I'd read this entire thread; and my heart really goes out to you; and from reading your signature; you're VERY early in this; although you've said that it started about 10 years ago.
Breathe, lady; you're gonna make it through this; the advice you've gotten is sound.
I saw one thing I'd like to address..honey, what he's going through is NOT your fault; you didn't "cause" this; nor can you fix it.
It wouldn't have mattered if you'd done everything in a "perfect" way, it STILL would have happened. This has everything to do with him; and actually NOTHING to do with you.
His spewing; and hurtful complaints are just that, although there are always GRAINS of truth within what they say.
Please don't take it personally, he really is speaking from his pain within...and I know it's hard to take; I was there, too.
You could fix everything as it came up; but he would find something else to complain about...so the changes/journey is for YOU, not him.
When his MLC happened to me; I was destroyed; and I didn't understand at first; people were telling me I had a journey to take for myself; and the first question I asked was "Why do I have to make changes,when it was HIM that did wrong?"
The answer was that change must first begin within you...as you are the only one you can control.
I didn't "get it" until three months after I was bombed; actually I was bombed twice..once when I discovered he was viewing porn, twice when I discovered his affair less than a month later.
I was angry; fussed back at the people who seemed to be "telling" me what to do; and I came very close to filing for a divorce...I just wasn't "getting it"...but it took time for it to hit home with me.
God intervened at that time; and sent someone to convince me to hang in there...I saw many things ahead, but did NOT see it all...I could only focus on one day at a time..working on myself was a full time job...and most of that time; though my husband never moved out; I could have been a fly on the wall or dirt on the floor as far as he was concerned.
It didn't matter to me; I detached; and worked on me, ANYWAY; knowing this was for my greater good.
We went through a 3 year crisis, initially; THEN, when I thought it was all over and done with; less than 2 years later; a final issue within my husband came up...keeping us in for six years.
During that time I endured a Mid Life Transition triggered by his crisis....but I still had to deal from time to time.
I had learned my lessons in the first round; but they weren't working on him like they had before.
The Lord intervened early last year; and my husband broke his ankle..which was the catalyst that brought him out for a second time. This time was right; and he's been finished as of nearly a week ago.
So, for me that makes a little over 11 years that I've dealt with this.
There are things you talk about in your situation that I've never dealt with; but my heart goes out to you, anyway; as this is very painful for you.
I HAVE however dealt with wanting to quit nearly every day; as the trial got even harder in the second half than it was in the first half. I carried a burden that was meant for two for some time; and I even broke up a EA(he'd had a EA that went to a PA in the initial crisis).
Yet, God in His Mercy and understanding gave me the necessary strength I needed to deal each and every day; with a Mid Life transition; a rebellious child that was masquerading as my husband; a full time job..and a few other things.
God NEVER puts anymore of you than you can bear; I can attest to that.
I lost a great deal, but gained that much more out of I went through.
No one can tell you what to do or how to do it; all the advice in the world can be given, but the end result is truly up to YOU.
The journey within is a painful one; one that shows you many truths about yourself; and when you think you've uncovered all there is; there will be ONE more issue to look at and try to settle and heal from.
You're torn betwixt and between at this time; I, too, walked in those shoes at one time; but there came a time when I walked forward; but that was on MY time; not anyone else's.
You know certain things are out of your hands; but you're still beating yourself up for the mistakes you made beforehand; please, understand that you're human, and therefore not perfect..no one is.
Be kind to yourself as you continue to walk your journey..you're very fragile right now...and see no end to this at the moment.
The pain is deep within you; and you see no way of soothing it.
This will not last within you, as I see a VERY strong and independent woman; and she will emerge victorious, with or without her marriage.
In fact, you remind me of ME so long ago...and you WILL come through; though it doesn't look like it right now...I know you'll come through.
I realize your husband's perception of you is skewed for right now; and I know there are no guarantees that he will change back in the future, no one knows what will happen ahead; but keep working on yourself..it is for your greater good; and the rewards are worth the journey.
You'll be fine, no matter what happens in the future; simply let go and let God work within the situation; He is the only one who knows what is ahead.
Love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
