Hello ALL! I want to thank all of you for being my inspiration and giving me strengh. Your advice and guidance have been my life savers.
So here it goes.
Last night on her way home from the restaurant W called. I was not expecting it but I was very polite and answered with a smile. I asked her how dinner was and she said it was good. Basically small talk at first. We talked about jobs and friend for about 45 minutes when I heard the car pull into the drive way I said "well I guess your home and you have to work tomorrow so I will let you go. I'm glad you had a good dinner and I hope you have a great night." W "you don't have to go. you can stay and talk awhile, unless you want to go to sleep I know it's late there" I was like.....SLEEP? Are you kidding me. Hell no I want to talk. I didn't say that of course I just said "ok"
Then the conversation began to change from the small talk to the M/R talk. It began with little steps I said in a joking way "My cross is I have to live with your everyday lol"
W "how's that?"
"D mimics your behavior all the time. Tell you the truth it's kind of annoying." She laughed and then the convo started to get deeper.
W "you know H I never understood why you always found fault with the way I treated D. I wanted her to wash her hands, have good manners, practice her piano, practice her guitar be respectful. Was that mean?"
M "I think you are a great mother. I have to tell you the problem was not you. It was my overprotection but it wasn't you."
W "I know it wasn't. I've done a lot of thinking also and I realize I've made many mistakes. Once we use to talk about things and communicate. We lost that. And when we did everything went with it."
M "I agree. Our ability to talk was the foundation of our M and we let that slip away. I began to shut down and move away. You tried and tried and the more you try the more I shut down. I have gone to school on our M"
I am not going to go over the entire 5 1/2 convo but I will hit some main points.
W "your mother controlled a lot of things in that house and you stopped listening to me and started listnening to her. The sad part was I knew it but you didn't. If I would of stayed you never would of seen anything. I had to go. And it wasn't just that we became angry with each other. I know you stopped hearing me which caused me to scream louder which cause you to hear me even less. We were just in this vicious circle and somebody had to break it."
M "I think you are absolutely right. I would like to believe that you leaving actually saved our M. The relationship had become unbalanced and I can't imagine that being very comfortable for you. It’s not so much that you left, it is that I have hurt you."
W "I know you are hurting. I will share something with you I probably shouldn't. I don't sleep good and I don't eat good. I am depressed and I am angry. Because I can look back and see turning points and I wish I could fix it or could of."
M "Well I understand how you feel that way and since we are on the subject of revealing secrets to each other that we will regret later I also don't sleep well."
The conversation was very soft but very deep. At several points i would say
M "One day when we are laying in bed talking about this chapter in our lives I will show you some of the stuff that helped me get through it"
W "one day huh? Maybe"
I also told her "I am decided to stop checking the phone to see if you have called. I have decided that I can't be a part of your suffering anymore. I must own my mistakes but not be condemed by them. I realize a lot and I went through a long process to get here but right now I am at peace. I stopped feeling like the victim and realized that I controlled my own emotions. That is why I am not angry with you. I chose not to be. That is why I still trust you. Because I chose to.That is why even as I mail you back D papers I stand for us. I'll know when it's time to move on. I'll know when I won't stand anymore but right now.....this story hasn't ended yet"
To bring this story to a close I will say this. She said she would meet my DB coach. The conversation just kind of gravitated that way. She doesn't know about the DB stuff she just thinks it is a counselor. I did tell her that it was a counselor who specialized in very very fragile marriages. And my intention was not to convince her to do anything, it was basically a way for her to vent and she might feel better after letting all her feelings out.
W " I would talk to her but I gotta tell you I am skeptical that someone can fix my life in one hour"
M "LOL not meant to fix your life or fix our M. Just a way for you to vent and if only for one hour you might feel better getting things off your chest."
She agreed. Longest phone conversation I have ever been on. IN MY LIFE
