Running out of time

[Goodfight]

Update, things were going really well. It all started on the 21st, I received a letter from my lawyer stating that I needed to choose a realotor to sell our home. I contacted H by text and asked if he could please call me and if we could have a civil conversation.

He called right away, I told him about the letter and went totally against DBusting because I just got fed up and something or God was telling me to tell H how I really felt. I told H that I love him and I know he loves me too, and this is getting out of hand with the money we are spending on lawyers that neither one of us have, and it's getting down to the bottom line and we need to stop being so stubborn and H really needs to think about what he wants and not what other people want him to do. H was always very easily influenced when going through one of his depression episodes. H started to cry, and said that he was so confused and didn't know what he wanted to do.

So I just told him he needed to make a decision by the 28th as far as if he wanted to put the D on hold until he knew what he wanted 100% since he was the one that was pursuing the D, and that there was nothing on my end that I could do. So I just ended the conversation and said, when you know give me a call so I know what to tell my lawyer and he asked if we could talk some more on Sunday since he was going to have our D14 and his two sons on Saturday, and that our D14 would probably want to come home early and his sons always leave early on Sundays. I said sure.

So not 2 hours later he is sending me a forward text joke, and when I didn't respond he texted me again and said "I guess you didn't find the text too amusing." So I responded by saying you are sooo bad. And H said Ya I know. Then he came back with I didn't mean to wake you, and I said you didn't wake me.

This part was Dbusting because I usually work on Friday nights at my second job but H doesn't know because it's under the table on Friday nights but I had called off because I was feeling so down and out. So H probably assumed that I sit home on Friday nights and sleep or sit by myself. Next thing you know he is calling and we talked about talking some more on Sunday, and he told me that he was out and was going to stop for a beer at this bar we both know of, and then was going home to bed.

It was only 7:30 but he starts work at 4:00 a.m. I said okay, I have to go now anyway, and he asked why so I told him I needed to get finished getting ready because I was going out (big fib). He asked where I was going and I told him and he said oh, I can't go there because I was kicked out 12 years ago (I didn't ask him to go), so I said it's a nice place and he can still go there, they would never remember from that long ago. So again I tell him I have to get going, and he said to me "don't go out", I said why not? He said I want to talk tonight, and I said no, I'm going out because the kids are gone for the night and he was going to have to go to bed early and I didn't want to come home after we talked, because I had a chance to go with my friends.

Now, he never ever stays up and has not asked me to do anything as far as a date in over 2 years, and the first time was in Dec. and now he says, I'll pick you up so you don't have to drive and you can just stay at my place. I told him the only way I would go out with him is if I slept on his couch. I just didn't want to go through the pain of ML and then leaving again, I didn't tell him that though. So he picks me up we have a great conversation on the way to his place, and it continued until 11:30 and he made me something to eat, it was a total 180 for him since he left. He asked me to please contact his family because he wants everyone to get along and make peace. So, I agreed.

So, he tells me he is going to bed and hands me blankets and a pillow and I told him Goodnight. He then says, this is crazy lets go, you aren't sleeping on a couch (I'm sure he just wanted sex), so anyway we do end up ML. Keep in mind my H has to have feelings for someone to ML to them. He was always like that, he never had a one night stand even before we got married.

The next morning which was Saturday we get up and go down and lay on the couch for a little while and I told him I needed to get home because our D14 would be home in a little while. He said no problem I have to go to the store and stuff and asked if I would bring D14 down if she wasn't ready by the time he got finished shopping and things. I told him yes.

I wrote a 3 page letter saying that I was sorry if I had offended anyone in anyway, and was extremely nice (now remember, these people hurt me so bad that H didn't speak to them for 12yrs.), thinking it is the right and Godly thing to do as far as forgiving. They had a conversation about my son who was only 4 at the time and H wanted to adopt him. H and I both heard them having a fit and calling my son names and everything. So before I could even get off the couch H is furious gets off the couch and says that's it, I tried to yell to him to stop but he ran out of the house and went straight to his mother's house and told her off. Told her how she only buys for our daughter and never does anything for my son and her and the rest of the family claimed they loved me and my son before and after we got married and what did she think I was going to do once married. Drop son off somewhere on the streets. I know H was expecting them to accept me again in their lives like they did him a year and a half ago. He kept telling me how much his sister changed and so on. She was a very mean and evil person behind peoples back and H knew it. Well It didn't go well at all. I couldn't have been nicer, asked if me and my son would be welcome in their lives again for H's sake, forgive each other, and so on. Told them that I was happy D14 got to know them again and on and on. And that H really needed peace right now because he was going through such a rough time.

So Sunday comes D14 comes home around noon, and says Daddy said he will call you later because the boys didn't leave yet. Around 5:00 he calls, and I knew it was coming because he has to get up at 12:00 a.m. to be at work for 2:00 a.m., and when he didn't call by around 3:00, I knew we weren't going to get together and talk. He told me that his sister had replied to my letter through a message on Facebook but he didn't know what my letter said or what her response was and all he knew was that his mother said it wasn't nice. He acted like he didn't care at that moment whether they accepted me or not and was talking about when he comes home and how he wanted to do this and that. He told me that the boys just left and he needed to go to bed. I just said, I figured that had happened and he said I will call you tomorrow. Well, Monday came along and nothing.

Then Tuesday, I still didn't hear from him so I sent him a voice mail, saying not to worry about his sister and I would never keep him away from his extended family or make him feel bad for being in their lives and that I can accept her and the rest of them not accepting me and for him not to worry. And to give me a call so we could continue talking. That was around 12:30 in the afternoon. So around 6:30 p.m. I get the following text: To everybody please stop calling me and texting me. Very very tired of everybody's s***. So go on with your lives and leave me be. I was like what the heck???? What is going on, and didn't know if it was for me or what to think. Then got nervous cause my counselor said once before that he went to said he can become suicidal between not taking his meds and drinking. So I panicked and called him left a message and texted him and asked if he was ok, and what was going on, and told him just to at least call or text me so I knew he was okay. Then it hit me, I thought his sister was contacting him also either Monday or Tuesday and just told him that I was nice in my letter and not to worry about anything.

Never heard a word since, so I have to contact the lawyer today so I sent a voice mail just saying I know you don't want anyone texting or calling but I didn't have a choice and had to call today to let him know that he needed to contact his lawyer today to contact mine and let them know that we were going to put the D on hold like he said on Sunday if that is still what he wanted and that I would give him his more space and time that he needed.

Today at 3:46 a.m. I get a text saying for me to call my lawyer and give him a name of a realtor, that he wants the house sold, and he is not putting the D on hold and he is fed up with everyone's bull and that it's over.

So here I go again. I'm such a mess, I mean he went from saying he loved me for the first time in over 2 years, talking about coming home and on and on and on. Then this today.

H is immature and has a slight learning disability, and said that he was happy his family is in his life again. He had a terrible childhood, parents divorced and he was the baby and got shoved back and forth. Got made fun of in school, his brothers, and sister picked on him terrible, I could go on and on then his father told him how his mother tried to abort him just 6 months before he left me.

My heart and my stand are saying not to give up but it is a losing battle although I was told by someone that he feels his sister stabbed him in the back and is very mad at her. I'm not competing against OW but entire family.

[Goodfight]

She kept messaging me through Facebook so mean and out right evil, but I just kept replying with nice messages even though I wanted to tell her where to go. I kept thinking my M is involved and she wasn't worth ruining how close me and H have come for her to get me to the point of telling her off and H blaming me for it again.

H and I are not friends on Facebook either but I copied all the messages she sent me and what I sent her in reply because I know her all to well, she will never change and just has H brainwashed into thinking she has and that she loves and cares for him. And I didn't want her to lie to him and I'm sure she tried and said I was the rotten person and so on. One statement that got to me was she said that they would never let me in their lives again and take a chance of being hurt again.

I'm wondering now if H has been being told this for the last year and a half since he started talking to them again. So that is what he is afraid of, me hurting him because we have both hurt each other during our M. I never ever did anything wrong to his family at all, and she is claiming that I kept H away from them and she hopes my children grow up fall maddly in love and that person takes them away from me for over 10 years. I was like what????? I don't control H, and he is the one that wanted nothing to do with them and I even would tell him that he should make amends cause you never know how long anyone has and he always refused.

My heart is so broken everyone, not just by H but also by the lies the sister is telling and the mean and awful things she said to me. I always took things to heart since I was a child and still do and I can't change that, so right now I feel like I'm actually losing it. How can H do this to me and the kids?

[whitneypinch]

Ahhhh Goodfight.
I am so sorry. I can see and hear all the pain you are going through on this awful roller-coaster.

I don't know what to say.

For me it has been marginally better sine I stopped initiating all contact with my X.
Not hardly a day has gone by without her contacting me though.
Just last night she sent me a photo of my cute son at a birthday party after he drank his first can of Coke. Then she texted me this morning saying he had a hard time falling asleep. I only replied to one of the texts.
I think pretty soon I am just going to stop replying unless the text has a critical answer required.

So many people (including my father-in-law) said just to leave her to see if she misses me. I was not in a strong enough place to do that until now.

I will tell you, although I don't contact her I still hope she contacts me. I can see her trying to get all buddy buddy with me but I know not to get sucked in. It keeps happening. As soon as I return the affection she disappears.

This weekend she is taking my kids away skiing. It will be very interesting to see if she sends me photos. I am starting to strongly consider just not even replying anymore.

As DB states so many times.... we have to leave them along to complete their journey. If they return or not is out of our hands. I believe I have shown my X all that I can show her about myself. If she is not interested I really can't do anything about that.

If my X approached me to ML I just would not be able to do it with her. As much as we had the greatest s*x life (and we did) I would not be able to be with her and it not mean anything.

All I can suggest is "try" to get away from the mess. Get off Facebook etc.
Be decent with you X but don't get sucked in.
As everyone say's "if they want to be with you, they will beat your door down to get to you"

(((Hope you have a better day)))

[Goodfight]

That's what my problem is though, you have your father-in-law and I have H's side of the family hating me and H hates being alone so I have a feeling that they are telling him if he comes back they will never bother with him again.

So I know H, if we try like we wanted to and it doesn't work he won't have me and the kids, or his extended family, so he is taking the easy way out. Since they want nothing to do with us getting back together and are totally against it because of the things he probably told them (lies), plus they blame me that he didn't talk to them for all of those years and I can honestly say, I had nothing to do with it.

I tried to get him to make amends with them but he wouldn't, even though they hurt me deeply.

So I guess even though he has said things (it's over) like this to me before and I did hear that he is mad at his sister because he feels she stabbed him in the back, this time is probably for real. Because before he didn't tell me he loved me or anything, like working on piecing our M back together, and my H is like you. He has to have feelings for someone to ML and so do I, so I know he didn't use me.

What I don't get is my extended family would be upset with me for taking him back after everything he has done to me and the kids but I would still take him back, because it is between me and H and shouldn't have anything to do with anyone else.

How do you love someone, tell them that you love them and want to work on things and then 2 to 3 days later do a total 180?

[Goodfight]

Oh, and I blocked her from my Facebook. So I don't see any of her messages if she does try to send them.

Whit are you standing for your M even though you are D'd?

[Cadet]

Sweetie,

Yes he had feeling for you at that moment of time, or because he wanted something. That doesn't mean that his depression is cured or his crisis is over. I am sorry that you keep getting on and off the coaster. He feeds you a few crumbs of love and then he crashes into the abyss. But that is the nature of what this is all about.
I believe that his childhood issues are with his family and he must overcome all of that to finish up and become a man.
He may do that while he is still married to you and he MAY NOT. He MAY carry through with the divorce, for whatever his reasons are at that point in time.

You realize now that is there is nothing that you can DO that is going to change any of this.
You must keep living your life and act "as if" he is not coming back.

I wish I could see something else and be more positive but I do not.


(((((HUGS))))))) to you!

[whitneypinch]

Am I standing for my M even though I am divorced?
That is a good question. I guess I am standing for my family and my M is part of that.
Would I reconcile with my W.....yes if our values were in-line. I used to think they were in-line but now that that she has become so self-centered I don't really know.

Sadly Cadet is right and that is really what tears us all apart. You just can't do anything about the situation except work on yourself and your kids.

Goodfight you have to find a way to eliminate most of the negative situations that are around you. It was a good move to block the relatives on FB. The less you have to face the better.

You really have to focus on yourself and your kids and move forward in life.
It took me almost 3 years to get to that point. I am just at the beginning of that point in all of this. It is better but there is still a grey cloud overhead each day.
You will get there, in your own time.

Try not to contact him anymore. He will contact you but be very cool and try not to get sucked back in. It will be one of the hardest things you will ever do.
Soon the emotional roller-coaster pain will outweigh your need to pursue him and you will stop.

You will get there ! I never thought I would but I am just starting to now.
I think it took me so long as I am a child of divorce and I am adopted so clearly I have my own abandonment issues.

[HeartsBlessing]

Goodfight,

You've got to detach and distance from him and his drama, or it will drive you crazy.

He's back and forth; and showing jealousy at times, because he's trying to control you, keeping you sucked into his drama.

And, as long as he is allowed to do that, he continues to control the situation; AND you.

Get off the rollercoaster; and STAY OFF; it's only going to drive you crazy in the end.

He will eventually decide what he wants; but you need to get to a place where his antics won't bother you.

Learn to view him as the stranger from up the street; and stop contacting him..it does no good, and makes you even more of a mess.

Hon, there's nothing you can do for him; so let him go to his own devices.

LET HIM GO; you can do NOTHING for him, at all...his head is not in a good place at the moment.

Take care.

[Augtan]

Goodfight-wanted to let you know I am here for you, I will read your thread and comment more tomorrow, as I have to get to bed now and just saw your comments on whitney's thread...I am so sorry you are hurting. Hugs and support coming your way..God has a plan for you and it will all be what is best for YOU!! I believe that 100%.

Off the topic...my little 4 year old ex-neighbor died today..she had suffered from a horrible genetic disease since she was 1 yr. old. She never sat up, crawled, talked, walked..nothing. She was deeply loved and will be missed greatly. It made me realize that I am a very lucky woman, I have three healthy, beautiful, smart, kids who have lived a good life so far, not one without issues or pain, but a pretty good one. This poor little girl only got one life (just like all of us)...and that was what it was...so very sad. I texed my ex with the news, as these were our neighbors for almost 10 years in our house we had when we were married..he told me he heard it from me and again from our other neighbor while reffing basketball and was crying on the court.

Life is strange and you just never know when an epiphany is going to hit...hang in there!! My thoughts are with you!!

A

[MeMyselfandI]

Goodfight, I haven't read through your whole situation, I will be honest about this but one thing that struck me in what I did read was that there seems to be a whole lot of "extended family" involved in what you are dealing with.

Is there any way that you can just avoid that all together? I'm fairly new to this DB thing, but working through it with just you two without having to think about others feelings/actions. It just seems to complicate things when I read through. Now I'm going to heed my own advice b/c I've never really noticed it till now so thank you for helping me learn.

((Hugs)) Full