Hi everyone! Have enjoyed reading/lurking here for some time. I have been looking for inspiration and knowledge from all of you, and have learned quite a bit. Have read DB, and had 6 phone calls with one of MW-D’s counselors, one with my “husband”.
I use quotes because he is not legally my husband anymore. I may be wrong, but I feel our situation is somewhat unique. Here goes: we are divorced, there have been NO affairs emotional or otherwise for either of us, and we have never lived apart. In fact we still sleep in the same bed.
If I had to sum up our problems in a nutshell, I’d say we got “wrecked” by too much outside crap, i.e. life hitting us in too short a time, without enough of the good stuff.
Here’s a timeline: we got married after much pursusing on his part. I had been married before (no kids) for 7 years. He had never been married. We were both in our late 30s. First big *wave* was having our first child. We both very much wanted a child, and were very excited. It was much more difficult than either of us had imagined it would be. We were both used to having our free time and not having to do so much for another person. It was overwhelming. Plus, I stopped working full time, and I think he felt a lot of pressure. Around this time he would tell me he “should have never married” me in arguments, and that maybe we “ought to divorce”. Of course this freaked me out completely, and the following morning, or when the argument had passed, I’d ask him if he had meant what he said, and he always said that, no he didn’t, and usually apologized.
We got to a good place, and we decided to have another child. A year later I got pregnant, and found out fairly late in the pregnancy that I was going to have twins. While he was fine with this development, I was pretty anxious and scared of the responsibility and workload ahead. Around this same time my mother offered to pay for him to go back to school to get an MBA so that my (professionally underemployed) H could get a better job. We had a top 20 school in our town, and my mother was giving us this gift—all good right?
So he’s working full-time, going to school some evenings, and I’m taking care of 3 kids (no family around) full time, and working evenings & weekends. We’re both burning the candle at both ends. Just exhausted. We’re living for the day when he graduates, and that high paying job comes into view.
So then we’re hit with the biggest, most awful thing ever. Our sweet 3 year old child is diagnosed with a “lifelong” condition that has a very grim prognosis. By high school age or before, he would have to be institutionalized or living in a group home facility. How this affects me is much like falling down a well with a very deep bottom, and there is no way out. Ever. I had never really been depressed before, but for months it took EVERY bit of strength I had to get out of bed in the morning. It was every parent’s nightmare come true.
At this same time, my H graduates with his MBA, having done very well, only to find that the economy has crashed, and that there are no jobs, let alone the ones with the 6 figure salaries attached to them. So our agreement is that we both work on our respective problems, me finding a possible cure for our child, and him getting a better job. I worked very, very hard to crack the code of my son’s illness, and spent hours every evening researching online, spent plenty of money for doctors that our insurance wouldn’t pay for, arranging therapies, doctor’s appts, Only problem was that after an initial flurry of interviews, he lost interest and gave up. He said I put limits on his opportunities due to geography, which is true. But mostly, he lost the desire.
So we start a downward spiral of bickering, fighting, exchanging snide/ugly remarks. My mother, who was originally happy to pay for his degree has by now turned impatient, and is angry, complaining to me nearly everyday about my H not landing a job. I find myself lying to her and say that he is “looking hard’, when in reality he is lifting weights or reading, or whatever. I find myself shifting between being a depressed, bereft mom to angry resentful wife, and crappy mother to my healthy kids. I’m furious at him because I feel I’ve done all the work in regards to our son, and now I’m shielding him from my mother’s growing discontent. He thinks I’m a screaming shrew. By this time we haven’t had sex in 6 mos. At least.
So, one day we have a REALLY nasty fight. Screaming, swearing, name calling. And then he says, “I think I should divorce you.” And I, who have heard this line one too many times, and am furious that he would threaten me with this crap AGAIN, after all that we have been through with our boy, say, VERY loudly, “GO AHEAD!!!”
So about 2 weeks later, I am served with divorce papers. The shock is overwhelming. He tells me that I need to get a job and put our 2 pre-school aged kids in daycare and move out. I’m not sure why, but I don’t tell anyone, guess I was humiliated, and I’d convinced myself that I could turn it around. I eventually told everyone, which made my mother more angry. She died at the end of 2010 after a long illness. What’s awful is that he owned the house before we got together, but I’ve co-signed on a refi, so I owe have the mortgage. Can you say dumbo? Ugh.
For several months I did a BIG TIME 180 and was as nice as I could muster. He was pretty nasty to me, but never slept anywhere other than our bed. I did my share of begging, pleading, butt kissing, etc. Things got better and better. We began making love again, though it was at my suggestion. He started referring to us in future tense, whereas before if I did that he reminded me that we were not married, and that we had no future.
So ultimately I “corrected” all the issues he initially gave for divorcing. So I asked if we could get married again, and he said no. He said that he can’t trust me, and that if we get married he will be “trapped” and I will become verbally abusive to him. Never mind that we BOTH slipped into bad behaviors, not just me. He has decided that our entire marriage has been this way, but really it began when our son got sick and the graduation/lack of job thing started.
We have three children, and our son is very healthy now, and getting better all the time. H has no siblings, and his dad is dead, has no relationship with his mother. I have no siblings, and my mother died this year. I tell you this because I believe in my soul that staying together is what’s best for the emotional health of our children—who are oblivious to all that’s gone on. Neither of us really has anyone else. I find myself being angry that we are throwing away tax money by not being married, and that I am not carried on his insurance any longer. I am not sick, but need an rx for migraines, and would like to have my teeth cleaned. I postponed all this while my son was ill, and now I'd really like to take care of myself again. It would cost him nothing to have me on his insurance if I were on as his wife, but several hundred $/mo. living as we do, which I cannot afford.
My mother’s estate will be out of probate by the early fall. We need to get our kids in a better school district ASAP, so we need to move. Our house is also really tiny. He agrees with all of this, but has no plans, and if I try to get some ideas out of him, he tells me nothing, and if pushed, gets angry. My best friend and her husband live in another state with great schools, and I’d be closer to other family there. I’d like to go there (he says he would too, but just not as a married person) and live. Neither of us is from the state we live in, which is in a different region from where we grew up—there is nothing that keeps us here, and neither of us likes it.
He now expresses worry that I might go, and accuses me of “breaking up” our family. I am starting to feel silly/embarrassed about the statue of our relationship. My friends think I'm nuts, but I don't want our children to be raised without their father. He says he loves me, hasn’t been with anyone else, doesn’t want to be with anyone else, and wants to raise our children together.
Not sure how to play this out. Any insight or advice very appreciated!
The divorce atty. I hired called it a" legal divorce". He'd never heard of anyone who was getting a divorced sleeping in the same bed as the person they're divorcing.
I want him to marry me. Neither of us has had an affair of any kind. We live together, sleep together. Certainly there's hope?
We seems to be in a pattern that suits HIM. It's like we're married, except that he had his own money, and he must feel "free" even though he's not, really.
Since my son's illness has nearly resolved, I want to move forward--with everything life has to offer
I didn't realize that divorced meant "no leeway". I do think we have a lot going for us. He tells me he loved me (often before I tell him) and we've not had affairs, etc.
I'm feeling like he's just going to keep pushing/pulling. We get close and are kind to one another, then he'll pull away,
Do I need to do 180s? I guess he's a WAS who hasn't WA. Sorta like he's getting the milk, so why bother to get married/get the cow, KWIM?
[quote]Do I need to do 180s? I guess he's a WAS who hasn't WA. Sorta like he's getting the milk, so why bother to get married/get the cow, KWIM?[quote]
I agree with you. He's cake eating.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
It is hard to tell from our standpoint what you are in a position to do in your relationship. ALL relationships have some sort of push/pull to them, to varying levels.
Do you feel you could tell him you really want to marry him again, and ask him what he would need to see to do that. Then you have to decide what you are really willing to live with.
Scylla means well, but it isn't helpful to think of him as 'cake-eating', which is a popular phrase on the board. It just makes you more frustrated with him when you see behaviors that seem to connect to the phrase, and it doesn't represent the whole truth of the relationship. It will help you to list everything you get out of your relationship.
