Kemper, I really think this will get better for you at Retrouvaille. The transformation that happens over the course of the weekend is remarkable. I don't really know what it is about the process they have you go through that breaks down the barriers, but I know it works. Not everyone succeeds just over the weekend, some need the Post sessions, too, to get all the way to a truly mutually supportive relationship. Of course, everyone's problems are different. Yours and Harrier's, for example. You don't have a sexual problem; you have an appreciation problem. He has a sexual problem, and maybe an appreciation problem too.
I know when we arrived at Retrouvaille for our weekend, my H and I thought we wanted to reconcile "if it was possible" (which meant if it wasn't too difficult), but we were not on the same page at all. After we took our suitcases up to the room and were about to go downstairs for the first listening session, he said to me, with determination in his voice, "I'm going to be in a relationship where I am appreciated!". And I just looked at him. Because I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to appreciate about him. So I didn't know if that would happen. I had so many things that I resented about him. How could I appreciate him when I only felt resentment? I didn't say anything. I just walked through the door and down to the meeting room. That was Friday night.
Saturday morning we started the program in earnest. We wrote letters to each other and talked about our feelings about the past. We talked a lot. At first we were adversaries. But as the day went on, we weren't adversaries anymore. We were negotiating. We were learning what the other person cared deeply about and we were willing to give each other that. It wasn't everything, but it was a good start. By Saturday afternoon break, I noticed a lot of the couples were walking arm in arm or holding hands. I couldn't believe it! We had all been so cold and distant just that morning!
I remember after dinner there was about an hour til the next meeting, and we were feeling good about ourselves. My H and I went to the room for a quickie. They rang the bell for the next session and we were the last ones in our chairs. I remember the worried look on one of the presenting couples' faces. They were worried that maybe we weren't getting along. Hah!
We came home Sunday night as changed people. I was nice to him; he was nice to me. Appreciating him was not so hard. And he started to appreciate me too. Instead of refusing to eat the food I cooked, he ate it, and even complimented it. He's probably put on 30 pounds since we were at Retrouvaille 3 years ago. And I just smile, because those are 30 love pounds.
You only have 4 more weeks til your weekend. My advice is - don't push it. You are not going to be able to fix this by yourselves, and you don't have to. Just keep limping along, like you have been doing, and do the weekend. They will help you there. So how long? I'd say one to two more months.
