he came over to the house to hear about our Las Vegas trip and to go out to dinner. Once again, he seemed a bit standoff-ish but was still chatty and polite. Dinner was good but again, he's gone back to being hands-off with me. After dinner, he went back to his place.
I chatted with him a bit on IM later and somehow I managed to get to the topic of honesty. I told him that all I ask is for him to be honest with me. And the fact that he used the excuse of "it being late" to go back to his apartment was ridiculous. I said, if you wanted to be alone, just say so. He said OK, but it WAS late. I said "I call BS because that's NEVER been an issue". He didn't have much to say after that.
That night, I checked my FB right before I went to bed. Saw that H had posted that he was taking a FB hiatus #2. He posted that he wasn't deactivating this time but wouldn't be on it for awhile. I found that surprising since I had just been IMing with him and he hadn't mentioned it. I texted him and asked him why he was doing that. He said that he just needed a break and that he felt like he had taken many steps backwards. I left it at that. However, when I went to his page to see who responded to him, I discovered that the post that x-OW had made about us losing our cat was gone. I found that odd. It didn't take long for me to realize that I had been blocked on FB by the x-OW.
Despite my overwhelming need to know why, I delayed bringing it up until I felt the time was right. That time was about 24 hours later. I called H and asked straight up, "why would x-OW block me on FB". His answer was "I asked her to". I asked why. He said, because you wouldn't block her and I knew that her posts bothered you. And he said that that was a big part of why he was taking another hiatus. Because he didn't need that drama.
I explained that I was NOT bothered by the fact that x-OW posts. I was bothered by the fact that x-OW posts indicate to me that she has NOT given up and that his refusal to defriend her indicates that he's OK with that. Unfortunately, this led back into the discussion about the fact that he didn't feel he did anything wrong. He had told me the marriage was over way before he started anything up. He felt that defriending her was, in a way, an admission of guilt...that he did something wrong. I tried to explain that I really did understand that he didn't consider it "an affair". I get that. We have a difference of opinion but I really do GET IT. HOWEVER. I told him that if he was serious about working it out with me, he cannot continue to text, email and FB a woman who still WANTS TO MARRY HIM. During the conversation, I emphasized that last part several times. After a few times, he actually asked me to stop using that terminology. I asked why since it was accurate was it not? He could not deny it was accurate.
The conversation went on for awhile. Basically he said that the post conference weekend was truly awful for him and he was reevaluating all his decisions over the last few months. He feels like if he's being honest, he thinks he's made the decision to come back out of a feeling of responsibility for D, not me. He said that if D wasn't in the picture he thinks he'd be gone. He then recounted the first trip he took with x-OW and said that he was the happiest he had ever been in his life those few days. It was when he returned home and had to deal the the realities of D and possibilities of visitation, divorce, etc, that he had great anxiety, depression, stress, etc. And that he basically sees his choices as do the right thing by D and be unhappy, or leave D to go and be happy.
I told him that I was genuinely happy to hear that he had found some happiness. That's all I want for him. But if he wants my honest assessment (which he was kind of asking for), I felt that the feelings of unbridled happiness was not surprising given the fact that it was a new relationship, on vacation with no responsibilities. And while I agree that he may have been happy in that relationship for quite some time, I felt that eventually he would become unhappy because at his core, he is not happy. And to search out happiness from external sources cannot work.
Despite my gentle but persistent attempts to drive that message home, he just doesn't "buy it" or get it. I realized during the conversation that he's clearly regressed quite a bit. He clearly sees nothing good about me and he had supposedly never been happy in the marriage. He also kind of made the assertion that once D was born, he was kind of "trapped". That was a new one. I reiterated over and over that all I want is for him to find happiness. But the only way that will happen is if he works on himself. He kept trying to force me to answer hypothetical questions about whether I would rather take a dream job and leave D or stay with D but have a crappy job. I told him that I reject the proposition since things are rarely that black and white. HOWEVER, given the options, I would of course pick D. He then kind of told me that his options are basically a combination of 4 things. Either be happy with D, be happy without D, be unhappy with D, be unhappy without D. In the "be unhappy with D" option, he proposed it as being at home, doing family stuff, being the dad he needs to be, but he was still unhappy and unfulfilled. I told him that I was taking that option off the table because I'm not OK with that. He said that I don't factor into that particular hypothetical. I said I most certainly do because I'm not going to live in the same house and sleep in the same bed and pretend like I have a happy husband when you're actually miserable. I said, I DO actually have a part in this because what's going to happen once she goes off to college in 4 years. You finally leave? That doesn't work out so well for me. I think he saw my point.
The conversation eventually fizzled. Partly because it was really really late and partly because he had already had vodka and during the conversation, had to take Xanax due to an anxiety attack. I ended by telling him that although I may sound repetitive, all I would recommend is that he work on himself. Otherwise, no matter what choice he makes, I fear he will still end up unhappy.
So today I was pretty introspective. I feel like I'm back to the way things were back in October. He hasn't gone back to x-OW but clearly he's still conflicted. Therefore, my mindset and actions must go back to the way things were. His MLC is worse than it's been for many months. He's back to asking me the same questions numerous times and having no idea he's doing it. He's back to wanting no physical contact. He's gone back to not asking me about my day. He's back to forgetting to lock the door when he leaves the house.
H had to pick up D this afternoon from school since I had to work. Given our conversation, I kind of expected him to either leave before I got home, or leave as soon as I got home. To my surprise, he not only stayed once I got home, but had made grilled salmon, mashed potatoes, and some biscuits (he was always a fabulous cook). He acted upbeat and we had a nice dinner. He helped clean up after dinner but then said he needed to go. We chatted a bit on IM after that and he got into a very sad mode as he sent me picture after picture of our recently deceased cat. It brought both of us to tears.
I'm not quite sure what to make about his relatively upbeat behavior today. I worry that he may be trying the "do right by D and damn it all if I'm unhappy" approach. But I'm going to give him the time and space he needs to figure out his plans. Unfortunately, I'm sure there are plenty of more ups and downs in both our futures. I'm strapped in and as ready as I can be.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
