Lighthouse lit until WAW comes out of fog 2

[angel61]

Habit, Thanks for asking the blunt question. I also have difficulty there. I feel that there are many conflicting statements, ways to do it and so I end up totally confused.

Given a situation like ours: where spouses live together, one spouse wants a D, there are kids, there is no marital relationship, these are the conflicting advice I am getting:

1. Boundaries - some say need to set to keep self respect vs. not ready to set boundaries - some say do not set if not ready
2. Giving space, validating, agreeing (thus losing spouse' respect or being labeled a doormat or allowing spouse to eat cake ) vs. tough love (not putting up with cr*p behavious as Coach says, maybe pushing the D or S to happen, being conditional when saying choose between OM/OW/D and family, pushing spouse to leave because of having to make a choice, resulting in less time to work on DB, have feedback that DB is harder after legal S or D)
3. GAL, acting as if, being upbeat vs. going dark/dim - how can you show being upbeat if you are avoiding contact (like going to another room, separating, etc.)
4. Letting go - I get it when it means emotionally, but again, we are just human and being in the same house as your errant spouse, it is impossible not to feel anything at all!

The statement "she treats me like nothing is wrong". That actually means that she is not bringing up whats wrong, but we all know what is wrong. She is probably DBing you as well - R talk results in pain -she is also not wanting to talk about the situation - maybe she is afraid that you can make her change her mind as well? That you will make her see reason? I feel that sometimes about my H.

"She walk all over me" - no sex life, no respect - what could be done about that? I have the same dilemma. We can't force them to, right? In DB, we knowthat, and we can only try to change so we will gain respect. But is it not only right that if our spouses did not want sex we just respect that too? But if they act disrespectfully I think we have to ask for respect. I have called my husband on that, told him that at least I expect respect as a human being, if nothing else, or else he walks out the door. And he did acknowledge that, and changed.