Lost, hurt and scared ...

[ericmsant2]

Fullsteam

I just don't know what to do right now.

Sometime doing nothing is enough.

As it relates to the OW and if he should introduce them….. I think the bigger question is what DO YOU THINK you can do?

Healthy relationships occur when you understand that the only person you control is YOU. You cannot make your H do anything or not do anything. What you can do is control how you deal or respond to any actions that your H takes.

Full, it seems that you have filed or are planning to file for a D. Is this correct? If so, then how does the following statement (see below) from you align with your goals? Do you want to remain married to your H? If so, then why file? You already have a separation agreement in place.

He needs to go through this journey into neverland to find out and I need to let him so I can find out too. Then and only then can I decide if the person that emerges at the other end is someone I want to be M to.

I just wish others would know what has really gone on.

Why? What does other knowing what is going on do? Does it change your H? Does it make you feel better? If so, why do you need the validation? Full – I have been in the same place…oh…how I wished everyone knew what was going on, I wished everyone knew that W did this or did that. Guess what? It does not matter. What matters is how you deal with your sitch going forward.

My family is all hundreds of miles away and most of the friends I have are mutual friends with him so I don't really have a sounding board when I need it.

Sound away!

God Bless,
Eric

[MeMyselfandI]

You are right Eric, that is what I'm trying to do is nothing and the only one I can control is me.

As for the D, I did have him served, (back in September when I had not yet grabbed onto the DR principles and was angry and bitter). There was no response from him or his L so as of December, I could bring my paperwork in a D would be final in 30 days. I have not filed the final paperwork and plan to keep it that way until I feel I'm ready to (hopefully never). He told me at the time he was in no hurry to get the D done.

You are also right that others knowing will do nothing. In fact, I would go one step further to say it may be counterproductive and hurt and confuse him more ... and from what I'm reading, he's already confused and hurting enough that it's the last thing he needs. I find it frustrating sometimes that I do not have someone to confide in, but now, alas I have these boards and I'm so very grateful for that.

Thank you for taking the time to post and putting things into perspective.

[ericmsant2]

Full,

Your welcome.

I can't say this enough....focus on YOU. Focus on YOU. Focus on YOU.

Regards,
Eric

[MeMyselfandI]

Feeling pretty good today. Got on my elliptical first thing this morning accomplishing one personal goal. Then did a bit of housework, showered and took the kids out to buy a couple of birthday presents for parties today. After that, it was off to hockey with them. One of the parents approached me at the rink saying they had heard that H was becoming friends with OW and then made a remark about "what is he going through MLC?" I had to laugh inside at the comment as it seems he is digging his own grave and the pedestal that everyone has put him on may be getting hacked down a bit. I simply played stupid, kept emotions in check and said, "well, whatever he needs to do to make himself happy is his business."

After that it was off to soccer at our new indoor soccer field. Well, that's when I got my real boost. There is a track around the top of the soccer field and I have been thinking for a while that I should be doing some power walking as I have never really been one who was into exercising in any way, shape or form. Part of what has been getting me down a bit lately is that I really want to get into shape and lose about 15-20 lbs. Well, I went and bought myself a pass for the walking track, threw on my ipod and off I went. Best part was, I was able to watch their soccer, enjoy my music and exercise all at the same time. I walked for an hour and a half solid and loved every minute of it and felt great.

Then, I came down to where the soccer dads were sitting, (no moms around today) to collect my kids and heard "wow, looking good", "you were smoking up there" amongst a couple of other flirty compliments. Makes you feel good and I laughed at them all and made a couple of remarks back. As I walked away with the kids, I thought to myself ... hmmn, give it a month till the weather warms up, the clothing becomes a little skimpier, the shape becomes a little more appealing. Wonder how H is going to feel sitting with all the dads while I'm strutting my spandex walking a$$ around the track in my own happy world LOL.

I will be seeing him at soccer tomorrow as he gets back into town tonight ... not quite ready for the spandex yet but I'll make sure to look my best and it'll be nice that I can walk straight upstairs to the track without even having to see him and start my walking.

I've also decided that I'm going to go walking on my lunch every day. Usually I just stay at my office and work but I'm finding the exercise really gives you a mental boost.

[ericmsant2]

Good for you!
Just remember changes for you r the ones that really stick.

God bless,
Eric

[MeMyselfandI]

Thanks for the reminder erics, never hurts. I've read some of your threads and wow, you are one patient man!

Wow, I just wrote a big long post on the separation agreement process and realized how much bitterness I still have in me regarding that. I need to let it go and it will be a struggle for me. It's all over the place and I need to write it all out but it will take some time. There is sooooo much resentment in it. But I will do it b/c I need to let it go!

For another time.

God bless you too Eric and I do hope you will post regarding progress on you separation agreement and I'll be delighted to assist any way I can.

[ericmsant2]

Fullsteam
Ah.....the bitterness thaht you speak of I know quite well. Irefer to it as rage.

Here is the thing... right now you are probably scared. Scared about how all it this will impact you, scared how this will impact your children. That fear is more than likely making you really angry. That anger will cloud your judgement,which does not bode well for YOU or YOUR H.

Sit down and accept that most of this is out of your control! Accept that a higher power is really in control. Once you can accept this, accept that it is totally okay for you to be really pisses the f*co off. How you deal with this anger is what you should focus on.

As you sit and think about what you want in your sa....ask yourself am I doing this to get even, am I asking for this just to piss him off, am I asking or giving up on this to show him how I have change?

You see if do something with an expectation that it will yield a specific response from him you are doing it for the wrong reason. Sit down and think about what you can live with. Think about how what you are doing or asking for aligns with who you are working to be.

In closing I want to leave you with this.......

Giving aspoiled child everything they want because your tired, guilty, afraid or just angry is not healthy.

Giving up on what you believe in so that you can play victim is not healthy.

Do what is just and what you feel is important for you with no anger, no malice, and with no expectation is where you want to be.

God bless
eric

[MeMyselfandI]

Again, thanks for posting ericms. Our SA was signed off last March and at the time, I just wanted it over with. He pulled some really nasty stuff and was an "entitled" little PR. At the time, I decided it was all just "stuff", material things and I just wanted everything over with. I guess I thought I had let it go but obviously, I haven't completely so I still have some work to do there. I'm surviving and I am providing for my kids just fine so why hang on to it I guess.

One thing I will say is at the end of it all, I can look myself in the mirror and know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I never took anything that didn't belong to me, that I hadn't earned and that I didn't deserve. I don't know how he can do the same but maybe in his crisis, he is not seeing things clearly and he can.

Here is just an example of how messed up his thinking is. I had taken my daughter down to a medical appointment in another city which was covered by his work benefits (they have to go through his first and then mine). He told me that as soon as the money was deposited, he would transfer it over to our joint account, (we keep one for transferring money for kid's activities, etc.) Over the holidays, the reimbursement for this trip was deposited into his bank account.

A couple of weeks ago, I followed up and asked him if he had heard anything on the reimbursement yet. He wrote back saying, sorry, it had been deposited over the holidays and he hadn't noticed so he would transfer it right over. Well, a few days passed and I was getting ready to go to out of town and had to take my vehicle to the repair shop. He was also heading out of town so I asked him again, if he wouldn't mind transferring the money before he went. He wrote back saying that he was hoping to "wait till he got paid because he was a little short". I thought to myself WTF does he think I am, his personal bank??? Of course, being who I am and given the fact that it wasn't going to leave me short I said that would be fine. It is fine I suppose; it just amazes me the nerve and how entitled H has become.

[MeMyselfandI]

Pretty good day today. Went to kid's soccer a bit early as planned and got on the walking track. H showed up in time to watch game and I noticed him look up a few times. At the end of the game, I waited till the kids were out of the dressing room to get off the track as I knew he'd be waiting to see them since he's been gone all week.

When I went down, he was with S and D. I went over and was waiting with one of the mom's and when he came out with the kids, she asked H why he made her kid cry (jokingly). Apparently H had accidentally poked her kid in the eye when he was pulling down his hat. I joked and told her kid he should poke him back and H went along with the joke and bent down to let her son poke him. We all laughed as the kid started to raise his finger with a weird smirk on his face, like he was thinking about it but changed his mind.

Kids gave H a hug bye and off we went. Followed him to the grocery store as I had to pick up a few things and apparently he did too. Funny, we ended up a couple people behind him in line and just as we got into line, a guy I knew came in behind me and started talking up a storm so I never really paid too much attention and H was gone.

Tomorrow will be challenge number two as kids have hockey practice and OW will likely be there. I'm going to go to sleep tonight with "PMA" and "As if" images dancing around in my head so they will be so ingrained in my head that nothing will phase me! Who knows, maybe something will come up about the kids that I need to speak to him about ... and I'll just plant myself down on the bench beside the two of them and discuss what needs discussing LOL. The mere shock value of that would be worth the price of admission.

[MeMyselfandI]

Well, went track walking at lunch, had a productive day at work and took the kids to hockey practice and OW wasn't there. H and I talked for a couple of minutes in the dressing room, joked a bit and that was about it. I had PMA and acted "as if" which being the first time I'd seen him since I found out about OW likely threw him for a bit of a loop.

Last night, trying to go to sleep, I couldn't get thoughts out of my mind about H and OW. Trying to figure out what he's thinking (I know, 2 X 4 here please). Eventually fell alseep about 3 am but fortunately, feeling good today, looking forward to track walking and another productive day at work.