I have done everything wrong....

[islander]

I was wondering if anybody has read "Hope For The Separated" by Chapman, the author of 5LL. I was going to by 5LL but felt that it would not be beneficial to me at this point in my sitch. That is when I saw he wrote the other book too, but I could not find a store that had it. Just wanted to know if anybody had read it and their thoughts on it.

[islander]

W just called. I guess will call in a min means around 2 hours. Maybe this will be my baseline to start judging how well I am doing. Idk. I tried to sound content, and I think I did. I made a suggestion that we maintain a single checking account to make it easier to pay all of our bills, including her new apt. She said that sounded alright. I will take that as a good sign. I honestly thought she would have shot it down before I could finish my sentence. It is the only way I know to make sure all the bills will get paid. I could just imagine us having separate accounts and trying to get some of my bills paid. Seems like it would be a nightmare and possibly create more stress for us. I hope she doesn't change her mind. She did not hesitate when she answered. I will take what I can get, and again, I think this is positive. Any thoughts.

[islander]

Quick update:

When W called the first time we had just finished discussing everything when she got a phone call and said she would call me back. (there was no reason for her to call back). A few minutes later she called. I made sure that I sounded in good spirits. Talked to her about our saltwater aquarium, our dog and what she has been doing. W talked about stopping by our house and getting something small, then going for a run before work. I acknowledged her statements. Then I politely and in good spirits ended the conversation, told her to let me know when she wanted to discuss bills this weekend, and to have a safe night at
work. She sounded a little surprised that I ended it first, atleast that's what I think. She told me to be safe too, and we hung up.

It was so hard for me to sound happy and to end the conversation. But as I was talking to her I thought about the alternative. W becomes disinterested in the conversation as I continue to talk and try to hang onto every word, and reaffirms her decision that she is not happy and wants a D.

I hope this is what actually happened and is not just what I believe took place. The power of uncertainty.

[Denver_2010]

Denver, I know I need to stop but I can't.

Yes, you can. You have to begin to focus. It will get easier (I didn't say easy). I promise.

I am constantly wondering how j got here and why I was slow to act when she initially reached out to me. I know the answer to that to...I thought I had more time. I made the mistake of not putting my relationship first. This seems so unfair, as now I see the light and will never make the same mistakes again, no matter who I am with.

This seems unreal to me also, like half of who I defined myself as just walked away from myself, and now I am supposed to detach like I did not need that part of me. This is so hard,

These are thoughts that everyone on this board has had or is having Islander. you are not alone. All any of us can do is do our best to look at it as an opportunity for personal growth... an opportunity to become better people, better S's.... with our current S or with another. I know that it's tough to look at that way, but again, it gets easier.

I read the 37 rules and they make sense, and I have already implemented some of them. W text me an hour ago to let me know our balance and said she was would call in a min. She always says she is going to call, then doesn't. I want to call her but I am not. I just replied "ok" about 20 min after W text me.

Follow those rules to a T for a while. Practice makes perfect. Next, wait 24 hours to text her back next time. Stop being so available to her. I'd actually suggest that you go completely dark for a while (if I haven't already). "Darkness" hurts, but it allows you to get yourself emotionally grounded and ready to Divorce Bust. It also allows your W an opportunity to calm down and, maybe, even miss you.

I just feel all the time that there is no hope for my sitch, but I know the truth is that I don't know what the future holds.

There is always hope Islander. Hang in there. TIME and PATIENCE can pay off.

It will get better man!!!

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

W just called. I guess will call in a min means around 2 hours. Maybe this will be my baseline to start judging how well I am doing. Idk. I tried to sound content, and I think I did. I made a suggestion that we maintain a single checking account to make it easier to pay all of our bills, including her new apt. She said that sounded alright. I will take that as a good sign. I honestly thought she would have shot it down before I could finish my sentence. It is the only way I know to make sure all the bills will get paid. I could just imagine us having separate accounts and trying to get some of my bills paid. Seems like it would be a nightmare and possibly create more stress for us. I hope she doesn't change her mind. She did not hesitate when she answered. I will take what I can get, and again, I think this is positive. Any thoughts.

I'm putting everyting in quotes bc it takes so friggin long for my posts to show up that you probably wouldn't know what the h*ll I was talking about if I didn't.

Anyway, my only thought is... stop being so available to her!! Ignore her call and wait 24 hours to call her back. Not trying to beat you up, trying to get you on board here.

BITS
Denver

[islander]

W called me twice today back go back. No message, no text. I did not answer or call her back. It has only been 4 hours and it feels so wrong. I feel worse. W probably doesn't feel anything right now. This s•cks. How did we get here, really?

[Denver_2010]

W called me twice today back go back. No message, no text. I did not answer or call her back. It has only been 4 hours and it feels so wrong. I feel worse. W probably doesn't feel anything right now. This s•cks. How did we get here, really?

Doesn't matter how we got here man. We're here. I do know that I was a bad H off and on for the better part of a year, so that's the best answer for myself. Anyway, I know that not calling her back feels wrong. It is the worst. But this is what your W needs right now. As long as she knows that you are going to be there to answer her whenever she calls or texts, she has NO reason to MISS YOU. You need to stay dark for a while and see what happens. Again, it really did help my sitch in the first few weeks.

BITS
Denver

[islander]

I met W at SD school play today. I acted as if everything was fine. We spoke like friends. No R talk at all. After the play we went to SD classroom for a few minutes. W parked car near mine (I Arrived first and saved her a seat). We walked out together, and as I got to my car first, I told her bye and that I would see her sunday (to discuss bills). I immediately got in my car and left. It seemed like she paused for a minute when I told her bye, like if you were going to give a hug or kiss. I know that was not any intention of hers, but that was the type of pause. I think I did alright. This is so hard on the soul.

[Denver_2010]

I met W at SD school play today. I acted as if everything was fine. We spoke like friends. No R talk at all. After the play we went to SD classroom for a few minutes. W parked car near mine (I Arrived first and saved her a seat). We walked out together, and as I got to my car first, I told her bye and that I would see her sunday (to discuss bills). I immediately got in my car and left. It seemed like she paused for a minute when I told her bye, like if you were going to give a hug or kiss. I know that was not any intention of hers, but that was the type of pause. I think I did alright. This is so hard on the soul.

Sounds like you did GREAT Islander!

Keep it up man.

BITS
Denver

[islander]

II thought I did alright but I don't think W really cares about me at all. She moved out last week, and I found out from MIL that she is actually living with OM. I dont know how to deal with that. W took her D form one household and I to another like there was nothing wrong with it. She is a smart person, comes from a good family, is a professional, and this is 100% out of character. I really don't know her at all anymore. The woman I married would never, and I mean never, do this. She would have said how wrong that was if she ever k ew of anybody doing that, and how much it would hurt and confuse the child.

I am going dark as much as I can. We still need to communicate bc of our bills and we share a checking account. I would take her back and work on our M in a second if she was committed to it, but I don't see admitting she was wrong, even if she realized it. A total waste of a M, to act as if it didn't even matter.

I don't know what to do anymore. I will continue to pray, go to church, and hope without any expectations.