Relationship Discussions - When is ok?

[sandi2]

This is what I said on your other thread (all these threads are confusing me... ) However, I changed a few of the words. This is my suggestion of a true "verbal" LRT....and it will be the only verbal message she's going to listen to.

"I now realize that I'm not going to change your mind about getting D, so I've decided to stop talking about it. Since we don't have much time left together as a family, what do you think about us stopping the C sessions, stop fighting, and just relax and try to get through this as friends, instead of being each other's worst nightmare. We have just a little over 4 months left, so why don't we make the most of the time we have left? No strings attached, no pressures, no tricks, no games, and no expectations.......just friends for 4 months. Let's go out of this M with good memories to keep...and especially for the kids. What do you say?"

For a guy who is busting at the seams to talk, why on earth would you be hesitant about this? You replied with:

I see the positive in it but I am scared to accept verbally.

What do you mean that you're afraid to accept verbally? You mean the date? Do you think by "saying" this that that will make the D come true? You need to stop being in denial and get with a plan that is positive. The C is not helping you two get where you need to be. Your W is using her time with the C as her justification in leaving the M.

Her heart is closed to any fixer ideas (especially R talk) of staying in the M. She will keep a wall up and treat you cold in order to discourage you from any hope. So, the first thing is to do something to get that wall down and to get her relaxed and feel that she can smile without you getting giddy thinking everything is honky-dorey.

Unless she believes this is some gimmick you are trying, then I believe she'll be willing to accept what you proposed. But, I think the first question she'll have for you is wanting to know if this means you will stop fighting against the D. And, you must be mentally ready to set her free and stop pulling on that rope you have tied to her.....or it's just all a waste of time. However, if you can agree, then she is going to feel so free and light....that her mood will be a lot better for everyone involved.

You tell me.....what other plan do you think would work better? Rehashing the same old stuff that gets the two of you into arguments and no ground is gained? That doesn't work. You think if you get permission to have the really big R talk then something magical will happen and she'll get her eyes open to what she's doing wrong and change her mind. You're dreaming, and your fear is overwhelming you.

When she dropped the bomb, she was through with any R talks. That might not be what she told the C, IDK, but I know a WAW is finished (in her mind) and talks won't cut it. The above example I gave is not to be used as an introductory into a long drawn out R talk. It's to be said in a short and matter-of-fact manner.

I wouldn't think it would be so hard to say this to her, but to live it for 4 months will be the test. But, if you or anyone else has a better idea.....I'm certainly interested in hearing it.

I just have done really good with not talking about our relationship for the last 3 weeks and hate to bring this up and it take me backwards.

Again.....this is not to be a R talk. A R talk is what you want to stear away.