You are frustrated, angry, scared. Lots of emotions in you. You seem to react to everything your husband does. I did the same thing too. I may still do it now as well. This is why it is important that you learn to shift your attention towards yourself.
You are doing good with your GAL. Keep it up. Like one good man said on this board, it's all "wasted energy" if it's not focused on bettering yourself. Stay busy taking care of yourself. Try as much as you can to not focus on your H's comings and goings. If you work at it, it will lessen your frustrations. You'll be less depressed.
You can do it, Lost.
Joel
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
2Step, I want him out. But I am so afraid that I want him out right now and I'd regret it if I told him that. But right now, I want him out.
Hi Lost. Sorry that you are having a rough time. You want my opinion? If no, stop reading now.
Others may disagree with this, but maybe you should ask him to leave the home. You are being totally disrespected. Worse, you are allowing it to happen. I say this as kindly as I can, but if you allow yourself to be disrespected, how on earth would he ever regain that respect? You have to stand up for yourself. Telling him to leave the home does not necessarily mean D... it just means physical S. I believe that in some cases, this can help the sitch. I really do believe that it is helping mine.
Bottom line, you have to stand up for yourself. Stop letting yourself feel humiliated. [edited by dbmod to add comment--this advice can be dangerous, will explain further in a later post] BITS Denver
P.S. I'm really glad that you liked my post tonight!! I have been runnin on adrenaline for about 24 hours!
Last edited by dbmod; 01/27/1103:55 AM.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
You are so right. I'm all over the place with my emotions. You have learned patience with others and yourself. I think that is why I was so attracted to your thread and story. Me? Well, like I said before, I'm looking for an escape. I'm type-A all the way and this limbo thing, ugh... it just screws me up. I'd love to tell you that you just don't understand, but you do. And I do need to get a grip.
Although, I wouldn't worry about his comings and goings so much if he wasn't in my face every 2 minutes. I think that's why I'm cracking right now. For 3 months, he couldn't care less if I was dead or alive. Suddenly he's in my face every two minutes. As suspected the MINUTE he walked in the door, he had something to say about my comments this morning. I diffused well enough, but I knew it was coming. He's in my office constantly. He's in my room constantly. He accused me tonight of purposely not eating what he cooks to prove a point? Huh? What point? I don't eat because I'm basically sick after my workouts every night. I told him that. He seemed to understand. But the point is, for a guy who's committed to leaving me and getting a divorce, why does he have to be in my face constantly? And I know the answer before anyone says it because maybe he's not committed to that decision. Ugh... here I go again...
I know the answer before anyone says it because maybe he's not committed to that decision. Ugh... here I go again...
I think that you should make him commit. He needs a wake up call Lost. JMO
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Lost, Sorry to see you struggling. I hate to a BITS in trouble again. OK, I know I could be hung for saying this, but do you think that some time apart might help? I am not pushing you in any way. I am just asking because it does sound like he is really starting to get on your nerves. And that is not good. Is there a chance you could take a vacation right now or go away by yourself for a period? I know that he was just away on a trip, but you stayed home in the negative environment. It might now be your turn to take a trip and "get some fresh air." I am very sorry that you are so upset. I honestly don't think I could ever work in the same building with my W even when thinking back to the best of times. Couples need to have some time apart each day to miss each other and you definitely have a tough sitch there.
I also find it quite disrespectful that he is carrying on that way at work with OW. Frankly, if it wasn't completely against the rules of DB'ing, I would suggest that you get some payback for that behavior. But, we both know that won't do any good, so don't do it. None the less, the pictures on FB is really out of line and you might not be out of line to ask him, out of respect for your marriage, to think twice about that action. Just a thought. I don't want you to pick a fight, but that is really not cool. Just my two cents.
As for his constant hanging around, that sounds like indecision. Just today my MC and I were talking about this kind of behavior. He told me that in the mind of a WAS, they reach a point where they don't want to be married, but they also don't want to be divorced. They just sit there in Purgatory and drag us in with them. Don't follow him. Start to take some control back. Carefully and politely, start to take some control back.
Keep us updated.
BITS never walk alone.
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
I am with FOBD on this. In my case she is gone so I have to DB my A$$ off. In your case you have indecision. Well what's wrong with taking some action here of your life and decisions.
At this point I think of quote I read once "the one who loves the least is the one who controls the relationship" I say take back some control in a loving way.
To get up each morning with the resolve to be happy... is to set our own conditions to the events of each day. To do this is to condition circumstances instead of being conditioned by them.
I can see where you are getting some advice to be tough, folks don't want you to be able to dig out of the situation you are in. I'd like to see you get some professional advice, preferably from a DB coach, but I don't know if it's an option for you.
Kicking him out could really backfire, but I like FOBD's advice to get some space, as in a vacation, a chance to go dark and to center.
Just reading the updated stuff on your sitch LIS. Hugs to you. Sounds like H has had his brains sucked out and replaced with a lump of coal. Wish I could give you some great wonderful advice, but heck, my H sounds pretty much the same. he doesn't have OW yet...but it is coming.
Semms like your H needs his ego stroked. Taking OW to old town, bars ect...What I don't understand is how he can go out with OW and still come home to you? i would not be the one humiliated. He should be. How can he hold his head up???? He is still M for goodness sakes.
Anyways, I don't know what to recommend for you. You really need to decide what you want. I think it was on one the comments on your thread that said "the one who loves the least controls the relationship"
Time to ACT AS IF you are the one that loves the least and get some control back...
More hugs for you!!!
Me:35, 2 kids from PR H: 37, 2 kids with me T: 15 years M: 8 years in Feb. Second walk out: 14-01-2011 H had PA: 2007
See, going dark, getting away, detaching, it's what is inspiring him right now to act like an indecisive jerk. It was only a week and a half ago that he told me he was leaving. So I did what the book told me to do. I told him that I thought it was a good idea. Well, he's been backpedaling ever since. That's when the pursuit started. I really was calming down a lot until the pursuit started.
I do what all of you are telling me to do. I've carved out my own space in the house and I stay there. I GAL and I am finding my own life. Well, he's reacting. Thing that is making me crazy is that I don't know what it means. And yes, he's annoying me.
I am trying to book a trip back home. Been online everyday trying to find reasonable tickets. So that is a great idea.
Dbmod, I signed up for a DB coach 2 weeks ago. No one has contacted me yet. I have written a couple of e-mails to corporate with the receipt but have heard nothing. Hopefully I'll get to talk to someone because I think that will calm me down. I have completely stopped talking to anyone who has any interaction with my H whatsoever. He's asking questions of them and I don't want someone else expressing my feelings. So, let's just say my circle of friends has gotten very very small.
Oh and the FB thing... well, that got interesting too. The OW and my H have de-friended one another. The pictures are gone. They are still talking, that I know, but no idea what is going on. Suddenly, he's been off the computer at night also. Not sure if this is for show or what.
Oh and Wanda, yes, my H's ego is HUGE. That's probably what started a lot of this. I didn't stroke it and he doesn't do well when folks aren't fawning all over him.
Thank you all so much for spending time with me on this. It really feels like you all get it. I really feel cared about when I show up here and that means the world to me.
That's all for now... 10 hours until my next workout.
