Sorry to hear you are back here...my husband moved to Harker Heights Tx all the way from Ga. of course with her.....this is where my husband grew up as a teenager did lots of things most teenagers do..maybe this is why he chose this place.... He has filed for a Div. set for April...another day of heart ache for me ....but at least it will only be that one day...I hope.....my love to your daughter M.....will uplift you in prayer tonight on my prayer list.....Irma
Irma I a so sorry to hear this. Hand in there, my friend. Your know Harker Heights is just up the road from me! You want me to rev up the bus and make a visit??? LOL Y
H came home like nothing is wrong. He ate dinner and now is watching the news! MLC Journey is right!
Step back and give him room, but do NOT allow him to run over you; you've been through too much to back off this time.
He will test you hard to see once again if you are going to back away or stand your ground.
If he doesn't; that would be a blessing; but unfortunately; they CAN push; and you have to push back.
In my own case; my husband exited the tunnel in late 2002; was in full processing by the time I left the board completely in early 2003.
Unbeknown to me at that time; I was already in transition; dealing with Menopause as a "forerunner". The emotional crisis came later. I spent a good six years in the transition.
In October of 2004, nearly 2 years; I saw what looked like a "going back"; and instead of trying to talk to me about it; he changed his behavior, distancing himself from me; testing my boundaries at that time..it was a total "180" from what he had been before this happened.
I was suffering from the hot flashes and mood swings; and although, I came down on him for trying to disrespect me; and was leaving the room like before; letting him know that he was NOT going to treat me like this...this time, nothing seemed to be working.
I went very deep into the tunnel myself; not a crisis, but a transition; and I gained a great deal of understanding concerning what he'd gone through; but I had many issues to examine within myself....and so things were, more or less, let go for a time....I didn't have the energy to deal with him and me, too.
Three times, I was brought into clarity; long enough to set down much firmer boundaries on my husband; he had an EA, I broke that up in a hurry, was being very rebellious; I came down on him constantly, and at one point, he was refusing to pay his share of the household bills; and I had to stay on him; forcing him to give me his share.
I knew, deep within my mind that he wasn't going anywhere...and somehow once again, I made up my mind that I was NOT going to be the one who broke down the marriage; HE would have to make the steps; but if he couldn't act like a husband should; I would make sure I'd make his life miserable....and I DID..I was NOT a very nice person going through "The Change of Life".
In 2007, I was diagnosed with a huge stone in my gallbladder; and he did see me through the surgery; he didn't know until later, that I had nearly died...they gave me too much anesthetic; and they spent a LONG time trying to wake me..the nurse who was working with me; told me this...and I didn't say anything to my husband until later.
You would have thought this might have made a difference, but it didn't.
After I got on my feet good; he started right back; and I started after him again..the best I can remember.
I went on; and exited my transition in early 2008; staying within the settling down process until early 2009....I was feeling stronger; better; and had faced all of my issues and aspects of those issues...ready to take on the world.
It wasn't long until I fully realized for the first time since I'd come out, that things were not as I had left them...I dimly remembered what he had done in 2004; and the other memories were dim, as well; I didn't really remember this board; but I did remember he had gone through a MLC; and my lessons were still remembered.
Everything was just "gone" or "dim"; I don't know how else to explain that.
I know what happened; I went through the "forgetting" process that happens when exiting a transition/MLC.
Anyway, I was struggling hard not to just leave him in the dirt...and the Lord was counseling me..I was angry; miserable; and knew this was NOT the end, I'd foreseen ahead so long ago.
Things began to get worse; I followed every instruction the Lord gave me in regards to my husband..only THIS time; NOTHING was working at all; and I was at the end of my rope; at a loss for words.
In late November; I sat down; and prayed, asking for the Lord to do one of two things; either change him or move him out of my life....I had followed everything I had been instructed to do..and nothing was changing...my husband was in total, full, rebellion.
A few weeks later; the Lord showed me that something would happen in three months to bring my husband down..his arrogance had gone off the scale..I was further instructed to make sure plenty of money was in the bank; as it was going to fall on me to pay the bills....
In early February of 2010; the Lord dealt with me to go back to the place of origin for me; which was here; and ask a question..and I asked the WRONG question, LOL..but the answer was here, nontheless; and I had hard time realizing the answer was true...
Two days after I "came back" my husband fell and broke his ankle in three places, had surgery; son had to go get him from Indiana; bring him home, and care for him as long as he was unable to do for himself.
The problem that had sent him into this alternate type tunnel so long ago; was his parent's divorce when he was 7 years old....I had to process this, because I did NOT know that he had set aside this issue, trying NOT to face it when he exited the tunnel in late 2002.
So, basically, he came out with an emotional "block" that came back on him nearly two years later; send him into a spiral; once again he'd turned on me; AND our son.
So, the child I was seeing in his eyes was this seven year old, who was a smart alleck; and at one point the Lord showed me that the child was in the "driver's seat" and the man was hiding; as he didn't know what to do..it was still a "running" he was doing.
He got pretty bad just after he went down; my son said that he didn't want to be "alone"; and he was trying to control and manipulate son...even to the point of calling me and "tattling" on him.
When I threatened to get the family together, he would back off..he KNEW he was wrong for what he was dong..yet the "child" within had full control of him.
Unfortunately; I was viewed as "mother"; I never meant for that to happen, but it did..and he saw son as his "Big Brother"; and was resentful of the relationship son and I had; as it was and still is, a close one.
Anyhow, within three months of breaking his ankle; my husband picked up where he left off in his processing so long ago..since he had already processed everything else; this final issue was all he had left.
By August 2010; I was seeing some pretty steady changes in him; and son was, too. He was in the process of "becoming" what he was meant to be.
The child was put behind him; and he was "becoming" a man once again.
By December of that same year, he was really on his way; I was starting to see the man he had been becoming so long ago.
The Lord was keeping me posted on his progress; as it happened, so I knew every "dip" and "turn" he was taking.
Finally, last week, he suddenly withdrew from me AND son completely...and I noticed it.
The Lord showed me he was at the end of all of this, and the final processing was being completed...I was expecting him to go a few more months, but that shows you what I know.
Anyway, it was odd, day before yesterday; he suddenly broke his self imposed silence; and called me...and I sensed the change right away; he's OUT, FINISHED, and ALL issues and aspects have been faced and settled with him.
This is what NEEDS to happen for MLC to resolve within a MLC'er; ALL ISSUES, ALL ASPECTS of those issues; MUST be faced; and settled within themselves...or it will catch up with them later..you can run, but you cannot hide from the transition, nor can you hide from the MLC.
I never KNEW this was coming; I wasn't ever told so long ago, that this was a possibility...and so, I was very confused; when I figured it all out.
There were things I learned that I wouldn't have if I'd gone on and divorced him; and I was reminded of my VOWS; for better OR for worse.
If I hadn't gone forward with him; I would not have been able to help someone else in that respect.
But that is NOT why I kept going with him; I LOVED him, STILL love him; and I always will. I don't want anyone else; he is and always will be, my one true love.
This journey was worth everything I went through; as I see, in hindsight, the blessings of the Lord within the trial, that BOTH of us, not just one of us, went through.
God ALWAYS knew what was ahead; yet, He STILL walked with me on this path; even as things changed..and I'm thankful that His Hand was always on me; and my family.
And me? Well, my memories of his MLC; (but, not necessarily the ones of my transition, which are STILL broken in pieces; quite dim,) have been restored since March of last year..and I've learned other aspects of this trial since then.
I don't know what God has in mind for me; but it's always good; whatever it is; and I'm obedient to His Will in all things.
Ask all the questions you want; I know this is "short form" but the story is quite long; and my part has somewhat been minimized...but I set firm BOUNDARIES on him the WHOLE time; not always leaving him alone..there were times when God sent me right into the battle to fight him; and some of the things he was doing.
I was at a point where I didn't care if he left or stayed; but if he were going to stay he WOULD learn to respect me; or I would stay after him...and I did stay on him; backing him OFF many times...I DIDN'T do this; and I wasn't going to stay down and quiet when he did what he wanted to...I just was NOT.
My love for him during that time was VERY tough; and I was dealing with a child; not a man; but didn't know that until much later.
Maybe this will help, I hope it does.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Did your H move out again? My H said he would be moving back to the prison barracks if they had an opening and I am alright with that. I want him to have some space.
I have set bounderies and will not let him disrespect me for any reason.
I was talking to my H's uncle last week before all this started. Mind you I have never met him. He was talking about my H's mom and dad. My H's dad, I have never met either because my H doesn't want to have anything to do with him. His parents were D when he was 12. His dad treated his mother really badly and my H blames him for this. When H came home 4 years ago he saw alot of his dad in himself with what he did to me and the family.
Anyway, his mother did the best she could raising 4 boys by herself. H's uncle said that the boys were never taught to love and I think this is so sad because I come from a very close family.
When H's mother died is when he went straight forward into MLC.
I have learned alot from the first time going through this. I havent even cried today! Yippee! I have been keeping myself busy with my D and GD and messing around the house. Haven't talked too much to H today but I will leave that to him.
I know it is in God's hands and I will continue to pray that all comes out okay for my H.
Did your H move out again? My H said he would be moving back to the prison barracks if they had an opening and I am alright with that. I want him to have some space.
No, he never did move out of the house or even the bedroom; but he did get his space both times, as he is a truck driver; and I'm now a truck driver, too.
Not all of the six years was bad; but most of it was.
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Anyway, his mother did the best she could raising 4 boys by herself. H's uncle said that the boys were never taught to love and I think this is so sad because I come from a very close family.
When H's mother died is when he went straight forward into MLC.
You know what love is; and he doesn't right now...our situation was much the same.
That same love you hold for him; will, in time, bring him back to you; you are the rock in his life that he never had; and a consistency, that he's never understood; but he will; as you continue to stand firm for the marriage; and hold your husband up in prayer.
When my husband's mother died in 1996; I got a "preview" into the later crisis; because he treated me like crap for 6 months after her death...he came "out" of that; I came out; but neither one of us had learned anything...and so 3 years later the big one came along.
Even if your husband doesn't move out; distance lovingly from him; he is very troubled; and children of divorce usually are...some never get over what happened; and they take it very personally; internalizing it, just as my husband did.
The difference between your husband and husband; was that my husband's mother didn't want to be a mother; and he was dumped on his sister to raise; she was 18 years older than him.
He never thought he "belonged" anywhere; and until he met and married me; his life was never stable; shifted from sister to mother, to father; and back again.
He disconnected from his sister for the duration of the crisis; reconnected; then during the extended time, disconnected again...then has reconnected since the three months after he broke his ankle.
He now sees his family quite often; and he loves them very much.
As this goes on, you will find a strength you never thought you had; and God will help you to understand more about your husband.
Get on with your life once again; knowing it is all in the Lord's hands...and hey, just so you know, you didn't fail..you did all you were supposed to do; but his movement and actions were out of your control.
You are in my thoughts and prayers....keep us posted; and enjoy your Granddaughter!
Take care.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
That is why this time it is so different. Last time he couldn't wait to get out of the house. He still sleeps in our bed. Wakes me up in the morning before he leaves. He is distant but I am giving him space. He isn't being mean, and is acting like nothing is wrong for the most part.
Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. It's in Gods hands!
YR, Give him as much space as you can. Does he has a special place in your home that he would consider his "man cave"? If he does, do not be surprised that this is where he will be when he is "thinking".
While he is "thinking", do something extra special for yourself.
It's not you...he's the one still healing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
