First off my H and I both suck at communication. So take this with a grain of salt.
But if you read your post again and turn that around like someone is asking you all of those questions, especially, say if you were a bit down over something you didn't want to discuss right then, how would you feel?
I don't know if you H is big on conflict avoidance or not. But your interest and concern could feel like grilling to him. I say that because that is exactly how my H took my questions. Not how I intended them to come across at all.
On anger at OW, I still off and on find there is some anger left in me. Something Sage shared that has helped is when she starts thinking of OW, she visualizes slamming a lid on a box that OW is in and then throwing it out the window of a moving vehicle. Kind of a good feeling as you visualize it falling into an abyss. Just thought it might help you some. My H's OW was one of my best friends for like 15 - 16 years, so tough to deal with, and she lives in a town close to me. So believe me I understand your anger. But in the end, the only person all of that anger hurts is you, eats at you, and destroys your peace of mind and your possible chance at happiness. Don't give her that much power in your life.
{{{{{VelvetPear}}}}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
