About a month before she dropped the bomb we got in an argument that ended with her crying and proclaiming that maybe she should just be alone for the rest of her life. This made me realize how depressed she was and I tried my best to console her but she was already so numb that it had pretty much no effect. Still I didn't expect to hear the words come out of her mouth that our marriage was over in her mind just a few weeks later.
After the bomb she made reference to our life in the future like "if we stay together we can take this whine tasting class together" ... but then my pursuing pushed her too far away.
During our separation she would make comments like "you hear stories all the time about people getting divorced and remarrying.." or "it's like the saying... if you love it let it go" Obviously I needed to give her REAL space then but I was unable to. She sent my sister and I a text at the same time one night saying that she "just wanted all of the pain to stop for everyone" I responded by saying that divorce wouldn't make the pain go away.
Our last phone conversation was on December 22nd and it was after I read an intensely cold email from her that pushed me over the edge that night. I had emailed her a long email saying that I didn't understand why the process was taking so long for the divorce after she had filed but that if she was wanting time to think that was fine with me. She responded that it was all her attorney's fault and that it had nothing to do with her needing to think, she just wanted to divorce and move on. I called her in a panic really and was doing everything but validate. After that I had to go dark in order to protect myself from screwing up like that again.
Last week we had some email exchanges where I was able to sincerely respond to her with a smile on my face and talk to her "as if" I was her friend. I think that that confusion of my response is why she hasn't got back with me about transferring some bills into my name that are on a joint account right now. I could be wrong but I have that hope.
I've made so many mistakes along the way and I'm trying to turn them around one at a time. I appreciate all of the help you guys are giving me and realize how frustrating it is for the vets to know what I need to do and me not being able to execute.
Thanks.
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
