How do you handle other conflicts you have in life? with parents? siblings? co-workers etc?
It's all the same. I get scared when people get angry with me, because there was a lot of anger directed at me when i was little. So I don't like it, it freaks me out, I avoid it, I worry more about how the other person will respond to my request or assertiveness than how I'll feel or deal with it if my need doesn't get met. So when conflict starts, I bail. I have stretches of time since I began counseling when I do assert myself and communicated my way through it successfully. But it's still the exception, not the rule.
But I guess I've been much too impatient with myself though. There's a step between being completely passive, and being able to assert yourself in the moment. And that step is just recognizing, after the conflict, what happened, what you could have said, and then revisiting it with the person afterwards and expressing myself. Once I learned that it took a lot of pressure off. It's ok to be where I am right now. I don't have to beat myself up if I'm not able to be assertive in the moment. It will happen as long as I'm doing the exercises I need to do to learn how.
Originally Posted By: Harrier
The thing about family is that you know they will never leave you regardless of the conflict.
Well... some do some don't. At it's worst in my family, my mom told me she didn't want to see me for a while because she felt it wasn't healthy for HER to be around ME. I was 18 at the time. And she was full of sh*t. My therapist is working to help me wrap my brain around the fact that she was abusive to me.
Originally Posted By: Harrier
My family grew up with conflict. So for me I don't really think about it
I apologize if I'm being impertinent, but you know, I think that although you don't think about, from your posts it sounds like you've been influenced by it a lot. I think that's why, although you're feeling so hurt and angry by some of the things your wife is doing, you're not letting her know and asking for the treatment and behavior you'd prefer (eg, going for lunches). Thoughts? I'm a pretty analytical person, so if I'm off base feel free to say!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
