Mila, As hard as this is, you have to put on your business suit and look at everything, including your marriage as a business deal (contract) that has been broken. You have to leave your heart at the door when discussing the financial aspects of the separation/divorce. I know that you want to shake him until his eyeballs roll on the floor, but it will do absolutely no good right now.
We all wanted to give them an opportunity to realize what they were/are losing, but they are so lost in their "lust" for the ow and their other addictions, they just don't care at this time.
Protect yourself no matter what.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Bea and snodderly somewhere in one of my previous treads is the discussion about the business dilemma to quickly recap...our business is a corporation and we are both shareholders and directors. The thing is that I'm involved on the business management and the financial side and H has the expertise in what our company does. So I'm the more replaceable one. The company has been really suffering through his MLC and I'm not sure how could it prosper in the future if he continues to leave town on a whim for weeks at the time to see OW. I would eventually like to find a job and leave....don't want to be dragged down with the ship. At this point I'll gladly trade the company for an asset or cash...and just get out...we will see what I can negotiate with him.
I'm trying to do it nicely, but I'm not a pushover...I'll fight for what is right. The truth is that I wasn't really ready to push for the SA to be signed...I guess I was still hoping that he would wake-up...I'm no longer feeling that way...I'm ready to get the finances separated. You see he is not asking for it...he seems happy with everything as is...even the SA draft was my idea.
Quote:
We all wanted to give them an opportunity to realize what they were/are losing, but they are so lost in their "lust" for the ow and their other addictions, they just don't care at this time
That about says it all snodderly
Today he is emailing me from Ow's place about a project and looking for my approval and pats on the back...talking in terms of WE and US...so frustrating
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I absolutely agree with Snodderly on this one, but I also know it is so much easier said than done. I have the advantage of practically NEVER seeing my H, making it easier, I believe to detach from the situation.
Mila, I think what I was trying to express was the same idea - try and negotiate but recognise that this may not be possible. They truly expect us to be cheering them on from the sidelines, I think, in their crazy life.
Thank you Punkin...not seeing or having to talk to my H would be a relief....
This morning I received an email asking me where is the work I was supposed to do on a proposal for a client....a week ago I emailed it to him, he acknowledged it and thanked me for good work on it. I even asked if there was anything else needed on the RFP...his reply was no. He was supposed to submit it by today and this morning I get the "where is the work?" Tells me that either his brain is not functioning properly or that he just doesn't give a sh** about business
Just a little something else for all of you that are curious about MLC'ers crazy changes....
D came to me and said "Mom did you know that dad now likes yams, Brussels sprouts and root beer?" She was shocked, because she knew that all his life he avoided all of these foods....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Many years ago someone posted - it is somewhere in the archive - that in MLC they become the opposite in every way. But this is certainly carrying it to extremes.
The 'where is something' that they already have is also typical. My therapist told me that in his view they are living in a such a state of denial, that it is like a computer running a very large programme, and there is little memory or processing space for anything else.
One weird thing that happened to me was that my husband's ability to speak his second language diminished sharply, to the point where he could hardly construct a sentence. Which is doubly odd because it was the mother tongue of OW!!!
Hmm. How odd! (the food changes and the loss of the second language). I wonder if the whole "where is something" memory loss is anything like the whole "I don't remember saying that." My H came up with all sorts of things that I remember SO clearly--here's one: "The OW left her BF of 6 years for me because she thought he was way too smothering of her behavior." 7 months later it became" "I never said that. She left him because she never really loved him." I said "so if she lived with him 6 years and let him think that she did so he paid her mortgage, doesn't that make her a user?" And he said, "I'm not denying that she used him. But you know, lots of people do that sort of thing. It doesn't make them a bad person."
Crazy talk, isn't it?
And Mila, if you are having any trouble being objective when it comes to financial/legal stuff, it can be helpful sometimes to talk to a friend who is very objective about that sort of thing. For me, I confided in a male friend. I knew if I talked to his wife she'd be saying things like "bleed him dry" or "he's a douche" or whatever. My male friend was more detached from the situation and he even went to a lawyer meeting with me and then helped later. He was just able to keep level headed and not personalize anything. You probably have a friend who can do the same for you if necessary.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Neuroscientists tell us that teenagers--along with their brain-age contemporaries, MLCers--use the amygdala, a tiny, fearful area of the brain which governs gut reactions. By contrast, adults rely on their prefrontal cortexes, which guide executive functioning.
As a result, MLCers' brains easily interpret negative intentions in what we see as completely neutral statements, and are unable to anticipate consequences or apply logic. In addition, their pleasure-seeking centres fire up crazily when presented with large rewards, but pretty much ignore small ones.
This I can understand. However, I'm left wondering, why do most of the teenagers I know seem to function MUCH better than the MLCers I hear about?
Mila, I think if you continue on your path to trying to get out of the business before your H drives it into the ground, and look for another job, you'll find a lot of your stress reduced....
Yes, Mila, I hope you find a job soon. If you have to rely on him for your welfare, than it's going to be stressful. Make sure you get as much out of the business and divorce as you can. He can still work at his specialty while you will find it difficult to find a job given the economy. Remember, you have put a lot into this business, and you should get a good retirement and payout on leaving.
Good luck.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
