H's MLC - finding compassion and forgiveness

[Mila]

Thank you Bea, Antonia, Cyrena and Being

Bea -

in MLC they become the opposite in every way

I did hear that as well. Some of the personality changes are just shocking....and your H forgetting his second language???? Wow...

Antonia - Ever since this all started my H is very forgetful...sometimes selectively...his memory is pretty bad...and he is actually aware of if...occasionally. Maybe this all has to do with the "rewriting of history" as well?

And thanks for your suggestion to talk to a male friend...I did actually...his advice "Have that darn SA signed before he stops feeling guilty"

Cyrena - Very good post about how the MLC brain works....so spot on...I did read that somewhere as well....explains so much doesn't it...

Being - you are right I have put a lot into this business...20 years to be precise...and I may be out of it just like that....working for peanuts for somebody else....that's just not right.

Had a very nice dinner with D, told me few things about what H's plans are...

Said that OW is soon moving back to this town...I said really without her kids? D said no her H and kids are in the other town only temporarily and they will move back. Well not according to her H...he told me he is not planning to move back. So what's the plan B here for the two lovebirds, fly back and forth forever?

H also told D that when OW moves back they will buy a house and D can live a week with them and week with me....great. I asked and you would like that? She said it would be OK, I would see dad more. I said what about the OW, you would be OK living there? D said "she is nice to me"....then she quickly added "I know she is not nice for what she did to you"

I would hate OW forming a relationship with my D...but there is nothing I can do if it comes to that...

[AntoniaB]

My lawyer told me "I'm sorry to put it this way but I have 36 years of experience: early on they will sign an SA and agree to things because they feel guilty. Later, they will fight tooth and nail for everything. Get them to sign EARLY. They become so irrational later. If they sign early, they are willing to sign things that are at least agreeable to both parties. Later, when they get sick of what they have "given up" as a result of their choices, they are more likely to fight/try to get your home/etc."

I took her advice.

My H very willingly signed a SA that gave him 5k in exchange for me getting 100% of our furniture and belongings from 23 years together. EVERYTHING. For 5k.

He signed "no problem."

Now he tells me that he can't sleep at night because he worries about how he will start over from nothing.

NOT MY PROBLEM.

[beatrice]

Mila, I know others have recommended 'From Abandonment to Healing' but I would urge you to read this if you have't already. I wish I had read it sooner. I have written more about it on SA's thread.

You are 16 months or so post bomb, I think. Things will change a lot over the next couple of years with OW, even if they stay together. If your h is so unwise as to buy a house with OW he will likely live to regret it. My h has, as when he wanted to sell she was nothing like as reasonable as me, and is still withholding her consent.

As you know, if you criticise OW to your daughter she may defend her. Just smile and say nothing. These OW are gold diggers and show themselves in their true colours. What kind of man or woman sleeps with a married man, and breaks up a long relationship? This isn't being angry about it, just factual.

[PEI]

H also told D that when OW moves back they will buy a house and D can live a week with them and week with me....great. I asked and you would like that? She said it would be OK, I would see dad more. I said what about the OW, you would be OK living there? D said "she is nice to me"....then she quickly added "I know she is not nice for what she did to you"

I would hate OW forming a relationship with my D...but there is nothing I can do if it comes to that...

Hi Mila,

This is hard. Soooooooo hard. Not sure if you've followed my sitch or not, but stbxH moved OW in on a casual basis sometime late October, and then in November when he moved from the apt to the house, moved her (and OWD7) in full time. Because we do a week on/week off schedule, OW now spends as much time with my kids as I do.

I recently took our province's "Positive Parenting from Two Homes" course and truly the one thing that stood out to me was the statement your children must know that they have YOUR permission to love their other parent. Regardless of how careful we are, regardless of how high the road we walk is ... our children still feel torn. They love us both. Depending on their ages and level of knowledge surrounding the events, they will have a variety of feelings about the WAS's actions but they do still love us both. As they should.

Children are brilliant at reading body language, they are sensitive beyond measure when it comes to our feelings and moods. It's obvious that your daughter knows how you feel. It's also obvious that she wants to spend more time with her Dad.

For we LBSs it can be very hard to separate ourselves from our kids ... we often feel like they have left all of us, when often what they are doing, or trying to do, is leave the marriage. Now ... before anyone jumps all over me, yes, I know that many MLCers walk away from their children at least temporarily, and yes they have destroyed our families by their actions ... but the reality is that the parental relationship remains if they choose for it to.

I once told a friend, remember to DB your kids ... validate their feelings. Your daughter misses her Dad, let her know that it's ok to feel that way. And then hug her while you thank your lucky stars that OW is nice to her.

(((hugs)))
Peace
PEI

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Mila, can you please make a new thread? Sorry to ask.

Antonia - Ever since this all started my H is very forgetful...sometimes selectively...his memory is pretty bad...and he is actually aware of if...occasionally. Maybe this all has to do with the "rewriting of history" as well?

Happened to my wife too, I am not sure why, I just saw it as another symptom. Good news for me is that it got better.

[iluvme55]

I am with J3B

[iluvme55]

I cant read your thread anymore on my pc.......have to scroll back and forth...up and down......getting dizzy.....Irma

[Mila]

Sorry Jack - I'll start a new one!!!!!

Thank you bea, PEI, Jack & Ilike

Bea - thanks for the suggestion, I didn't read From Abandonment to Healing yet, I'll get a copy. I try not to react in negative way to anything about H & OW that D brings up...taking the high road. But of course she must sense how I feel. The other day she said "Mom you should find a guy" I said I'm not ready for a relationship and she replied "It would make you happier" would it?...told her that I'm still a married woman and wouldn't want to involve anyone in this situation...I have to get my life in order first. A btw OW will walk out of her marriage pretty wealthy...maybe it's my H who is the gold digger...

PEI - thanks for stopping by my fellow countrywoman Your situation must be really hard, that would hurt so much to have OW taking over your family like that...is it getting easier with time?...we do kind of get used to things as we go along no matter how crappy they are...

remember to DB your kids

thanks so much for that reminder I have to remember to do that more often.

Jack - Bad memory and forgetfulness are also symptoms of depression and hormonal changes...which are part of MLC I guess. Good to know that it could improve

Ilike - sorry I will start a new tread

[beatrice]

btw OW will walk out of her marriage pretty wealthy...maybe it's my H who is the gold digger..

Perhaps motivated by money would be a more accurate choice of words for OW!

[courageous wife]

Oh Mila!

Just read about your furnace on my thread and now I catch up with you and yuck! My kids think OW is nice too and as hard as that is to hear (I want them to hate her and make messes at her house etc etc)...PEI makes a lot of sense! Dangit!