Someone suggest H is having a MLC....I don't know?

[handlingplanb]

Yeah well, I do feel victimized. Especially given the events and how they unfolded and his silence until it was too late for me to DO/CHANGE anything about it. I'm not a mind reader and I didn't know, all I knew was he was unhappy, stressed and tired, not that he laid all his unhappiness at my doorstep.
Sorry I can't live up to expectations of turning off my feelings and not expressing them.

You know what I get when I read this? YOU are blaming YOURSELF for what he is doing. You know why I know? Because I did the same thing, and at times catch myself still doing it. If you knew then that he was stressed, depressed, and unhappy, would you have been able to make HIM happy? No. This is about him finding happiness and about YOU finding happiness with yourself. It is not about finding happiness with a restored marriage, it is not restoring the marriage for comfort or to feel "safe." For what ever reason, he chose to bale. THIS is time for YOU.

It's taken me a very, very, very long time to get here - to this place in my mind that I GET it. You ask about timelines? I accused my H of an affair 8/16/06. He denied it. I spent a year and half BLAMING myself for a very rapidly deteriorating marriage. I tried all that I could to make him want to work on things, all the time blaming myself for blaming him for the ONE thing he would NEVER do. You know what? I was right all along.

Was it my fault that he didn't tell me he was unhappy and was seeking happiness with someone else? No. Did I feel it was my fault, and in some ways still feel it? Yes. It's all part of being HERE. It's all part of being the WAS, no matter what the circumstances.

Do you stand or not stand for your M based on any timeframe? That's up to you. My H moved out 7/18/08. He has asked for a D at least 4 times via e-mail with the first being 4/13/08. E-MAIL!! After a relationship of 30 + years. D is what he wants, however he wants me to D him. It is not what I want, I still feel that D is wrong and I have not done anything more than retained an attorney to look after my interests and respond when he is ready to file. Everyone is different when it comes to handling this, and how you handle it must be right for YOU - no one else.

I live my life as if my M is over, because it is in all but the legal sense. I still wear my ring, because it still means something to me. For me, after a relationship with a man for over 30 years, 3 kids and a lot of trials and tribulations that we overcame, you don't "give-up" after a few years of he&$. Will I reach the point some day where I will file to get it over with, maybe, but I'm not there yet, and I'm not going to put a timeframe on it. Because it is not right for ME.

I still have a long way to go (I am still learning who I am and what makes me happy), but each day brings a little more peace, a little more acceptance and a little more clarity. The thing is, I still love my H. I don't love what he's done, and at times don't love who he is NOW - but I still don't feel that THIS is him.

It's hard, but be patient. Stop focusing on your H, and focus on YOU and your kids. Find what makes you happy and learn how to not define yourself by the success or failure of your marriage (still working on this too). Don't watch the clock. Take each week, day, hour, minute or second as it comes. Do what is right for you and no one else. Love your kids and be there for them during this EXTREMELY difficult time for them. They will be looking to you for strength. They will be looking to you for stability and most of all will be looking at how you handle this. Do your best to handle each day as it comes with dignity. Do not REACT or RESPOND no matter how hard it is and in the end, however it ends (D or a restored M) you will have no regrets.