Ugh, I am just feeling absolutely sick. All in all I knew I took the risk of this so I supposed I have no one to blame but myself. I tried to call Joe yesterday but he didn't pick up or call me back. I haven't heard a thing from him since Sunday and him standing me up on Monday. Honestly, things could not have been going better up till Sunday.
I feel like there is two sides, there is the fact that I am hurt because I trusted him and there is the other fact that deep down I knew it wasn't going to last and I didn't want to accept it because I *really* liked him. I know that even if he comes back to me now (which I wholly doubt will happen) I know that I have to be strong and say no and that is hard. I fell for this guy when I knew I shouldn't and I knew it would end but I had hopes (bloody hope!!).
I don't know what is going on with him and frankly I suppose it doesn't particulary matter. I know it is the time of his dad's death and he ususally freaks out around this time but I can't be with a guy who is this flakey and doesn't give back to me.
It has opened up a whole other realisation for me too which I have to try and get my head around which are my plans for the rest of my time here. If I am really honest I had planned on doing my farm work to get a second year visa. But the only reason I was really doing that was because I knew Joe wanted to come back out next year and I wanted that option. Realistically, while I have really loved my time here, I don't particularly want to come back and so doing farm work would just be a waste of time when I could just be somewhere nice doing something else.
The other option that I have to think about is that I have really had enough of being away. I had had enough before Christmas and it was only really Joe that kept me happy. I have run out of money and I owe money to my parents and my credit card. My sister Jenny comes out in a week and a half and we are going to Tasmania then she is going to a retreat in Thailand for 2 weeks and flying home. I am so tempted to join her. A retreat was one of my main criteria to be doing when I first came away and I could really do with the relaxation.
I don't know if it is running away, or giving up or what ever but really running away from what? If I were to stay the next few months in Australia I would want to find somewhere like Port Douglas that was basically so different from home and a nice town. But also, I am lonely. I miss my friends and for the first time I miss my family. The past few times I have spoken to Mum and Dad I have felt very sad. I am also missing out on all my friends 30th birthday parties. Speaking to them on skype is one of my favourite things to do. Since being away I have realised how many people at home care about me and how I hadn't appreciated it before.
I have to really think about what I want to do. I think it will be aparent over the next few days but for the moment I am just feeling gutted over Joe.
