Living Like Roomates 2

[Gnosis]

Thanks for the comments.

You're welcome and I hope I can help you.

Wife has not back tracked from her statement about staying for the kids.

I didn't think so. She has everything she desires for the meantime. She has no reason to change the status quo.

However, the last time we discussed the R was back in early December almost 2 months ago.

And if I remember correctly she told you she would think about it. She did... and chose not to answer.

I agree that OM is meeting her emotional needs.

True, however he is not meeting ALL her emotional needs. When that happens she will move forward with the D.

I have offered to go to MC to address my shortcomings in this regard and she has refused.

You're doing too much pursuing. A lot of your behavior reeks of pursuit. That book you mentioned... that 40 days one. In all the time I've been on the board I have never seen it work with a WAW once.

Pretty tough to meet her emotional needs when she has this emotional wall between her and I.

I understand your driving desire to do this. I know the "burn" and the pain of rejection. While she is involved with the OM in whatever way, means or form your efforts are mute.

Yes, she acknowledges some of your changes and tells you that. Makes you feel good... but then she stops short. That's because she does not want to give you hope. She has made it very clear what she wants and she is just waiting for you to accept it because in her mind "you just don't get it."

I have thought about the LRT, but in my mind that would look like I was reverting to my old self except for the anger part.

Do you see the fear here? I do... it's pretty apparent. You're scared to do this because you FEAR that this will drive her away.

If she wants a Divorce, then I am more tha willing to go down that path.

You're NOT LISTENING to your W. She does NOT want a divorce either.

Her desire (and probable plan note: I "AM" mind-reading here) is to deceive the kids that you are a big happy family until they are out of the house, thereafter she can D you. There used to be a question bandied about where the LBS was asked that went something along the lines of, "Is this the marriage model you want to teach your kids?" It was controversial and had pro's and con's. But now we're getting off topic...

Living like this is painful and I am only doing it for the benefit of my kids.

I know.

My wife has not even apologized for her EA.

Most do not. At least while they are still involved IN the EA.

I just want to know whats going on so that I can move forward with her either in or out of my life.

I hear you but you are NOT listening to her again. Listen to her ACTIONS.
You already know whats going on but refuse to listen. Why do I say this? Because your W has told you what is going on. She is having an EA and she is going to continue the EA (in secret.) You have received your answer via her silence.

I'd like you to SERIOUSLY consider this question. Put yourself in her shoes and think: What reasons does she have NOT to continue with the status quo? She can more or less do as she pleases. The only consequences to her actions have been you becoming nicer to her. Your W is happy with the way things are and in her eyes you're starting to accept it because you're being nice to her. She has nothing to lose, does she?

Not sure how far to go with this? What is your modified form of the LRT?

I don't have "my" version of the LRT. In your situation you cannot go completely dark on her because you're both under the same roof. Another reason you cannot do the LRT "as prescribed" is because you have kids.

You will need to "tailor make" your own version of the LRT and going dark on her. One of the DB mottos is "Do what works and stop doing what doesn't."

So...

1) Confronting hasn't worked.
2) Pursuing (doing things for her... e.g. breakfast, flowers etc) hasn't worked.
3) Worrying about what she is doing... the same.

Here's somewhere to start on creating your custom LRT:

1) In all your interactions with her be: Cool, calm and collected. Nothing phases you. That means: You DO NOT become angry, sulky, grumpy and any other behavior that turns her off.
2) You avoid drama AT ALL COSTS... this means if you can't handle it... walk away. Cut the conversation short.
3) Stop satisfying her Emotional Needs - she has OM for that. AND NO YOU DO NOT TELL HER THAT.
4) You STOP EXPLAINING things to her. She's a big girl, if she doesn't want you stop forcing yourself onto her.
5) You STOP sharing with her what is going on with your life. When asked you give her a "gray answer" e.g. "Nothing much"
6) You GAL like a mad man... and I mean it. Avoid her at ALL costs. You don't want to be around her... and not because you're sulking... but because you are BUSY ENJOYING your life.

Those are six points to start on. You have the book, read it and tailor it to your needs. REMEMBER: This is for YOU not for WAW.

The most important thing here during the LRT is that you are the 4C's and impeccable in your behavior.