Hi velvetpear. Regarding your feelings to the OW and you doing the detective work on the cell bill, here is my story.
I think you have to stop obsessing about the OW. No matter WHO the OW is, she is there as a matter of conevience for him. The affair is the concern and not the OW. Just be thankful the OW, is not your sister, your friend or your neighbor, (I hope!) she is just that, an OW. Again the affair is the problem and the reasons he started the affair is the problem, NO THE OW. I obsessed with the OM with my W's affair, but it took some time and reading to realize the A is the problem.
I also obsessed with hunting down info, spying on the cell bill and PC. What is the point, the A still exists and though it is not comforting, the less details you know the less hurtful it is. It is said, if you dig deep enough, you will find what you are looking for and it will be unpleasant. Getting too much detail on the OW just gives you too much to think about.
When I would confront my W with what I knew about the OM, it would just pi** her off, push her further away, the spying, the obsessing. STOP.
Found notes that my W was in love with the OM and even had thoughts of marriage, F**k that was painful. But over time (3 months) her feelings fell and the R with the OM fell apart. My therapist suggested that if I left things alone, stop the prying etc and “got a life” it would have probably happened sooner.
When you focus on the A, it bring up guilt for him, (whether he admits to himself or not is another story) but guilt is THERE! Making him guilty, forces him to run, to run to her!
I lived through the “I have no sex with the OM” too. Again, whether it is actually true or not is not the point. That is what he wants you to believe, I think that is a standard statement, so as not to hurt you and to bury HIS thoughts on what actually happened. There in the future will be a time and place to discuss the A at whatever level you are both comfortable with, but in the mean time, let time heal.
