Poster mentioned timeline...what's it look like?

[AntoniaB]

I guess what I was trying to say--and it wasn't meant to depress you--was that you have two choices: you can say it's over, I'm done, I'm getting into something with someone else, that's it, or you can say I don't know what is going to happen and I'm going to learn to live with that uncertainty. While I'm living with uncertainty I'm going to learn how to take care of myself and become a better person.

Like in my situation, I think it appears to everyone that I've given up entirely on my marriage. My divorce is about to be finalized, my H has never conveyed any interest in reconciliation, is firmly entrenched with the OW, and I don't believe there is any chance he is going to "wake up" and come back. I have "given up" or "given in" on the old marriage. I want the divorce to be finalized so that that chapter of my life is over. The marriage went south before the OW. I wanted to fix it; he didn't. I can't do anything about that.

I am moving on with my life. I am finding fulfillment with friends and family. I am single.

I'm not actively trying to find someone new. If something comes my way, I'll see how I feel about it then. But I'm not pushing for a relationship because that part doesn't feel "right" to me.

But if you ask me this: "if your h came back, a year from now, 5 years from now, and you were single at the time, and he wanted to explore reconciliation, would you be ok with that?" And right now, I'd still say yes. Will I feel that way in a year or more from now? I don't know. Maybe I'll be with someone. Maybe I won't. I just don't know.

So in my mind I'm still a bit in the whole "for better or worse" and thinking, maybe he and I need a break for a LONG time. Maybe we even need to be in other relationships. Maybe we'll find each other again. I know that we both had a lot of growing up to do. I've done a lot of work there. Him, I don't see that happening. Maybe he needs more time than me.

I guess what I'm saying is that I just don't know what's going to happen, and I'm learning to be ok with not knowing. I was very much focused on a timeline when I first came here. Like you I wanted to know how long I'd be "here" or what to expect.

And you know what? None of us know. It's different for every couple. What is the longest you can stand to be in limbo or uncertainty? A year? Two years? If you said "one year and no more", what if something shifted powerfully when it was a year and a week?

You have to learn to live with uncertainty and learn that timelines are artificial ways we have of trying to impose control when we feel out of control and powerless. What people here have taught me to do is to seek and find power elsewhere, through the control I have over MY life and me alone, and to let go of that which I cannot control. I can't control him, only me. That's kind of where you need to put your efforts.