And this is also called "standing" for the marriage; but Standing does not mean "waiting"; in this process, you must eventually learn through detachment to disentangle yourself from him emotionally..in the process of being married; somehow, over the years, the two of you "meshed" together into "one", but the WRONG kind of one.
There is often an "adult/child" relationship going on before the crisis; with the LBS often on the "child" end..but it can be the other way around, too. It's an uneven balance of power that IF the crisis is resolved; and the marriage goes into reconciliation and rebuilding; changes to an even balance of power.
When two individuals get married, they need to still be the individuals they are...because of baggage from the past; and the tendency of people to marry what is "familiar"( from childhood) to them in the way of "emotional patterns"...it creates a very unhealthy situation.
The journey you go on to find yourself involves looking deep within to find the areas within yourself that need improving..none of us are or were perfect, therefore ALL of us before the crisis had issues of a kind; some from the family of origin; others were wounded at different times in their lives.
In that process, you learn life's lessons; which involve learning that the only person you can control is yourself. Also, in that process you'll learn how to set healthy boundaries for yourself..this is all for YOU; not your MLC spouse...they have these same lessons to learn on their own...and both of you, at this time; are on separate paths within each individual journey.
The crisis changes both of you in ways you won't even be able to imagine until your journey to wholeness and healing gets underway.
In that process; you learn to survive emotionally on your own; not being so dependent upon your husband; him, in turn; when/if the times comes becomes more respectful of your independence; and the two people become "equal partners" for the first time in their lives.
I have seen this last paragraph with my own two eyes; and I know several other couples that came out this same way.
It's not an easy road to come to this end; and some never make it; for various reasons; but the biggest is the fact that it lies within the hands of the MLC'er who holds the entire decision as to whether they want to return to the marriage, or not.
It does NOT matter what the LBS wants or doesn't want; but some marriages are brought through to the end; and the couple stays together.
There are NO guarantees as to how this will come out...I learned this when I went through with my husband....and I stood with all I had; even learning that it was possible that he might have decided to leave me for good....I eventually arrived at a place where I knew I would be ok, regardless of what happened.
Long before then, I was like you; lost; destroyed; and my life, as I knew it, was shattered in pieces. And, like you, I was totally dependent upon my husband.
I'm not now...I took that journey I spoke of to wholeness and healing; learning in that process to set my boundaries firm; and in that process, I grew and matured into what I was meant to be.
It was a LONG and hard journey; but I'm a successful person, NOT because my marriage came through, but because I took the time to learn and grow on my OWN.
As I changed, my husband was forced to change and come forward; or walk away...HIS CHOICE...him walking away would not have been my choice, but it could have happened, if he had not been willing to accept my boundaries on bad behavior from him.
With that said....YOU are the only one who can decide what you want; no one else can decide that for you. People can advise; and help you with direction; but in the end, it will be up to YOU; to do whatever you choose.
The starting AND finishing of the journey to wholeness and healing is the most IMPORTANT thing you can do for yourself.
There will come a time when you will rise again, out of the ashes; and you will ask yourself if your husband is really worth it...this comes in your journey as you begin to see not only you in reality, but him, as well.
In the meantime; the marriage and the life you had once known, is over; and a new chapter begins when your husband decides what he will do in regards to either returning to the marriage, or not.
But, what you do in the way of growing, changing etc. meanwhile, is up to YOU, and no one else.
This hurts; I know it hurts; I was there at one time, myself; but my HUSBAND made the decision to return to the marriage; I had NOTHING to do with that...I went through the growing/changing; and became, through this same journey, what God meant for me to be...but my husband did NOT have to accept what and who I became; and I came to know this.
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I guess what I'm trying to say is - I HAVE a life. I need my MAN back. Nothing can replace him. How do you guys deal with that?
By learning to do things on our own...GAL'ing as people call it..getting a life.
You get a new life for yourself, one that doesn't involve your husband.
For example, even though my husband and I are "post crisis"..or out of the tunnel; I STILL have interests that don't include him; and he has interests that don't include me.
We have things we do together; but each of us have separate lives.
I learned to get a life for myself while he was in the crisis...either way this could have gone, I was going to have to survive as an INDIVIDUAL, regardless...so, I regained my individuality in that process.
I moved forward without standing still; and you can do this, too.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
