Newbie- Very Lost- Not Sure where to start

[tdb68]

Just found this board and joined. Here is my sitch, sorry to be so long, but first time posting, wanting to give as much background as possible. My wife and I have been together for 21 years, married for almost 19. Patterns just keep repeating themselves. S12 and S 13, separated first time 8-2002, after much turmoil post 911. Got back together 10-2002. Seemed good until 3-2009 when I discovered W- having EA. Went to MC for months and then first bomb 9-2009, when she WAW, she disappeared with our boys while she had one of my "friends take me out for the afternoon", so much for friends. Sitch had been escalating since I found out about the EA, which may have also been PA, lies after lies and I kept getting angry looking for the "whole truth", until she walked out. Took turns living in the house until 11-2009, when I moved back in (to the basement), going to keep trying for the kids. Continued going to MC the entire time, and then found two other courses "A New Beginning" and Marriage Fitness, went through both of them, one in 12-2009, next in Jan-Feb 2010. Now can live in the same house as roommates.. 3-2010 found what we thought was a "breakthrough", went through another course "Dynamic Marriage", from 3-2009 through 5-2009, seemed like everything was better than ever. Back to sleeping in the same bed, vacations together (two of us and the family), we had built a real team atmosphere, lost my anger, tried to forget the past. Life was great. Then, I made a Grave error on 12-30-2010, W and I at a party at the "friends" house who betrayed me and snuck me out of the house 15 months earlier so that my W could take the kids and walk away. This friend and my W disappeared at the party together for 30 minutes, and I completely lost my cool when they returned, yelled at W, and took a swing at "friend". (I know, not the right way to handle sitch). Life has now gone back to where we were almost a year and a half ago, wanted me to move out again, has not come near me, ice cold. We agreed to stay in the house together, since the last separation was so hard on the kids. She agreed to not do anything for 30 days, (D Day coming 1-31). We are getting along fine as friends, she asked me to move to the basement, won't sleep in the same bed as me, but now she sleeps with me on the opposite couch every night... anyone like to comment on that?? We went to lunch together and shopping on Friday, watch TV together, can play Scrabble together, yet, she has brought up the big D twice in the last two weeks?? Cook dinner together for our family, eat together as a family...I just found this site and ordered Divorce Remedy, and Divorce Busting books, which one should I read first (as soon as they get here)? I am not willing to give up on this, starting going to MC myself again immediately, wife says she won't even consider it, now I have completely shut up and don't say a word about the R. Just not sure where to start and am not really sure if she is going to push for the D on the 31st. Taking care of myself and shutting up about the R were the things I learned last time around.. Any comments from anyone on here would be very welcomed.

Thank you all..

[grebjack]

I dunno what I'm talking about 'cause I'm another of these lost souls who are praying to get their own relationships back, but here's my reaction:

You need to figure out what drove you to throw that punch and fix THAT in you. She gave you a second chance, and maybe she'll give you a third, but God forbid you have to ask her for a fourth! As Mort would say, the key is consistency.

On the Jan 31 deadline, I too am facing a deadline (my husband will move 1000 miles away in a few months) and thinking about it makes me panicked and desperate. My coach's advice is to put it out of my mind. By whatever means necessary. It's not healthy to repress your feelings, but I'm bargaining that this is temporary. And that I can't afford either the lack of discipline or the oh-so-attractiveness of being panicked and desperate. My goal is to become a woman worthy of the amazing man who married me and maybe you can set a goal like that for yourself.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Read Divorce Remedy, its the updated Divorce Busting, and you' only need to read it. Don't share or show to your wife, she'll think its a trick.

When she brought up the D, was it in reaction to something you did or said? think about it, and don't to or say that again.

Oh, stop saying I love you, easy quick advice from the book, when you say it it reminds her she doesn't love you.

Look around and read others, lots of good advice in these posts.
Be willing to learn, if you alreaqdy know everything...best of luck to you.

[tdb68]

grebjack,
thanks for the feedback, I immediately started seeing a counselor over the swing I took at my "supposed friend" who betrayed me more than once with my wife. She and I were doing great, and I am continuing to work on myself, and try to keep my mouth shut as much as possible, while being as supportive as I can. I am just hoping that all of the good going on right now (although, we are just roommates) will keep her wondering long enough to open her mind. Thanks for the feedback, and good luck in your journey.

[tdb68]

Jack,
thanks for the response, I haven't said I love you in weeks, but I do still call her "Hun", and tell her she looks good, etc.. I already read the first chapter of Divorce Remedy, just waiting for my actual copy to arrive. One thing I have learned by going through this before, I don't know much, and always have to keep learning in order to have any chance. She brought up the D, as a result of not wanting to live "in flux" again, we did that last year for 6 or 7 months. Although, she has not gone anywhere, told me to move to the basement, and sleeps down there with me every night on the other couch?? Go figure, not sure what to make of that. I have spent hours reading this board since I discovered it last week, one thing I have found that we are certainly not the only ones going through this type of situation, thanks for the support and suggestions.

[dbmod]

Jump to the Last Resort Technique. In the meantime, you can do a search and read about it on this stie. Hang in there, it will be ok.

[tdb68]

OK.. got my books and read through the LRT. One question for anyone, she is still talking to me using terms of endearment, hun,babe, etc... and I have been responding the same, should I continue to do this and follow her lead? or try to be a little more distant, I don't really want to add to any of the coldness. Any suggestions?

[tdb68]

I am really struggling trying to detach, trying to implement LRT. I stopped calling my wife during the day, and now she is calling me all of the time, conversations to "check and see if I am safe" while I was out plowing snow yesterday. All of the sudden her wedding rings are back on this morning, I don't want to read too much into this, put, if she is trying to pull closer, what do you do? I don't want to start ignoring her phone calls, but am I doing this wrong if I don't distance?

[grebjack]

Oh, dbmod, "it will be okay" sounds so confident. I wish we all could FEEL that way.

Do you have to distance? The correct answer can't possibly be the same for all of us, can it? People are so different, and my husband fell for ME. I am doing my best to follow the advice in the books, from my coach, etc., but every once in a while I run into something that is just so not me that I decide I just can't go there.

Exciting that she's wearing her rings again!

[MrBond]

IMHO, I don't think you're in LRT.

I see alot of issues stemming from that A of hers that were just swept under the rug. One of which is the issue of your "friend". Have you talked to your W about that? Were issues of the A discussed at all in the past? Had she ever apologized sincerely and remorsefully for her A?

I have a feeling that wasn't dealt with properly so I you two did was put a bandaid over the wound without healing correctly.