That's the thing, I don't really know... sometimes I wonder if he's going to hit me, or yell at me, or tell me he hates me and I disgust him because I'm so weak. The look on his face certainly seems like that's a possibility but we've been together for over 18 years. He's never laid a hand on me or ever called me a bad name so I know in my head it's not a likelihood.
I know when I was a little one, our dad used to spank us with a belt from time to time, and if he just used his hand he'd come after us in a rage - but it wasn't an everyday or regular enough pattern that (as I understand it) characterizes true physical abuse. Surely all this couldn't be a reaction to that?
Do you relate your H as being an authority figure over you in the sense that your father was? I got whipped with a belt, too, but it never slowed me down from standing up to any man I had a conflict with. I didn't see it as physical abuse back then and it sure didn't hurt my self-esteem. But, I think your feelings go back to you feeling unworthy. Maybe subconsciously you think you should be treated badly by your H, IDK.
I bet your H wishes with all his heart that his W had more spunk and would not cow-down whenever there was a conflict. Have you ever considered that that could be the reason he gets more frustrated? I could see why he would get angry for you not holding your ground and acting like a whipped pup. Maybe he pushes to see how much you'll take before you finally say "ENOUGH" and stand up to him in a disagreement, conflict, or whatever.
If you can visualize the worst fight that could happen.....and then visualize yourself over-coming with strength and confidence....then perhaps it will begin to take hold in the real circumstances. Be prepared with a back-up statement that you've memorized (since your mind begins to shut down during conflict). Play scenarios in your mind and how you would deal with it. Self-esteem is in our minds. That's where you have to begin.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
