Someone suggest H is having a MLC....I don't know?

[Queen_of_Swords]

In that 6 hour seminar I took, they made the example of this you have:

Your marital relationship
Your business relationship
Your parenting relationship

Your business/working relationship remains to some degree
Your parenting relationship in collaborative raising of your kids stays intact in most instances.
Your marital relationship is over.

Wow, that must have taken some time to cover that last one then....

Yes and the presenters were also divorced. One was a lawyer and the other a social/family worker; and they stressed the end of the marital relationship, and the need to work together with the other two.

I agree with the first one...

The second...to a small degree...

What you will encounter (most likely ) is a situation called Parallel Parenting. It is where decisions will be made independently from each other. and while you may not like his decisions, you will have to honor that they are his.

The third....

There are thousands of books and courses on how to be Divorced. Although I am fairly sure there aren't too many on how to do that and remain emotionally healthy. Where the heart and the mind are reconciled in the same place....

Yes parallel parenting was mentioned, along with dealing with a hostile spouse. The courts here don't try to get involved on a legal level unless there is severe violence/abuse. They'd prefer not to use the adversarial legal system, but the family/collaborative law system.

Understand Mach1, the H has done almost nothing to move ahead and has said he's not returning. He's pretty much standing pat and waiting for me to initiate action.

That would be an assumption of what you might think he is thinking. Not a good place for your head to be. I can assure you that what you think he is thinking, and what is genuinely going through his brain, are not even close.

The monsters that come out and play in your head are not necessarily what the truth is. And will be far worse than what is going on. It also allows you to remain focused on what he is doing instead of doing for you and your children.

That is his pattern of past behaviour. To wait until someone else takes the initiative.
I've already gone through the possibilities in reading the MLC links Cadet provided, it's bad enough, and I know if he decides or has already taken up with an OW, started to do drugs, decides to move to Houston, or indulge in any other behaviour, it's out of my hands.

He sent me a separation agreement he got off a government site somewhere,filled in his name on the form and wrote: "Fill in what you want." I didn't do a thing with it.

Good for you....A word to the wise....

Don't ring any bells you can't un-ring here...

Find yourself first , so that your decisions can come from a place of rational thinking and one that reflects your inner core.

Thanks. I'm trying not to say anything or do anything that just is another nail in the coffin.

I'm understanding it's about their internal process and there isn't an F*&%ing thing that I can do to help him move through it, find his own centre , help him see reason, or that we have anything to salvage.

No there isn't...nothing

The challenge I have with this Mach1 is: a) I'm not getting any younger. I just had my 49th b'day. Niether are my kids, pretty darn soon I'll be handling two teenagers all by myself.
b) I want a partner, lover, friend and husband. He chooses not to be one.
c)LOL, you think it's easy to find someone else that you like and likes you back, that's willing to do the work of relationship? I don't take it lightly by half.

Last time I checked, there weren't any of us getting younger....

I have very little anger left

I disagree from what I have seen you post...Although I will reserve this until I get a better glimpse...

True, all of us are getting older by the minute.


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quote=Scylla_Charibdis]
Mach1, I'm sorry you see it as rebuke, it's certainly not intended that way. I'm doing my level best to answer questions here and in my own mind and heart honestly and completely.

No apologies for me....I'm not the only one who sees it....and its okay to feel that way, as long as you can see it too...

I have done a lot of deconstruction of what's he's said to me and tried, really tried to see his POV. I think I've stated that if I saw me the way he sees me, I'd not want to stay married to me either. The picture is very distorted though and I think you know that, given your understanding of MLC which is better than my own right now.

It's okay to see things that way as long as you can eventually spin the proper perspective on them....

If you can separate the things he says to you, and see them for what they are. Not everything he spews is your reality, not everything he says is false. Try to not take them personally and let them eat you up from the core.

Take them and hold them up to a mirror , find out what is your truth and what is his truth. Your truths are the things you should take a deeper look at.

If he says you always burned the water, yet you are a top notch Chef at a five star hotel, then his truth is bogus...

If he says that you always burned the water, and you just threw out a pan this evening...then his reality is not all that whacked...

See the difference ?
[/quote]

I understand what you're trying to say, but to try to apply it to his criticism of me I honestly have difficulty with. Some things I have absolutely no argument with. Yes i am critical, yes I didn't listen well ( I tend to listen for content/problem solving, not empathetically) , etc. etc. Other things H has said about my character I disagree with.


[

quote=Scylla_Charibdis]
Mach1, that five year plan is the WORK. It is the digging deep, it is the finding of my core personality, it is the purging of the bad crap; the vicious memes, and poisonous life commandments I've been given that have dictated how I should be behave, what I MUST do to get approval and acceptance, and how I unthinkingly react to old triggers. It is rewiring my brain and getting rid of trauma programming from abuse.
It takes three years to rewire a neural network. It takes fuve years for the new neurons to have myelin sheathing thick enough to make it "stick", and the old neurons to die, shrink and be absorbed for the new network to take it's place.

So...you are willing to give yourself this, although it goes against your " I'm not getting any younger" you just said above ?

But you are unwilling to give your husband this ?[/quote]I am giving myself the five years, 14 months of which have passed so far, as: a) I realise I have a garbage truck load of stuff to address, and b) for my kids. So I don't hand them my legacy of garbage and continually reinforce it until they’re adult!
I am not unwilling to give my husband the time, I have dedicated to my emotional health and well being. What sticks in my throat he's living the same old pattern in a different location far as I can tell.
God I pray on my knees he addresses his own crap, the sooner the better for our kids and any relationship we might have.
You've all told me there is nothing I can do about it, and I know it's out of my control and influence. He is resistant and just as stubborn as he claims I am. Of course he believes I'm the one that's nutz

And what if you were to burn it all and go out and find someone new ?

Are you really willing, to go out and drag someone else into this right now ?

Let me ask you this...

The last time you were dating...I would venture that you were....21 ?


Who were you then ?

When you went on those dates, all those years ago with your husband...did you have children then to worry about ? Bills ? A Divorce hanging over your head ? A whacked out spouse who thinks you are the Devil ?

Who were you then ?

I would imagine you were a young woman with a clear vision of who she was....and knew exactly what she wanted....

Of course when I was 21 I did not have the challenges I face now. I did have different ones, and no I didn't have a clear vision of what I wanted, contrary to your belief.

At least if I found someone new, I'd have someone that cares. That wants to share the best and the worst with me, that wants to walk beside me, that wants to be a part of my life and my children's lives.

She knew who she was at the core of her existence instead of who she had become because some knuckle-headed MLCer , said she was less than perfect...

That is why it is so important to do that mirror work, so that you know your truth..

Find that person again....

That is why you are being pushed here....because we can all see that young girl inside of you....

I'm glad that young girl/woman is gone. She was wound much too tight, too idealistic, worried all the time, suffered several physical maladies due to self inflicted stress, was always trying to please the adults/authorities in her life, and seldom judged good enough. In short she was a mess.

Can you ?

So far Mach, with the work I have done, I've found a very damaged young girl. A girl outwardly confident, and confrontational if necessary, but inwardly always with butterflies in her belly. A girl hiding behind her intellect and knowledge base as a safety mechanism. Someone that was forced to be too responsible much too soon.