Knowing that there is another man, doesn't change the way you need to approach things. If you change path, then I think you very quickly end up with a divorce. I could have said to my wife that she needs to get out and that the marriage is over.
Instead, I chose to continue to work on improving who I am and show her that we can rebuild what we once had. I cannot stop her from seeig or communicating with him, all that I can do is show her that I can be the man that she always wanted me to be.
Having a discussion around the R accomplishes nothing, as others here have said time and time again, it is only sustained actions that will convince her that a change has been made. Back in December post EA confrontation, my wife made alot of comments about the future that implied that we would be together. Early in January I pressured her for an update on where our R was at. Since then, there has been no comments from her about the future etc.
The R talk unless initiated by the wife, can only send you backwards.
I just wish I could read her mind, because I can see at times when she is telling me stuff that she is clearly not telling me everything.
So her trip at the end of February is booked, and I think because of my fears that she may have a EA/PA while away for a week without me or the kids she has decided to take D6 with her.
I just can't understand how they can be so cold. How she seems to have so little disregard for the R. At the same time anytime I talk about going out on my own (without giving her an explaination) its 20 questions! I don't know if it's because she hopes I've met someone else or she still cares and wants to make sure nothing is going on.
I'm still married, and I've never strayed (in any way) while I've been in any type of R. With my W, a total of 15 years I've been 100% faithful. I'm starting to get frustrated with the lack of intamacy, any sort of touching. Hugging, kisses, holding hands, cuddling and sex...I miss it all, and at this point it almost feels like it's all I really miss.
I guess eventually I'll get over it, but for now it's really tough. How can she do this too me!!
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
Scared I feel the same way. I think back at times my W would look at me for no reason and tell me how much she loved me if you saw her eyes you would think this woman is totally and madly in love with this guy. Now this......
I understand maybe we have made mistakes but has it really been that bad? There has to be some love left inside, if not why are we doing this
The lack of intimacy, touching and hugging etc is very difficult to deal with. My wife won't even sit on the same couch as me if I am already sitting down. Does she actually do this on purpose? Who knows what is going through her head.
It is really hard to grasp that I have been that bad of a husband that would result in my wife becoming this totally cold and indifferent person.
I had issues with my wife over the years, but I never stopped loving her. She seems to think that she was the perfect wife and I was the most horrible person on the planet to live with.
So I took the girls swimming last night, my W was going to her C appointment.
We were playing in the pool, and I noticed my W was in the viewing area watching - not sure how long she was there, but the kids eventually saw her, they waved and were excited. We keep playing along and had a blast.
After we grabbed some popcorn and sat and watched kids hockey that was being played in the arena next to the pool.
I headed home and kids all fell asleep in the car. As I was transfering them into bed my W pulled up. It was only 8:30, and I didn't expect her home until 9:30pm.
Got the kids to bed, and then W mentioned that her C appointment was actually supposed to be at 6, so she missed it. She really wasn't happy about that.
We were both getting ready for bed, and at one point I was just in a t-shirt. I think my W was checking me out, maybe noticing my weight loss for once, and she just asked me what I was doing with a little laugh. I told her I was getting ready for bed as I was tired.
I don't remember exactly how it started, but she began to breakdown to a point and start talking about the R. She was saying that she can't do the living together but not being with me.
I did my best to validate her, listened better than I have in a while - tried to speak mostly when she asked me a question. She said she is scared for the kids whether this is the right thing to do, and she's afraid about going out on her own financially. It was an encouraging talk - because I validated a lot of what she said but I also got to get a lot of good points in about us not working on the M together, and that I want things to be different.
She agreed again to goto MC, and I think we both went to bed relatively happy.
In the middle of the night, I got up to goto the washroom. I was tired, and it was dark so I was just sitting on the toilet. I heard my W get up, so I kind of put my head down as I was worried she was going to turn on the bathroom light. She didn't she just walked in, and scared her when she went towards the toilet and I was there. I got up and apologized and gave her a quick hug.
The next REAL conversation will be huge, I hope that I am slowly getting through to her. She seemed much more coherent last night - speaking much more realistically about the past and our problems.
Me - 34 W - 33 M - 8 years T - 15 years D7, D5, D2 Bomb Nov 10/2010 "I'm not happy and INILWY" W Staying for the kids Mar 13/2011
This is very encouraging. The fact that your wife is having these discussions with you is fantastic. I can't get my wife within 100 miles of an R talk.
The fact that your wife is mentioning the kids and the impact on them is huge. It means that she is starting to think about other peoples needs and not just her own. This is the one area where I see hope with my situation, my wife is very concerned about the kids. I use this to my advantage by being the best Dad that I can. Sounds like you are doing the same.
You are in a good place. Give her lots of time to bring up the next R talk. In the meantime, keep taking away all of those reasons that she has for wanting to leave.
