Big talk tonight. I am a wreck, need support.

[hope2011]

Not much to report this week. Steady progress, H is still pleasant, the boys are here for the week (we have them every other full week). Last night I backslid a bit. I went to go get groceries, got home in the rain and had my arms full and tapped on the door with my foot to get one of them to let me in and not one of the 3 opened the door. They were in the same room as the door. By the time I got my key out, I was livid. H was on the phone for work, the boys were wrestling. I snapped and said "if none of you can be bothered to open the door for me than I am not going to bother cooking dinner for you". Ok, so PMS didn't help. In the past, H would get defensive and we'd fight/sulk all night. But instead H defused the situation! Holy cow, that was a first! He calmly said he was really sorry but couldn't get off the phone call, he told the boys to go to their room since they couldn't behave (wrestling in the house, while he's on the phone no less) and made them go clean. And then he helped me with dinner. PROGRESS!!!! On both sides!

Some not so good progress too though. He has a 5 day trip next week. 5 days. 2 of driving, 3 of meetings. He asked me if I want to go and I said "yes" then he immediately changed his mind. Claims because of the dog (we have no one to dog sit). I say, we're driving, she's tiny, we take her with us, I watch her there. He says no. I say ok, let's put her in a kennel for a few days, he says no. Now I am stressing about it. 5 days. Trust is a big issue still. Him now not wanting me to go... why? Why even ask me? Radar up and I'm scared. I hacked his computer, found nothing. Haven't been able to check his phone and he's been txting/e-mailing non-stop this week. Could be for work but of course now my suspicions are up.

And we've ML every day this week... completely out of the norm. Not complaining but he's the exact opposite of the norm for us so that's got my radar up too.

And he still hasn't kissed me.

I did get an "I love you" first yesterday as he was rolling over to sleep.

I don't trust him and I don't trust my intuition anymore. I'm having a really hard time with this. I don't want to live the next 50 years of my life like this.