How to handle my 16th Anniversary?

[VelvetPear]

Hello, All ....

Cathy suggested I come here for some help and encouragement. I started a thread (Need help dealing with the OW #618118 - 12/06/03 03:08 AM) in the newcomer's section if anyone wants an abbreviated version of my H's A.

Right now I am dealing with feelings toward OW. Being able to discuss it with members of this board has really helped. By putting my feelings out in the open instead of bottled up inside, I feel better. Right now, I don't think H can handle my negative feelings towards OW. I think my feelings feel like attacks on OW or possibly H and it causes H to feel like H needs to protect or defend OW which is not what I want or intended when I share my feelings.

Kudos to H for last night. Our love making was the most intense connected piece of time we've spent in awhile. I mean we were both really into it .... one of those rare wow moments. Then, the BEST part? I told H many conversations ago how rolling over away from me after sex made me feel like H was shutting me out and that I didn't want to appear clingy by cuddling up to H. Well, we finished making love and H curled up with ME instead of rolling the way I know H is most comfortable. What a great way for me to fall asleep last night! Thank you, H!

Anyways, to my question .... My 16th anniversary is coming up right after Christmas. I'm not sure how to spend it. Try to make a big deal of it with a night out at a hotel or should I just let it slide by quietly and hopefully plan for next year? H doesn't give a lot of input.

Our R still goes day by day. Today I'm in a great mood... so far .... mostly because of last night. But tomorrow .... who knows?

I don't want to push H into something that will only set our R back. How have others handled this situation?

VelvetPear

[love_endures4ever]

Welcome Velvet,

So glad you could join us. You might want to copy your first post and just paste it here..sorry for being so bossy, come here, do this do, that..this will be the last time...

Cathy

[VelvetPear]

Oh, wow ....

I was on Cloud 9 today until I just got a phone call from my son's school saying his PE teacher had just walked him in to the office to have a discussion about his frequent (translation: almost daily) tardies.

There my son unloaded to the Dean that some were his fault, some were his sisters' fault, and that sometimes our "arguing" affects him.

Wow .... want to talk about how R problems and A can have such devastating effects on kids! Why didn't H think about this before he went off to play with OW?

The kids don't know about the A. They only know that mom & dad are having problems that they are trying to work out. When asked if we would divorce, we were honest and said that was a possibility, but not one we were considering right now or for a very long time. I just didn't want to set them up assuring them everything was OK and then yank the rug out from under them and be accused of lying to them. We assured them that all mommies and daddies have problems and sometimes it just takes longer to work out some problems.

We don't talk in front of them. We don't argue in front of them. We talk late at night after they are asleep with the bedroom door shut in low voices. Pretty hard to be angry and "yell" when you can't raise your voice above a whisper.

But, they saw their mom turn into a zombie for July and August. I know they can sense the stress. Even when I think things are going better between my H and I, I guess they don't get that impression. Suprisingly, they said they did not feel any improvements... To them we are still fighting.

Why do my kids need to pay for the faults of adults? It's not fair for them!

I have to sign off now because I can't see the keys through my tears.

VelvetPear

[VelvetPear]

Do I cut and paste all the replies as well or just the original post?

Thanks ... Cathy ....

I don't take it as being bossy at all.

VelvetPear

[love_endures4ever]

VP,

Just the post with your background.

Cathy

[VelvetPear]

Here is my original post

I am new to DB so please forgive any ignorance on my part. I need help dealing with my feelings towards the OW.

Here is a brief history of the A:
Discover A at the end of July 2003 ... his work phone bill extremely high. Phone calls to NY at 12:30 AM our time/ 3:30 AM her time. Odd. Offered to challenge the phone calls with phone company. H says ... "oh probably mine. I've been dealing with NY a lot lately with work" At 12:30 AM? Odd. Reverse search on phone #. Ahhh ... OW's name appears. Internet search on OW's name. Ahhh ... see OW's picture, find OW's weblog, find OW is a lawyer. Confront H. H admits to A. H met her on-line. Just friends. OW was helping him work on our marriage. B.S.!

H spent $1000 to fly to NY and spend weekend with OW in July. Lied/business trip. Supposedly no sex occurred.

I demand A ends and no other contact. Yep, lies & contact with OW all through August. Found post on another divorce site from H about how H had fallen in love with OW. OW was his soulmate. F**K You OW and H.

OW calls business line nite before my b-day. I confront OW. Tell OW she's not welcome to call my home, talk to my H, or inflict any more pain on my children. H sends good-bye letter to OW supposedly at beginning of September.

It's been rocky at best since then. There are times I just wonder why I am still here. H & OW are still in contact by visiting each other's weblogs even though they are supposedly done! H sees no problem with this. I do!

In searching OW weblog, find OW is dating 2 other married men after H. H denies connection/pattern to his own relationship w/OW, but admits it in his weblog.

At first, H was talking about D. Backed off when I told H that H would have to tell kids why H was leaving. Then, I got so tired with the continued lying and pain I started talking about D-ing him. That I think shocked him.

We are in a holding pattern right now. Our therapist basically told us she couldn't help us anymore mid October. How bad is that to be thrown out on your ear by the therapist? How f****d up is our relationship?

I went into a tailspin after that. Bottomed out roughly 2 wks ago. Did find a book to help. I love my husband very much and want to work on keeping it together. Problem? Even when he does stuff for me, it's just not the same. I don't know if it is still too soon or are my feelings so deeply damaged that there is no recovery? I was hurt so much and cut so deeply by his writings, his lies, this whole A.

I find it very hard to let go of my resentment and hatred towards the OW. She knowlingly got involved with a married man. No lies or deception on H's part. OW knew he was married ... had kids ... he even sent OW pictures of kids. (really burns me!) H is not the type to go seeking OW. If OW had morals to stay away from married men, then H would have crawled back into his hole. This of course would not have helped our marriage, but maybe H would have felt guilty enough to start working on R.

I want to chew OW out and alert the world to her behavior. But, obviously OW sees nothing wrong in dating and pursuing married men (evidenced by her weblog clearly stating her potential boyfriends and their marital status). W/my H that makes 3 married men in less than 3 months time. How many more has OW dated that we don't know of?

How many more families is OW going to ruin and put through this pain because of her selfish needs? I feel the need to protect other families & to expose OW for who OW is. I want my H to stand up for me and see OW's true colors. How do I deal with these feelings?

Help me before hatred consumes me! I think this is the big stumbling block I am facing right now preventing my recovery and appreciation of the changes my H has tried to make.

VelvetPear

[anney]

Hi...Well I don't think focusing on the OW will do you any good. True the W who has an affair is in my book the lowest form of life. They are selfish and do not care who they hurt. Bi.ch is only one of the names I have for my Hs OW. Focus on yourself, take care of yourself. The OW is not worth driving yourself crazy over. I am pretty new to this also, my H is living with the Bi..ch, He has been stopping over or calling quit frequently. I'm thinking my DB is starting to work. I have found that reading as many books on this subject as possible has helped me. You can buy used books on Amazon.com, but watch the prices because shipping is 3.95 per used book. I have found a lot of used books in very good condition, very cheap..Hold your head up high and hang on tight the ride has just begun. This is not easy and it is the most painful thing you will probably do in your life, it has been for me.

[nikatnight]

VelvetPear,

Thanks for stopping over on my thread. I struggle with the same issues with dealing with OW. My H says she is just a friend. I so want to believe him, however I think he is in denial over EA or he has no interest in woman. I do not think I will ever know the truth for sure.

I know and have been told to detach and focus on you, not H or OW. That does help. Vent here as often as needed, that REALLY helps too! We all are commited to our M's and really need to constructively do what is needed to heal and move forward.

We are all on this journey to learn and become stronger. I wish I had that magic pill that would take away the jealousy and betrade feeling, but I don't. Hang in there. It will get better!! nik

[lenwithoutlove]

Hi velvetpear. Regarding your feelings to the OW and you doing the detective work on the cell bill, here is my story.

I think you have to stop obsessing about the OW. No matter WHO the OW is, she is there as a matter of conevience for him. The affair is the concern and not the OW. Just be thankful the OW, is not your sister, your friend or your neighbor, (I hope!) she is just that, an OW. Again the affair is the problem and the reasons he started the affair is the problem, NO THE OW. I obsessed with the OM with my W's affair, but it took some time and reading to realize the A is the problem.

I also obsessed with hunting down info, spying on the cell bill and PC. What is the point, the A still exists and though it is not comforting, the less details you know the less hurtful it is. It is said, if you dig deep enough, you will find what you are looking for and it will be unpleasant. Getting too much detail on the OW just gives you too much to think about.

When I would confront my W with what I knew about the OM, it would just pi** her off, push her further away, the spying, the obsessing. STOP.

Found notes that my W was in love with the OM and even had thoughts of marriage, F**k that was painful. But over time (3 months) her feelings fell and the R with the OM fell apart. My therapist suggested that if I left things alone, stop the prying etc and “got a life” it would have probably happened sooner.

When you focus on the A, it bring up guilt for him, (whether he admits to himself or not is another story) but guilt is THERE! Making him guilty, forces him to run, to run to her!

I lived through the “I have no sex with the OM” too. Again, whether it is actually true or not is not the point. That is what he wants you to believe, I think that is a standard statement, so as not to hurt you and to bury HIS thoughts on what actually happened. There in the future will be a time and place to discuss the A at whatever level you are both comfortable with, but in the mean time, let time heal.

Lots of hugs from Len. (((((((((velvetpear)))))))

[VelvetPear]

Hi, Anney, Nik, and Len ...

Thanks for the comments. It's hard to hang in there some days.

I've noticed a change in my husband since Tuesday. HE seems more depressed .... distant. He went to work fine and then came home different. I was having a party and even people who don't know my H and I or what is happening in our life asked what was wrong with him.

I have asked what's wrong, but he says "nothing". But, my gut just tells me there is something going on.

I told him last night that I made a very big mistake in the past by just letting him be and not asking questions and I was hurt very badly because of that mistake. I told him I would never make that mistake again. I asked if it was work or me? "No." he says

"Is it OW? Did you go to her website? Did she contact you?"

He replies, "why do you always assume it's about her?"

I say "fine" and walk away, but I'm thinking to myself ... "Why wouldn't I assume it's her. You haven't said those three magic words. You haven't come forth and said I'm really sorry for what I did to you and the kids.(Yes, he has apologized, but not in the way I need it or for the things I would like him to apologize for.) You haven't said I want you to be in my life. I choose YOU!"


Ugghhhhh!!!!! I just want to scream and pound on the keys. What's wrong with me today?

I will sign off for now.

VelvetPear