New and need help.

[Seminolewind]

Another person in a crisis. Oct. 21, 2010 my wife asked me to move out. It was the only feasible thing to do after I tried to fight her about it, I have family in the area and she has none. So I moved in with my cousin. We have been married for 17 years, two kids the house and all that jazz. I didn't know it at the time but I had some significant anger issues. I couldn't even listen to friends or family about the issues. I actually thought I was doing everything how I should. I decided after I got booted out that I would go see a Therapist. Well I guess I got a rude awakening. I am disappointed in myself for not recognizing it earlier. But I just want to become the best father and husband that I can. I now am much calmer and I don't fly off the handle or get mad over the small things. I know I don't want to break up my family. Now that I have read Divorce Busting I realize I have done almost everything wrong. I wrote her numerous e-mails telling her that she had to try and give me another chance. Pretty much a begging crying mess. Which none of has worked.

My wife and I were drinking pretty heavy together almost every night. Before this all happened. I actually thought that we were having a great time and getting along awesome. So I wasn't worried about my marriage. I look back now and see that we were destroying our marriage by living in a fog. The last time I drank we were separated and I was with her drinking. She told me that she has seen me improve but she didn't see us staying together. I being under the mind improving alcohol got angry and told her to move 900 miles away to be with her parents. Needless to say she called her father about 1:00 AM and asked if she could move home. I being upset at myself for getting mad at the situation, have talked her into staying and me just leaving her alone and all the space that she needs. I was upset because I pay all the bills at the house and she was living their rent free. She is still in the house I have stopped drinking and we speak to each other in a friendly manner. I told her that I was giving up on us ever getting back together and moving on with my life. She is now going to pay all of the utilities and I am going to make the house payment. I really wish I wouldn't have told her that I was moving on with my life. But I did so now I just need to see what happens. She told me last night that she knows I want to save the marriage she just doesn't see it happening. I said I am just going to live my life and be a great dad to my kids. She said she was going to give herself a year before she starts dating or anything like that. That is a good sign.

What I know that my wife doesn't like about me anymore.

1. She says she has no respect for me. I don't know how to get her to respect me again.

2. She doesn't like that I was mean to the kids when I had my anger issues. I have this one pretty much whipped. My youngest daughter 11 has hung out with me every day this week and we have had a great time. The oldest daughter 17 is still in a work in progress she is scared I will go back to the yelling and this all might be fake.

3. Trust. I have racked up credit card debt and not told her about it. I used to check her cell phone because I was paranoid she was getting ready to cheat.

I know me or my wife have never cheated on each other. The thing is I seen my mother cheat on my dad as a kid and I have fears that it might happen with my wife. I know she wouldn’t but I still have that little voice telling me it could happen.

In a nut shell that is my crappy situation.

[dbmod]

^bumping newbie to keep on first page for responses

[Seminolewind]

I tried to get my wife to give me a list of the hurtful things I have done to her last night. I thought I was ready to DB my rear off and I failed miserably. I fell into the defensive small man that I used to be. I just wish I could have handled this the way I invisioned.

Well she asked me to leave so atleast she was smart enough to stop it before we had a huge blow up.

I know I am supposed to baby step and validate, but last night I fell back into the old me. I don't like that guy.

I promise myself I will do better next time.

[Seminolewind]

Well i guess I wont get a next time now. This is an e-mail I recieved today from my wife.

This is the last I want to talk to you. I've repeatedly told you the same thing, and I don't want to talk to you any more.

You don't think for yourself.
Relying on our oldest daughter for her sympathy and understanding is uncalled for.
Crying to my father that I'm not trying, and telling him that you've changed and that I don't care - also uncalled for.
I don't have respect for you. I don't want to come home to you. I am to the point that your cousin spoke of also.
You're an emotional roller coaster every day.
You're manipulating.
You're selfish.
You're not a good husband, father, or friend.
You don't take care of things like you should.
You make fun of others for no reason.
You've held secrets, and lied.
I just don't like who you are.
You brag on yourself every day in some way.
Your insecurities have pushed you to being paranoid.
You're not understanding, sincere, or nice to live with.

I want you to leave me alone. There's no need to come over any more. We have phones and email. I'll let you know if I get a new number today. Don't even reply to this email.

Well now I am a total wreck. I should have stayed away and kept my mouth shut for a while. Now I think I have completely lost all hope.

[dbmod]

^bumping for responses

[WCW]

Ouch, you sound like a hurting unit. Sorry it hurts so much.

You asked your W and she gave you a list. Most of all she wants to be left alone. It's hard to do, but you have to leave her alone.

She needs time, a lot of time, if she will ever be able to remember the good times of her life with you.

Take this time to do some hard work on who you are, and who you used to be, and who you want to be.

[courageous wife]

Hi SW

Sorry to see that you are here but you have come to a great place for help! Weekends are kinda slow around here as everyone is out galing!

I've repeatedly told you the same thing,

Time for a 180...she is trying to tell you something and does not feel that you are listening.

Her email to you sounds like it was written in anger! She does not want to talk to you right now so it is a good time to go dark with your W...no calling, texting or emails! Let her contact you. When she does, let her do the talking...validate what she is saying... "I understand" "I am sorry you feel that way" are good phrases to use.

Do you agree with some of the things she said? If so, then those are the things you want to work on! Don't talk to the kids about your situation...they will feel torn and put them in an awkward position!

It is not too late...give her some time to cool off, give her space and work on you right now!

More people will be along to help...hang in there!

[zengypsy]

WOW SW. I can relate to the list of things your W posted in her email to you because my H has said almost the same things to me give or take 1 or 2. And boy do they sting. I'm sure you are disbelief that she feels this way. I know I was with my H; he never expressed his disdain for the marriage until he decided to up and leave.

I fully agree with CW. She has given some good advice about recognizing those things she said to you on the list and start working on them for yourself. It's all about you now and making the changes. Your W feels like you have made promises you can't keep, her trust has disapated for you. You have to leave her alone and let her work thru her stuff in her own way and time. If you contact her in anyway, it will pursuing and as you know from reading DB, HUGE mistake. Start with some 180's. Do things the opposite of what you have been doing. It will throw her off track because she's so used to seeing you one way and doing things a certain way. It's gonna be hard; trust me I know. I struggle every day at certain times of the day but with this fab forum that I lean on ALOT and the grace of God, I make it thru yet another day. You will too. Have you read Divorce Remedy as well as DB? If not, it mite be worth an extended read.

We're here for you.

Peace - ZG

[Seminolewind]

Thanks everyone. I am about half way through DR. I did not contact her at all this weekend. But she did text me and call me about an electrical issue in the house. I told her how to fix it and that was the end of conversation.

I am pitch black dark for now. I have thought about all the items on the list, and so far I have tried to do something completely opposite of what I normally would have. Will this work? I don't know, but I have nothing but time on my hands.

She was supposed to give me a pre agreed amount of money for the bills, well she shorted me about $150.00. How should I tell her that she needs to step up and take care of her responsibilities?

[Seminolewind]

I had the kids come over and hang out on Monday. I brought the kids home around 9:00 my wife had texted me asking how to shut the water heater off because it was leaking she said she would give me a lunch to show her. Well I got a new phone and I dont always hear it, so I missed the text. My D17 called me and asked me to come back home to help mom with the water heater. I showed her how to shut it down and then I fixed the electrical issue from Sunday. I was nice and pleasant and then left with a very nice lunch.

I texted my wife and thanked her for the lunch and told her it was great. She texted me some other small nice things and was pleasant.

I will continue with being the dark guy. I think it might be helping.

I wish these posts would go thru faster! So I could get more input.