mj144, I don't really remember how we ended the conversation, it was late and I guess it just ended. She said, "That was a nice talk" and we went to bed. Not together, it wasn't that good of a talk. He He.
My feelings now? After the talk I was pretty high, I know something had to be done to release the tension, and something had to be done to try and show her the changes were for real, and about me.
I hope the biggest thing that comes out of the talk would be that she can try to start looking at the changes as real. Because she wasn't. She definately said she doesn't believe them, and even if they are real, how does she know they are not going to come back 10 years from now. I responded with, " I plan on having to work on myself for the rest of my life".
Now that the next day is here, everything is like the talk never happened, back to the same routine. But, that's ok, it is what I expected. I would of liked to see things open up a little, but I will just have to wait and see.
The bad parts of the conversation have set in today. Not really things she said, but reactions she had. I started the conversation with just plain out validating her feelings about not trying and feeling done, I never mentioned D. After validating I said that I really appreciated the time. Meaning she hasn't filed or anything. Her facial expression changed and it looked like she wasn't to happy about it. I think because I started by telling her that I understood how she felt, she thought I was going to tell her that we should procede with the D. I hope not, but this is the vibe I got.
She stood really firm. Like she is dead set in what she was doing. She wants D, She is done, She doesn't want to try. She did not say these things again, but as I did, and validated them, her actions were telling me "Yep, buster, you got it, that's the way it is." She was really showing steel resolve.
All of that was at the beginning of conversation, during the main validation part. As the conversation went on, basically me talking, things seemed to change I think. She would just listen, and then if something hit her, she would tell me something. No arguing or anything like that, just good conversation.
Then I brought up things that I thought happened in our marriage. I didn't want this to turn into a R talk but it did, because of me. I wanted her to know that I understood where my anger was coming from. So I told her about our communication. It stunk. She agreed, but with the look like she had never really thought much about it, but I was right. I saw she wasn't fighting me on any of this, so I kept plugging along.
I then told her, she keeps everything to herself, and I get angry when we don't know what to do communication wise. She seemed to agree. She said she was just the type to say something once, and that should be enough. I validated.
Anyway, I could write what we talked about all night. The point is, She started pretty much sticking to her guns that she was done, and as the conversation went on, she started bringing moments up from the past that bugged her, and stuff like that. I told her I was sorry and that I understand I was doing that, and it was wrong. If it was something I never realized before, I told her, " I am glad you told me, I didn't know that, it will give me one more thing I need to work on about myself.
She would get teary eyed when she talked about stuff. Mainly the stuff that hurt her. By the end of the conversation, she just stood up and said, "That was a nice talk", and that was the end.
I know I would have to get into greater detail, but with what I wrote, does anyone see her letting her guard down during this conversation?
It seemed to me like she had that wall up pretty high to start off with, and maybe the validation through her off, and she started peeking over the top of the wall to see what the heck was going on.
H-40 W-38 Together-20 Married-12 boy-7 girl-3 bomb-9/17/10 No papers live together No affair
