Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[2stepboogie]

Hey Hope,

I have prayed for you and all the others I have come to know. It is becoming a nightly ritual. I agree that I see progress but like Denver said "proceed with caution" Remember that it's a marathon not a sprint.

[hope2011]

Testing my DB skills today. One of the boys forgot his wallet on the kitchen counter this morning. When I picked it up to move it, it felt weird, almost squishy and there was a round outline you could see. I didn't look in it, I was too scared. I didn't freak out. But I took it to H and said "you need to feel this wallet". He did, he opened it and looked in... a condom. Our boys are 15. I know in this day and age a condom in the wallet of a 15 year old boy shouldn't freak me out. But I'm freaked out!!!!!!! I love these boys like my own. I lost a son many years ago (another topic for another day) so I am so overprotective of them it drives them nuts. I'd wrap them in bubble wrap every day if I could. My old self would completely freak out and want to know where/when/why. I'm the one who gave them the sex ed talk because H wouldn't. They came to me with questions until about a year ago. I thought they stopped because they were older, embarrassed, etc. Now.... ugh! 15 and having sex?!?!?!? No! We monitor everything they do here, who they hang out with, adult supervision, etc at our house and when we have them. Their mom let's them go unsupervised at her house. She's the "fun parent". So whatever they are doing on her time - we don't know. The mom in me is panicking, worried about them, wants to shelter them. They are not emotionally ready for sex, they are not responsible enough for sex, neither are in relationships or have a clue how to be respectful to girls. And they are at the age where they believe nothing bad will happen to them and condoms work 100% of the time. I can't even let them drive with their learner's permits when I'm in the car because I get so stressed out that they will wreck and get hurt.

I've been calm around H about all this. Only asked him a few questions; "are you going to tell their mom first or talk to them first?", "do you think he's just trying to be cool carrying that in his wallet?". No pushing, no nagging, no telling him what to do. Respecting him and his parenting.

So I need to calm down more and 180 more before they get home from school. Do I say nothing and let him handle it? This is the guy who wouldn't have the sex talk. He's got to step up to the plate though and talk to them now. But I can't say that.

Is it too early for a glass of wine?

[MrBond]

It's never too early for a glass of wine. As Jimmy Buffet says, It's 5:00 somewhere in the world.

[zengypsy]

Hope - just caught up with your sitch. First, I hope your Grandma is doing better. And secondly, YOU are making such wonderful progress. Slow and steady! I am very happy for you and proud of you for all your hard work. It's paying off! We mite have to move you to success stories one of these days! Wouldn't that be cool!

And the next time you have a glass of wine, have one for me ;-)

Maybe one day, even tho my D is emminent, I will have luck iwth STBH just like you.

Doing the happy dance for Hope! :-)

[2stepboogie]

Hey Hope keep up the good work!!! I know you will pull through this. Baby steps!!! I AM PROUD OF YOU

[Denver_2010]

I agree with Bond... never too early for a glass of wine... or a tequila shot!

To answer your question, I think that you ought to tell H what you think and then leave it up to him. They are his sons, even if you do love them as your own.

Remember, I have a SS myself and have learned some of this hard way.

BITS
Denver

[lostinscared]

Hey Hope,

How did it go last night? What did you decide to do? How did H handle the situation? Are you feeling calmer?

Thinking about you... and praying.

LIS

[dixiegal]

Hi Hope..just caught up on sitch...

How did it go???? Im proud of you remaining calm when handling the kiddos. That's tough!

Hang in there sweetie..your doing well...your aware...that's the great thing..

Praying for you!

[hope2011]

Thank you, everyone. I kept my mouth shut and let him handle it. He asked them about on the way home from school, when they were alone. SS1 turned red, SS2 starting laughing and said "see, I told you you'd never need that thing. Dad, he got it from Friend, his school gives them away". So I guess that means he was trying to look tough. He was so embarrassed, he was still red when they got home. H still hasn't had the sex talk with them yet. I'm not going to pressure him.

2 more big improvements:

Today is report card day, they both dropped their grades. I didn't say a word other than "you both are so smart, I know you can do better". I didn't nag at all, I didn't say anything to H. I let him handle it and he did great. He really stepped up and grounded them (rightfully so) and stood his ground (he's had a hard time doing that before). I'm really proud of him. I didn't tell him that (it sounds condescending) so I just told him "I really liked that analogy about school and golf you told the boys, I think that made a lot of sense".

Today would've been my son's 18th birthday. It's been a hard day for me. H has not always been so sensitive about it... mostly because he didn't know what to say/do. I'm really, really healthy in my grief (it's been a long time) but those 2 days a year (birth and death dates) get me. In the past, I'd know H wouldn't be sensitive (by that I mean he wouldn't let me talk or cry if I needed to, thought it was weird to buy balloons and let them go). The anticipation of the day is always worse than the day. I'd start building up a wall a week ahead of time, not let it bother me if he wasn't there, etc. This time, I tried really hard not to do that and I've just focused on DB'ing instead. Changing my behavior (the walls). Today, he came home from picking up the boys from school with balloons for my son and we let them go as a family. So now, I'm crying, but for a good reason.

A month ago, there was no hope. Now, I see a man I haven't seen in 2 years... the guy I fell in love with. Because I am working hard at being the woman he fell in love with (vs the naggy, negative shrew I turned into). I do know that without DB, we'd be physically separated and on our way to D and he'd be dating countless women he'd met over the internet right now. The ONLY thing that is saving me and is helping our M is DB. I was lucky (??) in that I had been through DB before in my 1st marriage. It didn't survive but the skills stuck with me. For 10 YEARS. I just didn't apply them until H pulled the rug out from under me. Then I started applying them immediately. Just like riding a bike. Sure, I fall off still. But I'm dropping my ego, focusing on my goal (saving the marriage), doing 180's, taking responsibility for my own mistakes and trying to work on me. I'm a major work in progress still. See how freaked out I still get? It's HARD. I'm a worrier so I obsess over everything. DB is hard, hard work. Still have a long way to go but I think we're on the right road.

[2stepboogie]

Hope,

You are an inspiration to me! I am so very happy for you. Keep up the good work the road was hard and although you still might hit some pot holes along the way you will survive them. Thank you for all your valuable advice I have really appreciated it.

It sounds like you guys are putting it together.!!