Someone suggest H is having a MLC....I don't know?

[Queen_of_Swords]

Yeah well, I do feel victimized. Especially given the events and how they unfolded and his silence until it was too late for me to DO/CHANGE anything about it. I'm not a mind reader and I didn't know, all I knew was he was unhappy, stressed and tired, not that he laid all his unhappiness at my doorstep.
Sorry I can't live up to expectations of turning off my feelings and not expressing them.

You know what I get when I read this? YOU are blaming YOURSELF for what he is doing. You know why I know? Because I did the same thing, and at times catch myself still doing it. If you knew then that he was stressed, depressed, and unhappy, would you have been able to make HIM happy? No.

I realise it's not within my power to make anyone happy or unhappy, at least intellectually. I guess I just feel very cheated of the opportunity to address all of those things he said about my behaviour and character that seemed to affect his day to day living, peace of mind and detracted from his daily enjoyment of life so much.

This is about him finding happiness and about YOU finding happiness with yourself. It is not about finding happiness with a restored marriage, it is not restoring the marriage for comfort or to feel "safe." For what ever reason, he chose to bale. THIS is time for YOU.

It doesn't feel like time for me. It feels like prison sentence /punishment, and not just for me, but for the kids too.
A freaking long time out for bad behaviour, with reeducation thrown in for good measure. Granted I chose that and it was not imposed upon me by anyone, just by the circumstances of trying to cope with this garbage.

It's taken me a very, very, very long time to get here - to this place in my mind that I GET it. You ask about timelines? I accused my H of an affair 8/16/06. He denied it. I spent a year and half BLAMING myself for a very rapidly deteriorating marriage. I tried all that I could to make him want to work on things, all the time blaming myself for blaming him for the ONE thing he would NEVER do. You know what? I was right all along.

Yeah I'm suspecting an emotional/ or even physical affair myself. No proof, but my instincts lean in that direction.

Was it my fault that he didn't tell me he was unhappy and was seeking happiness with someone else? No. Did I feel it was my fault, and in some ways still feel it? Yes. It's all part of being HERE. It's all part of being the WAS, no matter what the circumstances.

Do you stand or not stand for your M based on any timeframe? That's up to you. My H moved out 7/18/08. He has asked for a D at least 4 times via e-mail with the first being 4/13/08. E-MAIL!!

Oh I hear you! My H did the same thing. Disrespectful, mean, cowardly...doesn't begin to describe getting the information that way. They may as well have stood on the front step of our homes and had a bullhorn, but that would have taken guts.

After a relationship of 30 + years. D is what he wants, however he wants me to D him. It is not what I want, I still feel that D is wrong and I have not done anything more than retained an attorney to look after my interests and respond when he is ready to file. Everyone is different when it comes to handling this, and how you handle it must be right for YOU - no one else.

Yes every person here and situation is individual, no matter how many points in common they have.
I've still made no decision, hired no lawyer. I've only hired a DB counselor and spent a ton of money on my program and DB counselor.
The thoughts and feelings I have are still swirling around in the blender. My thought processes lean this way though, if he's ended our M, then maybe I just need to suck it up, let the D happen or even file for it myself.
H brushed me off like dandruff. Perhaps I need to do that too.
Hanging on to someone,on any level, who can do that to another person ( and their own children!) and be so blase', matter of fact and unconcerned about it doesn't appear to have done any of the posters here much good considering the circumstances of MLC. On the surface it looks like a bad investment.
Easier to believe he's dead to me, a stranger I never really knew that used me. H. hopes we can find a friendship.

I thought we had one, and that's part of what created our M.

I don't know if I'm capable of being a friend to someone who has lied, backstabbed and treated me as he has. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

I have forgiven him for leaving, I don't know that I can forgive him staying away and not seeking out help for his issues and hurting our children this way...the same way he was hurt as child.

I have empathy for his pain, I feel for the child inside the man that's hurting so much right now. That part of me struggles with the need to protect myself and my children.

I live my life as if my M is over, because it is in all but the legal sense. I still wear my ring, because it still means something to me. For me, after a relationship with a man for over 30 years, 3 kids and a lot of trials and tribulations that we overcame, you don't "give-up" after a few years of he&$. Will I reach the point some day where I will file to get it over with, maybe, but I'm not there yet, and I'm not going to put a timeframe on it. Because it is not right for ME.

Yes, we have to do what's right for us and in line with our values. I'm trying to figure out what mine are deep down.

I still have a long way to go (I am still learning who I am and what makes me happy), but each day brings a little more peace, a little more acceptance and a little more clarity. The thing is, I still love my H. I don't love what he's done, and at times don't love who he is NOW - but I still don't feel that THIS is him.

It's hard, but be patient. Stop focusing on your H, and focus on YOU and your kids. Find what makes you happy and learn how to not define yourself by the success or failure of your marriage (still working on this too). Don't watch the clock. Take each week, day, hour, minute or second as it comes. Do what is right for you and no one else. Love your kids and be there for them during this EXTREMELY difficult time for them. They will be looking to you for strength. They will be looking to you for stability and most of all will be looking at how you handle this. Do your best to handle each day as it comes with dignity. Do not REACT or RESPOND no matter how hard it is and in the end, however it ends (D or a restored M) you will have no regrets.[

Thank you for the advice and your response. I'm so sorry our situations are so close. I will do my best, it's all I can do.