Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[hope2011]

Thank you, everyone. I kept my mouth shut and let him handle it. He asked them about on the way home from school, when they were alone. SS1 turned red, SS2 starting laughing and said "see, I told you you'd never need that thing. Dad, he got it from Friend, his school gives them away". So I guess that means he was trying to look tough. He was so embarrassed, he was still red when they got home. H still hasn't had the sex talk with them yet. I'm not going to pressure him.

2 more big improvements:

Today is report card day, they both dropped their grades. I didn't say a word other than "you both are so smart, I know you can do better". I didn't nag at all, I didn't say anything to H. I let him handle it and he did great. He really stepped up and grounded them (rightfully so) and stood his ground (he's had a hard time doing that before). I'm really proud of him. I didn't tell him that (it sounds condescending) so I just told him "I really liked that analogy about school and golf you told the boys, I think that made a lot of sense".

Today would've been my son's 18th birthday. It's been a hard day for me. H has not always been so sensitive about it... mostly because he didn't know what to say/do. I'm really, really healthy in my grief (it's been a long time) but those 2 days a year (birth and death dates) get me. In the past, I'd know H wouldn't be sensitive (by that I mean he wouldn't let me talk or cry if I needed to, thought it was weird to buy balloons and let them go). The anticipation of the day is always worse than the day. I'd start building up a wall a week ahead of time, not let it bother me if he wasn't there, etc. This time, I tried really hard not to do that and I've just focused on DB'ing instead. Changing my behavior (the walls). Today, he came home from picking up the boys from school with balloons for my son and we let them go as a family. So now, I'm crying, but for a good reason.

A month ago, there was no hope. Now, I see a man I haven't seen in 2 years... the guy I fell in love with. Because I am working hard at being the woman he fell in love with (vs the naggy, negative shrew I turned into). I do know that without DB, we'd be physically separated and on our way to D and he'd be dating countless women he'd met over the internet right now. The ONLY thing that is saving me and is helping our M is DB. I was lucky (??) in that I had been through DB before in my 1st marriage. It didn't survive but the skills stuck with me. For 10 YEARS. I just didn't apply them until H pulled the rug out from under me. Then I started applying them immediately. Just like riding a bike. Sure, I fall off still. But I'm dropping my ego, focusing on my goal (saving the marriage), doing 180's, taking responsibility for my own mistakes and trying to work on me. I'm a major work in progress still. See how freaked out I still get? It's HARD. I'm a worrier so I obsess over everything. DB is hard, hard work. Still have a long way to go but I think we're on the right road.