Living Like Roomates 2

[coldwinter]

Gnosis, thanks from me as well. I know this is Punchy's thread and sometimes I feel like I'm using it for me too. Maybe its because on the surface our problem is very similar.

Punchy, those last 3 points Gnosis listed are very interesting.

One last thing, I want to clarify my "doing nothing", it was meant only when referring to confronting W or any R talk.

We have work to do.

Cold

[angel61]

Gnosis, I like your posts to Punchy, they are vey direct in giving advice. I have a similar sitch, except for gender reversal. This is what is great about this boards - We read about each other sitches, take the similarities, look at all the advice and aply them!

[dbmod]

punchy,

You've gotten some good advice and some not so good advice. If you take the hard line, set limits with consequences, you will likely push your wife out the door.

You have mentioned some positives along the way--they are baby steps. You need to do more of the things that are giving you positives. The last thing you want to do is cut your wife off and stop meeting any of her emotional needs.

When in doubt, do nothing. While most affairs burn out in the first 6 months, some take a lot longer, and take a lot of patience.

Reread what Michele says at the top of the infidelity thread and on her blogs. You've been doing a good job, it just needs a little tweaking.

You know a fair amount about the other man now. What keeps her attached? WHICH emotional needs is he meeting? How can you meet them BETTER?

[punchy]

Thanks dbmod. This is all very informative. I am uncomfortable cutting off all communication initiated by me. I did this prior to the bomb being dropped and it didn't help the situation. I do I think that I need to drop the gifts and favours because I agree that they are a form of pursuit. I think they make my wife feel guilty.

In terms of the OM, I believe that he showed admiration, interest and listened to her issues. I am trying to be there for my wife, show interest in what she is doing and listen. Withdrawing from her at this time would only strengthen the OM position. I do think that cutting my wife off completely would be a step backwards.

Anything related to pursuing, needs to come to an end.


I do need to stop pursuing and this will be the first change that I make. Giving her some additional space would be an option to cutting her off completely. I do need to try something different as things seem to have stalled out.

[dbmod]

I agree with you. Learning to listen really well is quite an art. Become an expert.

[punchy]

Update...

So I spent the weekend reviewing these most recent posts and come up with the following approach. In reviewing the various comments, it is apparent that I was still very much in the pursuing mode. Even when my wife made comments that my actions made her feel guilty or that she didn't want me doing them I continued on. It really came down to my fear of what may happen if I stop doing them.

Clearly I have to overcome my fear and give my wife the space that she needs to sort this thing out. To do this I have come up with the following:

1) Remaining calm, confident and positive at all times. For the most part I have been doing this. Certainly my anger has been shut down 100% and I am no longer an impatient person. the challenge is to always be positive. There have been times when I have been down and sulking in my approach. No more!

2) No more pursuing. No gifts, no favours, no more making her lunch or going out to buy her a coffee first thing in the morning. If she aks me to do a favour or errand, I will glady do it, but no more trying to win back her favour. This has been the hardest thing for me to deal with, because I felt that I needed to do these things because I never did them before the Bomb was dropped.

3) Give her space. No more calling her at work to see how her day is going. If I contact her, it will only be to see that the kids schedules are under control. At home, I will focus on keeping busy with getting things done around the house. Things that in the past she wanted worked on, but I never had the time or interest in getting them done.

4) Be there if needed. I will still work on being a great listener and support. If she wants to talk about her day and vent her frustrations, then I will be there to listen.

5) GAL - this I will continue working on. I think I have been pretty good at this in terms of going to the gym and having other activities outside of the house. Going out for lunch with people at work etc.

Anyway, so that is the plan effective this morning. Stay tuned.

[punchy]

So I completed my first day of my modified LRT. I have to admit that I did not think it would be this difficult. The comments on this thread about me being fearful of giving up the pursuing activities were bang on.

Typically on a Monday morning I have to go into work early, so I would get up and get my wife a Starbucks Coffee while she stayed at home and got the kids off to school. (I started doing this only after the Bomb was dropped) Today was the first time in over a year that I didn't go out and get her a coffee. (My wife loves her coffee, but she said my doing this made her feel guilty) At night she mentioned to me that because of meetings etc she didn't get her morning coffee until after 11:00. I didn't respond directly and she didn't ask why I didn't go out and get her one like I have been doing.

In addition, I did not make her a lunch, something that I also started doing after the Bomb was dropped. I had a hard time last not making her one for today! I also did not contact her yesterday other than to send a couple of email reponses to her about the kids after school activities. Normally, I would phone her at lunch time to ask her how her day was going etc.

At home last night, I was upbeat, pleasent and listened while she vented about her day at work. After that, I went off to do a few things around the house and later went to the gym.

Anyway, I will stick with this new plan as hard and as counterintuitive as it seems to be. It truly does come down to the fact that I was afraid that not doing these things would worsen my position. The reality is that doing these things were doing more harm then good in that I was pursuing her. In her mind, the marriage is over, so why would I continue bothering with these pursuing activities.

I need to give her space.

[coldwinter]

Punchy,
I hope and pray that your new plan shows some results. This may
take weeks to see a small improvement.
What you were doing wasn't working, so it was time for a change.

This "fear" thing is a real bitch,...I know.

This is like walking a tightrope; being friendly, but yet to lovingly detach.

Stay cool,calm and confident
Cold

[punchy]

Thanks Cold. You are right, we are walking a fine line here. We need to be friendly and supportive, but we can't engage from our end.

What I was doing wasn't working, so a change was needed. If nothing else, I will deal with the "Fear Factor" and continue to evolve into a more confident person.

I like the 4C's. They are good guide for how I should approach each and every day going forward.

[Gnosis]

Gnosis, I like your posts to Punchy, they are vey direct in giving advice. I have a similar sitch, except for gender reversal.

Thanks Angel. There are some similarities in approach for both genders however I'm of the belief that women and men are NOT equal and the approaches to both cannot be the same. In my earlier posts I gave a lot of advice to women that helped them. If you click on my name and then click "View posts" you can access them. Go to the very early posts.

I like the 4C's. They are good guide for how I should approach each and every day going forward.

The 4C's would probably be my "trademark" on this board. I've never explained to anyone why I chose them. Everyone is used to hearing "Cool, calm and collected" but the last one is also important.

Here's my breakdown on WHY:

1) Keeping your cool prevents you from losing your temper and being pulled into fruitless arguments.

2) Staying calm under the pressure of WAS spew causes the WAS to calm down too. It takes the spark away from the gasoline.

3) Keeping yourself collected prevents your spouse from provoking you and shows them that they can no longer influence/manipulate you. i.e. You no longer REACT to situations.

4) Be confident in yourself. You have the tools, you have the strength to get through this. Even if you don't feel it, you do. Showing confidence nullifies fear.

This "fear" thing is a real bitch

That, sir, is the understatement of the millennium. Fear of your spouse and their reaction cripples your DB'ing efforts.

DB'ing aside, fear cripples you and your ability to live your life in EVERY aspect: business, friendships, career... EVERYTHING. When you allow yourself to be controlled by it, you lose. Make no mistake, fear is a good thing too. It shows you your weaknesses if you take time to recognize it for what it is.

The advantage of knowing your fear is that you now have an opportunity to conquer it. It's not easy to do this. It takes practice and consistent effort. The best example I can think of this is when you were a youngster and wanted to ride a bike. You had that fear of falling off... but you persisted. Sure you had a parent or someone there to reassure you, but at the end of the day you learned to ride your bike because you conquered your fear of falling off the bike.