when he saw me(about a month ago) that I really loved her. He went on to say in the past I either didn't reailize my love or didnt know how to show it. He said it normal for me to be mad. This is not helping me at all! This C is counting our marriage out! I am sure my wife is too.
I stopped going to our MC. I insisted we go to one starting in September. But, like you described she seemed to think her job was to gracefully guide us to divorce. And, it was where my W felt comfortable dropping bombs on me. I thought, why should I give her an easier way to do that? That's like going to an oncologist (cancer doc) who tells you that cancer is hard but he can make your death go easier. So, screw the MC. I'm not going unless begged. And if we ever get to piecing, I'll be finding a different one.
B.I.T.S
Formerly known as onStepAtATime Me:31 W:31 T:13 yrs M:8 yrs D: 20 months ILYBNILWY: 9/22/10 "I want a separation" 1/05/11
My sitch changed drastically once my W's affair was known by her family... In fact, not much changed at all until it was in the open...affair's thrive in secrecy. Once they are brought to light they lose a lot of their excitement.
Will confirming that she is NOT having an affair change the reality that your W still wants S right now?
Nope, it won't change reality, but it sure helped me get over my W knowing that their was an external influence that was affecting her actions.
in my case... It did allow me to let it go once I didn't have to worry about it anymore...I honestly didn't mind that my W had moved on... I was just completely sick of the lies... In reality it is THEIR problem, they have to live with their choices.
The reality it IS their problem and they do have to live with their choices... so again, I ask, what good does it do to snoop and know right now? Should be focusing on yourself right now... 180s, GAL, Detaching... snooping is not detaching.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Wife and I were home together for the first time in a week or so last nite. we looked at places together. We both want her to move out at this point. Tjack, I was looking for a place for her, and she had already looked at everything I found! She wants independence bigtime. And I am having a very hard time detaching with her there. She says "there is no way for you to heal with me here". She says everything to do with being home reminds her of all the hurt she had in the marriage. I am trying to be strong, am I am still doing well on 180's in Some areas, but not all. What pisses me off is everything she says makes total sense. I believe she is taking comfort in her friends, which she has been for a long time, also many are male. She tries to hide this fact from me.
As was said before, Wife doesnt love me at all right now. I can see it in everything she does, and says. Becoming more distant everyday, and more urgency to get out of the house. I have been detaching more everyday also, so maybe that is why her disregard for my feelings. We are both looking for places for her to live, not going to be easy on the budget we have to work with. She is showing absolutely no remorse on the direction she is taking. I have been staying very busy. Prior to her letting her feelings known, I was a confident person. All throughout our marriage. I didn't want to change in very many ways. This perhaps was one of my biggest faults, not changing(bending) at all to fit the needs of my wife. This is one of my goals, but I am struggling to find the balance between confidence and good listening skills, and so on. I am trying to look at things in a very different way than I did before. It has softened me alot. I fear this my not be attractive, but I have to keep soul searching, doing my best and let things take their course. She has a ton of resentment towards me, and I just don't think me changing will take that out of her mind. I have to keep on the program, focus, FOCUS!
I think most walk away's have the too little too late attitude. Divorce is a selfish choice. She doesn't have remorse because according to her point of view it is the only option...
Shaves, Don't sweat her "too little, too late" attitude. That is the first stage of a WAS. As you may have read on here before, WAS's think they have it all figured out. Whether you know it or not (much like my W), your W has been planning her escape for months. She has spent hours alone in the car and at work planning this and she has convinced herself it is the only option. Where a WAS gets into trouble is when they meet some resistance to their plan. Here is a personal example. A couple of weeks after my W moved out, she called me and asked to have access to the house to get a few things. I told her that the day requested was not a good day for me, I gave her two specific reasons why it was not a good day and politely asked her to delay her trip to the house by one day. She blew up and sent me a really nasty text. She even included the line, "if this is how you want to play it..." Now, this was completely unnecessary and frankly quite childish. At the time, I was completely confused by her explosion. I caved and let her in the house anyway. Then, after she was finished, she sent me this sweet text thanking me. Now that I have spent some time with my C and this forum, I fully understand her explosion. I was causing friction with her "master plan" and that is why she exploded. WAS's have one and only one plan. When you try to block that plan in conventional ways such as resistance, they lose it. It is really quite sad. At the time, her actions devastated me. But now, I am fully aware of her B/S and I am armed to deal with it. Two weeks ago, she tried that sh*t with me again. I used the DB'ing skills I picked up here and pulled the chair out from under her so freaking fast, she had no idea what hit her. By the end of the interaction, she was apologizing to me for her behavior. Don't worry, one of my wife's favorites was, "too little, too late." But, over time, she stopped saying that. And, I suspect your W will too. Right now, she is not saying that to you to convince you it's over. She is continually saying that out loud to convince herself...
Hang in there and keep posting. When you feel your weakest, come here and you will find the strength to keep going. Heck, I am on here tonight because tomorrow I have to face my W again for the second time in a week.
BITS never walk alone!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
Thanks FOBD's I needed some reasurance. Here is the crappy part. My wifes master plan (the way I see it) wait till she gets new RN job and a huge raise, reaches her goal weight, get thru the holidays, and wallah! I am outta here and you ain't stoppin me! I forecasted this since first bomb 12-6-10. She denied all of it, until second bomb 1-15-11
As was said before, Wife doesnt love me at all right now. I can see it in everything she does, and says. Becoming more distant everyday, and more urgency to get out of the house. I have been detaching more everyday also, so maybe that is why her disregard for my feelings. We are both looking for places for her to live, not going to be easy on the budget we have to work with. She is showing absolutely no remorse on the direction she is taking. I have been staying very busy. Prior to her letting her feelings known, I was a confident person. All throughout our marriage. I didn't want to change in very many ways. This perhaps was one of my biggest faults, not changing(bending) at all to fit the needs of my wife. This is one of my goals, but I am struggling to find the balance between confidence and good listening skills, and so on. I am trying to look at things in a very different way than I did before. It has softened me alot. I fear this my not be attractive, but I have to keep soul searching, doing my best and let things take their course. She has a ton of resentment towards me, and I just don't think me changing will take that out of her mind. I have to keep on the program, focus, FOCUS!
Typical WAW behavior Shaves. My W acted the exact same way. She moved out 2 months ago and now, things are much better. Sometimes, people do need that physical space to heal from the wounds that they inflict on one another. I definitely think that it is true in my situation. It may be in your's as well. S is not the end and shouldn't be looked at that way. It is only over when you decide it is my friend.
Easier said than done, I know. It will get better.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
anyone have any tricks to avoid showing anger around W? I have a terrible poker face, and she knows me all too well. When we are near each other, and she is doing her normal thing--either facebooking, talking on phone, texting, or talking to me about seperation details, I have a tendency to get very angry. I never yell, or even raise my voice. My angers shows in my face and I normally can't get full sentences out, because at any second I could lose it. It has only happened once in this whole sitch. I think I cussed and kicked a couch pillow down the stairs as I left the room. Her words this morning before she left for work, "us spending time together has not been going well" she is right. I cannot quite hide my feelings when she is around. It would be easy if she would act a little more resectful, but we all know that is not going to happen. We haven't touched at all physically for 5 days, no contact at all. I have turned down a couple of "you want a hug?"s. Again, I am looking for any advice on anger management.
