Need advice please!!! Not sure on next move?

[Denver_2010]

I think men and women both need to read it, regardless of how their relationships are. It puts "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" to shame on the real differences between men and women. It's so simple..... men need Respect, that's how they feel loved. Women need Love (emotional and physical affection), that how we feel loved.

Haven't read the book Hope, but sounds like it is dead on with what caused the breakdown in my M.

[dixiegal]

UPDATE:

Well yall it didnt go as I planned. I'm conflicted so, Ill let yall give me the feedback...

H was suppose to be at the house at Noon to pick up Dog. So, I went home for a late lunch at 2pm. Thinking he had already been there and gone w/Dog. So, when I got home the Dog was still there! (So, I was thinking that he was gonna leave the dog again) Anyways, I open the Garage and was walking out w/the Dog to take her potty. When BOOM! There is H! He had pulled up and I didnt hear him.. (threw me of my game!)

So, I said w/ a smile Hi! The dog was real excited to see him. He leaned down hugged the dog. I then took her to potty. He walked with us for a bit.

He said, did you just get here? I said, yes I thought you had already come by. He said, I over slept I was exhausted.

(He did look rough to me..hair/clothes)

So, we walked back in the house. I said, here are all of the Dog's things, meds and etc. He said, thanks. Then, he said Hi and gave me a one arm hug thing. I responded, hugged back.

He asked if, I had anything for dry skin as his hands looked really bad. He showed me. I went in bathroom came out and gave it to him.

I said, well I better go I still have some appts. He said, you going back to work? I said, yes later.

I walked out in the Garage he followed as he was putting things in his truck (going back and forth) I was about to get in the truck.

I said, things going good with work? (small talk) He then, leaned up on my suv and just started talking about issues at work and his side business venture. He went on for sometime...he looked down at my hands for a second. Then he said, I see your wearing your wedding rings? I just replied, yes.

Then we just stood there looking at each other real oddly. Then I made the R MISTAKE!!! I said," I don't know where your at right now. But, we probally need to talk about taxes and etc and what to do next?" He said, "We'll I'm real exhausted right now and we are standing in the Garage. Maybe we can go to Dinner or something in the future and discuss what we are going to do?"

I said, sure.

Then I said, Ive been attending MC and found a wonderful C. They say that they would like to speak to both of us in whatever we decide. He just looked me in the eye but, didnt say anything. I then said, I know I apologized via phone a month ago. But, I wanted to tell you in person that I am very sorry for how I hurt you that day. I realize that I made you feel that I had no respect for you by what I said. That is not the true either.

He shook his head yes and looked me straight in the eye. He said, I forgave you for that already.

I said, Thanks

He said, I did some crappy things to you too.

I said, well I better go. (Cause, I caught myself!!!)

He said, Me too I have to get to the other side of town. (??)

He then hugged me and kissed me on the cheek! I said, becareful on the road. He said, I will half hugged me again and gave me a peck kiss.

I got in my truck and left..He then a few seconds later.

So, that's it ya'll.....

I then went back to work. I left from work straight to meet my girlfriend for dinner till 10p. Then I came home cried a bit and passed out!

UGH!!!! I'm so mad at myself...I had it all planned out and then boom! So, clearly he has all the control again.....I beat myself up all night over it....But, I had a C session that morning and he said he agreed w/DB ing but, I if possible I needed to attempt/let him know that I was still working on the M.

So, at that moment I was thinking maybe I should.....WRONG!!! I feel he just said the dinner thing cause he didnt want to talk about any R stuff at all and etc.....I dont believe for a second that that will happen.

Yes, he hugged me and stuff...but, when he did it wasnt the same...I could feel the disconnect. Plus, I could feel the detachment from his side big time! He seemed like he had moved on...I feel HOPELESS again...

Maybe, I should just except that this is done....

[lostinscared]

Dixie,
Breathe… You’re ok, and you’re going to be ok no matter what! Remember that!!!!!

Ok, so let’s walk through this. Why do you feel hopeless again? What specifically are you looking at that is leading you to the conclusion that this is hopeless?

He went from the one armed hug thing to a kiss. Call it a peck or whatever, but it was a kiss, nonetheless. He looks like crap. He seems to be sleeping a lot. This isn’t the first time that he’s overslept or complained about being sick or whatever… He’s admitting responsibility for treating you like crap. Last time you saw him he was bolting for the door, this time he was hanging around until the R talk. Gotta stop that, but you already know. He commented on your rings??? I mean completely committed to the door would not mention it. All these things are hopeful. All is not well in his world (as FOBD continues to point out to me).

Maybe you do need to expect that this is over for a little while because you need to detach a bit more before you get into these interactions with him. There is not a single thing wrong with you. What you are feeling, we have all felt. What you did, we have all done. It is normal. So please don’t beat yourself up anymore, ok? Learn your lesson, set your goals, make a plan. Can you also get a dog?? This dog seems to bring you so much peace and you hate being in that house alone. I understand completely because I have my kittens who bring me the same joy and peace. Is it possible for you to go get a dog??

We are all here for you and on YOUR side. This isn’t over until you say it’s over. Please hang in there. Keep talking! And did I mention, consider a dog?? I pray for your peace and reconciliation.

LIS

[dixiegal]

I should also add....that I did tear up when I apologized to H. He did notice this too...we were standing really close to each other. I also recall, when he kissed me on the cheek...I said, in a nervous laugh...did you just kiss me?? He responded yep. (Ummm that was real dumb of me!)

I feel so stupid...why didnt I just say bye and get in the dang suv!?!

Now, I'm back to just waiting on him to make the next move.....which clearly he is running for the hills about now...

PLEAE yall...I need your feedback....good, bad & ugly!

Praying for us all always,
Dixie

[Denver_2010]

I should also add....that I did tear up when I apologized to H. He did notice this too...we were standing really close to each other. I also recall, when he kissed me on the cheek...I said, in a nervous laugh...did you just kiss me?? He responded yep. (Ummm that was real dumb of me!)

I feel so stupid...why didnt I just say bye and get in the dang suv!?!

Now, I'm back to just waiting on him to make the next move.....which clearly he is running for the hills about now...

PLEAE yall...I need your feedback....good, bad & ugly!

Praying for us all always,
Dixie

Dixie - I really don't think that this sounds all that bad. Maybe a little backslide when you let yourself get emotional and mentioned the R, but otherwise, I think that you handled well. Yes, he still has control, but NOT as much. And it is going to take more time and effort on your part to wrest more of that control to your side.

I know that you've heard this over and over, but you need to go dark now and GAL. Remember, you can't make him change his feelings. It is only going to happen if he begins to miss you and begins to think that he might be losing you. This will not happen if you are contacting him. Go dark and GAL for a month... see what happens. Don't let your FEAR of what he is doing and/or thinking guide and control your actions.

I like Lost's idea of adopting a puppy a lot!! This can also help with GAL. You start taking the dog out for your marathon walks, or take up hiking, take him/her to a dog park where you may meet new people, etc. Great idea. You should consider it.

Hang in there! YOu are doing great!

BITS
Denver

[2stepboogie]

Dixie light some incense and breath and meditate.

You did alright. Ok you’re going to make mistakes the important thing is you recognize them and don't repeat them. You are not even close to being detached yet, forgive yourself for that it's normal. One of my biggest mistakes was always beating myself up after I slipped but you can recover from that. Every time I read one of the bits post I see so much progress from the beginning of their ordeal to the present.

Don't bring up the R/M talk at all. I can't stress enough to be happy with you (easier said than done) but you must try. When you know you are going to see him take a few minutes to calm yourself and remember that you are in a chess game. Don't give the opponent all the moves and don't show your hand. After he leaves burry your face in a pillow and scream but in front of him you remain composed.

Give yourself the time to cry and detach. Maybe going dark for a few days or even a week would help. He is hurting also I promise you that. You don't spend 18yrs with somebody and all of a sudden hit a delete button. You can only control YOU, remember that and the rest will fall into place.

[hope2011]

I agree 100% with LIS!!!

Noticing the rings, kiss on the cheek, sticking around talking to you.... all good stuff.

I don't see where you did anything wrong. Ok, so a little R talk but really... it's not like you said anything crazy, begged him to stay or said ILY. I don't think you said anything bad.

I know that half-hug.... my H has always done that. Drives me nuts. He's done it since we started dating so I don't think men do it as emotionally detached, I think they do it to protect themselves from intimacy. I don't think it's a big deal. Guys, input here?

You went to your friends and cried.... who wouldn't? Don't beat yourself up. You didn't fall apart in front of him, you didn't cry in front of him (tearing up is human). You kept it together all the way until after work?!!! WTG!!!!!!

I think you're far, far too hard on yourself.

Who says you have to wait for him to make the next move or call for dinner? Move on and GAL and if he calls, ok, he calls. If not, you won't be waiting by the phone.

Seriously, pat yourself on the back!!!! You did a good job!

[dixiegal]

Thanks Yall....I feel a little better about it today....Mr. Bond your input???

I realize at least I did catch my self and I didnt loose control and say ILY or anything like that. That's good...

I have not called him since this all started...I have only replied. But, I think I should go PITCH BLACK DARK now! I was thinking I will only answer if he asks me a question around really meeting him for Dinner to talk or the dog??? Yall thoughts???

But, really I feel like I have not really heard from him much since he walked. I guess...that is what drove yesterdays back slide and the C talk. Because, I felt a sense of urgency...ya know the whole he is done w/us and is moving on now...I may not get another chance thing...

But, don't yall think he just said the Dinner thing to reflect the R talk? Or do yall really think he meant it? I feel he just said it to deflect...

Guess, that is what bothering me...so much...

Thank Yall!

[Denver_2010]

Agreed. Go Pitch Black Dark. He needs a wake up call. You're doing great Dixie!!

BITS!
Denver

[hope2011]

I've been thinking for an hour how to respond about the dinner thing... but I just don't know, Dixie. We can all try to read his mind but wow.... I don't know. My advice is to detach a teeny bit and pretend like he didn't say that. Otherwise, you are going to drive yourself nuts analyzing it and jumping when the phone rings. You're giving him power here.... 1 sentence he may or may not have meant is going to give you an ulcer stressing over. Take back that power, girl! He didn't say it, he didn't say it, he didn't say it. Unless he does call and then you can remember he said it.

I understand the sense of urgency. I did the same thing when I met my XH for lunch for a talk about D after a very long time of no communication. I thought I'd be sick I was so nervous. 3 hours later, talking about everything... still didn't get it all out. Never would have because there were things I thought of years later. So don't feel like you lost your chance to ask a question or talk. There's never going to be a conversation where you achieve magical closure. That's something only time can do.

Hugs. I wish I could say something more positive and definitive to help you through this.

So now... what are your plans? Goals? Pitch black dark, outgoing, LRT?