I think a part of you knew that she wasn't going to call last night. She was going to retreat and you really need to expect this, ok? If she does have this DB call with you and if it does go well, she is still going to retreat afterwards. This is why I want you to talk to the DB coach alone so you know what to expect. It is so important that you keep your great attitude and not ride the next roller coaster with her, because she is definitely going to go for a ride.
Truegritter is right about just staying cool. That should be easy, because you are cool Also, I agree watch the pressure, ok? That is so hard sometimes, I know. We want validation and security. But that can kill everything. My sitch was not bad at the beginning but because I sought validation and security, I killed it all. So don't be me!!!
You are doing awesome, though. And I still think you need to take some time to be happy about that.
You guys are right. At times I get so comfortable in the conversation I lose my focus. I must maintain!
Update>>>>>>
Took some meds yesterday and it knocked me out cold! This morning W called
W "hey what are you doing? Are you sleeping??"
M "nah. I have a cold I sound like a frog. Good morning"
W "I am running late for work. I hope they fire me! I hate this job. I don't care"
M "I am sorry. You just didn't hear the alarm?"
W "I did. I just laid there. It's just been a bad week"
M "Would you like for me to call you in the morning when I get up. Just to say Hi and then I'll go"
W "NO. I don't want anything from you. I don't want to depend on you. I can do this on my own"
M "you've done so much already. ok. It would be no problem"
W "I gotta go"
M "Ok but if you need someone to talk to let me know. I feel it to"
W "Ok thank you"
I think some mistakes where made by me in this convo. Not enough validating and too quick to help. I need to work on that but it has always been my nature to run to her aid when she is hurting. I always want to take the pain away.
I almost asked her if I could come down for few days to have some lunch or dinner.
No no no!!!!!
Originally Posted By: 2stepboogie
W "I did. I just laid there. It's just been a bad week"
M "Would you like for me to call you in the morning when I get up. Just to say Hi and then I'll go"
W "NO. I don't want anything from you. I don't want to depend on you. I can do this on my own"
The proper response was validation, not fix-it, as you seem to have figured out.
You can't make it all better.
You can't short-circuit the process.
She has to go through her process alone. Just like you are going through your process alone. That way you are two whole functioning adults when you try and build a new relationship.
Even if she did decide to come back, she would forever regret giving up on herself, giving up her fight to find herself and claim her independence. She would resent you for it FOREVER. You can't rush her.
Time is on your side. Take a deep breath and take care of yourself. Kick that cold and get some gym time in. Spend time with your D. Give her time and space.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
So W was feeling really down today so I sent her a text after the convo
M "I'm sorry you are having a rough day. I know it will work out for u, just keep smiling cause your smile is contagious. The sun will come out tomorrow"
W "thank you"
About 20 minutes later
W "Thanks for listening"
M ":) It's my pleasure. Thank you for trusting me enough to share. What's the name of your company?"
W "Name in Ponca right now....Name in blackwell in Feb"
W "why u ask?" no response from me
W "??"
M ":) just wondering"
W "Why? What r u planning?"
M "LOL nothing"
W "I don't believe u"
M "LOL so skeptical"
W "yes I am"
M "Lol rightfully so...."
W "I'm feeling a little better...I'm out doing field work. I hate my job;but at least it gets me out of the office"
M "Oh good the weather is nice so it gives u some fresh air. Will you be out all day?"
W "No not all day just for a bit"
M "Be careful people don't like the debt collector! lol"
W "I will lol"
A few more minutes pass and then this
W "ur so predictable...Now anyways....lol"
M "How do u mean?"
W "I could be off...but r u thining of sending something to cheer me up?"
M "Have a good day at work! :)"
W "lol thanks you too"
I sent her flowers today. I know I know it's pursuing! Hey I am a rookie at this to!!
So W was feeling really down today so I sent her a text after the convo
M "I'm sorry you are having a rough day. I know it will work out for u, just keep smiling cause your smile is contagious. The sun will come out tomorrow"
W "thank you"
About 20 minutes later
W "Thanks for listening"
M ":) It's my pleasure. Thank you for trusting me enough to share. What's the name of your company?"
W "Name in Ponca right now....Name in blackwell in Feb"
W "why u ask?" no response from me
W "??"
M ":) just wondering"
W "Why? What r u planning?"
M "LOL nothing"
W "I don't believe u"
M "LOL so skeptical"
W "yes I am"
M "Lol rightfully so...."
W "I'm feeling a little better...I'm out doing field work. I hate my job;but at least it gets me out of the office"
M "Oh good the weather is nice so it gives u some fresh air. Will you be out all day?"
W "No not all day just for a bit"
M "Be careful people don't like the debt collector! lol"
W "I will lol"
A few more minutes pass and then this
W "ur so predictable...Now anyways....lol"
M "How do u mean?"
W "I could be off...but r u thining of sending something to cheer me up?"
M "Have a good day at work! :)"
W "lol thanks you too"
I sent her flowers today. I know I know it's pursuing! Hey I am a rookie at this to!!
Ok 2Step, I'm going to wait and see how this flower sending thing works out for you before I make any such attempt! Thanks for being the Guinea Pig!!
Seriously though, watch your step (no pun intended) here. Things are going well for you, but you could scare her away. You've heard the Squirrel analogy right? Think I saw on TrueGrit's thread from way back. Just proceed with caution and don't throw DB principles out the window.
You and me both need to follow the above advice.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
2step you've had a great week! Wow. She did pull back exactly as others have said she would. She's got to find for herself if she wants to be with you or not .... and she obviously resents that she was dependent on you.
I'm no expert .... but if I were evaluating myself and I had done the same things ... I'd say that this was quite a lot of pursuit. Seems like you have have put her back in the driver's seat. And she reacted as such. "You're so predictable ... you're going to send me something". I think the trick here is we have to make THEM pursue US. I know my W almost feels like I tricked her or manipulated her into being with me. Whether or not this is true (I don't think so) ... I think these WAWs really think that. Being a Nice Guy ... hoping for something in return ... that's not being the kind of man that they would throw their panties at.
But WOW, you've had some amazing progress here. I'm so proud of you. No, don't scare this little confused deer away. Let her come take the food from your hand ... don't run after her throwing it :-)
BITS!!!!!!!!!!!
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
You are right. You know I really sent them as a friendly gesture to cheer her up. Maybe I should of not sent them but what's done is done. I am going on 5 days no crying! New record! I am starting to love me again and that feels good. I still get down and still feel lonely but I think that is to be expected.
Also, I agree watch the pressure, ok? That is so hard sometimes, I know. We want validation and security. But that can kill everything. My sitch was not bad at the beginning but because I sought validation and security, I killed it all. So don't be me!!!