Albuquerque living part 2: Road to recovery?

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

H drove back from his trip with the guys last night. He texted me periodically throughout the day. He arrived at a nearby town about 1 1/2 away where he had to drop his friends off since they were flying out from there. Because of bad weather, he opted to have dinner with them. At about 930pm, he texted me to tell me that he'd just stay there the night due to the weather. The weather WAS bad at times. Really bad. But it still annoyed me since it wasn't that bad anymore and seemed like an excuse. Then about 30 minutes later, he called me and told me that he'd changed his plans. His friends were starting up another night of drinking and he just didn't want to do that again. He said "since I'll be getting home really late I'll just crash at my place". I said OK. But it pissed me off. Not because he needs his time away. Not because he changed his plans of originally coming here like originally stated. But because he was not honest about why he was doing so. He gives me the ridiculous excuse of doing it because it'll be late. Once again though, I was thankful that I hadn't told D he would be coming to the house. So she wasn't disappointed in any way.

This morning, he asked me to lunch. I decided to say yes. I had a pole dance class and then did some errands and laundry. He showed up unannounced to the house around 1130. I wasn't remotely ready. The meeting was very subdued and he just gave me a hug. His "wall" is still up. I told him "you're quite early". He responded by saying that he knew that if he didn't show up early enough, I'd just eat without him. I found that kind of funny since it's true. I've stopped waiting around for him because he tends to be late/cancels. So I set a cut-off time (for myself) and if he doesn't show up, I DO just go ahead and eat. I don't even call or text him to find out what happened. Part of my new independence. So I found it funny that that hasn't gone unnoticed.

Anyhow, as I zoomed around getting ready it struck me as odd that I found his presence to be intrusive. I should be glad he was here and yet I wasn't. But I think some of that is because he's NOT really here. He's got that damn wall up and I'm just getting bits and pieces of him.

Lunch was OK but conversation didn't flow that well. I wasn't feeling to up to talking. Especially since as I was getting my shoes on, he asked me if I had ever gotten my order of my new boots. That question stung. I paused and I think chuckled softly in an annoyed way and just said "yeah". He asked "and?". I responded, "I wore them at the conference". He seemed surprised but tried to say he didn't know because I have so many sexy boots (not true). So clearly, he wasn't paying any attention to me.


During lunch, we briefly discussed his brother and that he might be moving because of a woman he met recently. I remarked that it seemed odd that he would move to follow her having only known her a short time. I also remarked that she must not have felt as strongly or else wouldn't have moved. At that point, H likened it to me moving several states away for an internship. I responded sharply that it was not the same at all since that decision was made as a family (he said yes at the time although I found out much later he really didn't want to move). He said he knew and he was joking. I didn't find it funny. Clearly, there is still a lot to be addressed.

After lunch he went back to his place to work. He stated plans to come back over to see D and get the run down on our Vegas vacation. We will also be going out to dinner. I have no idea what his plans are after that. At this point, I have no expectations. I would be truly shocked if he chose to spend the night.

Eric once said that from his observation, he felt that piecing was much harder than dealing with the bomb and post-bomb issues. I think he's absolutely right. I need to focus on me, but at the same time, I have a H who states he wants to be part of my life again. So in order to live my life with H, I have to take him into consideration. But he's totally unreliable right now. So it's very very difficult. One day at at time.....