Ugh, I am just feeling absolutely sick. All in all I knew I took the risk of this so I supposed I have no one to blame but myself. I tried to call Joe yesterday but he didn't pick up or call me back. I haven't heard a thing from him since Sunday and him standing me up on Monday. Honestly, things could not have been going better up till Sunday.
I feel like there is two sides, there is the fact that I am hurt because I trusted him and there is the other fact that deep down I knew it wasn't going to last and I didn't want to accept it because I *really* liked him. I know that even if he comes back to me now (which I wholly doubt will happen) I know that I have to be strong and say no and that is hard. I fell for this guy when I knew I shouldn't and I knew it would end but I had hopes (bloody hope!!).
I don't know what is going on with him and frankly I suppose it doesn't particulary matter. I know it is the time of his dad's death and he ususally freaks out around this time but I can't be with a guy who is this flakey and doesn't give back to me.
It has opened up a whole other realisation for me too which I have to try and get my head around which are my plans for the rest of my time here. If I am really honest I had planned on doing my farm work to get a second year visa. But the only reason I was really doing that was because I knew Joe wanted to come back out next year and I wanted that option. Realistically, while I have really loved my time here, I don't particularly want to come back and so doing farm work would just be a waste of time when I could just be somewhere nice doing something else.
The other option that I have to think about is that I have really had enough of being away. I had had enough before Christmas and it was only really Joe that kept me happy. I have run out of money and I owe money to my parents and my credit card. My sister Jenny comes out in a week and a half and we are going to Tasmania then she is going to a retreat in Thailand for 2 weeks and flying home. I am so tempted to join her. A retreat was one of my main criteria to be doing when I first came away and I could really do with the relaxation.
I don't know if it is running away, or giving up or what ever but really running away from what? If I were to stay the next few months in Australia I would want to find somewhere like Port Douglas that was basically so different from home and a nice town. But also, I am lonely. I miss my friends and for the first time I miss my family. The past few times I have spoken to Mum and Dad I have felt very sad. I am also missing out on all my friends 30th birthday parties. Speaking to them on skype is one of my favourite things to do. Since being away I have realised how many people at home care about me and how I hadn't appreciated it before.
I have to really think about what I want to do. I think it will be aparent over the next few days but for the moment I am just feeling gutted over Joe.
Who knows what's going on. No point in jumping to conclusions or worrying yourself about it.
He is an adult and can make his own decisions. You need to make the best decision for you, regardless of him. It's not like you've been dating a year and need to be considerate of him in that way.
You have been away from home a long time. It's been an amazing trip! But I wouldn't blame you if you went with your sister and then went home. Hell, that sounds like a great way to finish off this series of travels to me!
Isn't it funny how our emotions have nothing to do with the logical things we tell ourselves? Parting ways is never easy sweetie. I'm sorry it seems to be coming on so abruptly without a proper chance to say goodbye.
(((Julia)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I realised I think what was making me nervous about him.
That what I wanted from him was to acknowledge that he had a girlfriend and that that girlfriend was me. I wanted to be in an exclusive relationship that was commited to moving forward and wasn't in limbo about moving forward.
I didn't pressure him or tell him that and he was showing signs of it but I think we were on different pages.
Is that an unrealistic expectation?
Am I thinking too much and analysing?? I'm bored at work with nothing to do... it doesn't help!
In general, not an unrealistic expectation. With him...yes! LOL
It's not unrelistic if that's what you want. And if it's what you want, then definitely ask for that back! But you won't always get it. They'll either not be ready, or just aren't sure they want to date long-term yet. And if that's the case, then it's time to date someone else!
But I doubt he would have said yes and gone along with it and meant it. He just didn't seem ready to me.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I think if you feel that you have gotten out of your adventure what you wanted, then yes, it is time to wrap it up. If you are doing it to avoid Joe, than you might have some more thinking to do.
Picking up your life for a year is hard especially when you aren't a kid anymore. I will tell you though, when you get back home you will see how much you have grown, as will your friends and family.
Mighty proud of you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thailand sounds wonderful!! Please don't be so hard on yourself - and know that there is someone in this world who will treat you with the love and consideration that such a wonderful woman deserves. The "right one" will never leave you questioning this so much.
