Ok, seriously, it's not me. Been at work 90 minutes. He's stopped by twice, he's called twice and he's e-mailed me once. Even got to hear about OW for a nano-second before I turned away from him.
Any word on the DB? As a guy this is what I am thinking. He is making sure he still has your attention. He wants something with OW but he likes knowing you are there, almost like a security blanket.
Could be exactly right 2Step. OW, though, is NOT stable. I mean not at all. That's why I am riding this out because she's had 2 fiancees dump her because of her attitude. People at work can't stand her. While I freak out on here, I'm pretty much the poster child for stability at the moment in our home. I have altered my routine from the married days, but have really kept to a routine. My moods at home don't rise and fall with his. This was an important thing that you folks taught me. No matter how I'm feeling, just keep smiling.
I'm just kind of betting against it lasting much longer. H spent a lot of time trying to get home a day early this past weekend. Made me wonder.
Now even if they don't last, it doesn't mean there's any chance for M. That I understand. It's just one less obstacle. What I won't do, though, is put up with his back and forth. That's why I have not much responded to him and his gestures yet. I will not live like that. I will continue to show him unconditional love. Meaning if he needs something, I will help him. I will not treat him badly because he treated me badly. (Even if every fiber of my being some days does want to treat him badly )
Nothing from Virginia yet. I think she's away at a conference, though.
One of the biggest things I have learned is the take care of self motto. We are all here because we want to save our M but I don't believe in the process of saving our marriage we should have to lose who we are. What I mean, is the boundaries that are discussed make more and more sense. I think sometimes we hesitate to set boundaries so that we don't damage an already fragile situation, but at what cost?
I love my W as all of you know and would love to save my M but there are certain lines I would not cross because by doing so I will jeopardize my own integrity. Then I will end up resenting her, why I lost myself in the healing process in order to be with her.
I will accomplish my goal but I will remain true to my principles and morals and if I fail I can hold myself up with pride.
Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it's letting go.
The only boundary I feel I could set right now is to tell him to get out. As Sandi says, don't set a boundary that you are unwilling to enforce. And I'm not so sure I'm willing to enforce that.
Now, with that said, I am also unwilling to let him in my bed (although he's not said he wanted to come back). I am unwilling to be affectionate (he's tried that a couple of times). I am unwilling to sit in the living room hanging out with him as if everything is great. I need my own space and my own time and I've told him that. But the more I try to tell him that, the more he's knocking down my door. So there's not much else left other than to throw him out, I don't think. Please tell me if you don't see it that way because I'm so close to the situation maybe I've got it all wrong and there's some other boundary that I should be placing.
I thinnk you are doing a great job. Sometimes those on the outside can see clearly while those on the inside are clouded. None of us know how this will turn out we all pray for each other and try and give each other strengh but we learn through each other's mistakes and triumph.
You are in a tough spot because you are living in it day in and day out. This can also be a positive for you. He is pursuing but still holding to the OW. He is scared to make the move either way I wonder if he had the fear of losing you how would he react?
I understand. But when you open yourself up here, you need to be able to accept advice. That's why I came on here because I need advice. I don't have all the answers so I need to make sure I stay open to your suggestions and those of others. So if I got something wrong, PLEASE, PLEASE tell me.
Ok, so that's where I think we are at right now. He's at the point where he thinks he's about to lose me. I'm out a lot (mostly at the gym, but also doing other things). I'm on the phone a lot. I'm on the computer a lot (mostly with you guys). I never go out in the living room with him when I am home. I don't fawn over him. I don't take care of the things I used to for him. I don't answer half his calls. He knows that I am pulling away. We were friends (actually enemies and I was best friends with one his friends) when my first marriage ended. So he knows the signs and he's seeing some of them right now. I'm not drinking, but I did a lot then so that's the key part missing. But I think he knows I'm pulling away. Heck, my mother is furious with me because she thinks I'm pulling away. Did I mention that she has requested that they be friends on FB? My mom is selling me out Not really, but I think they are talking.
Hey Lost! I just got up with your posts today. It sounds to me like you are doing a fantastic job! H thinking that you are pulling away is exactly what you want right now, IMO. I didn't realize that you had set so many boundaries and that booting him was just your last idea. I think that you ought to continue what you are doing and give it more time.
Fact that he and OW have defriended on FB is also encouraging.
Great work!!!!!
BITS! Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
)