Someone suggest H is having a MLC....I don't know?

[cat04]

Scylla,

I am gonna try to make this short, cuz I am tired.

Detaching, is important. It allows you to step back from the stuff they say and do emotionally. It gives you room to see it from the outside and decide what YOU want to do with it, how you want to react to it. Or if you do at all.

As far as giving up on your M, we don't encourage that here at all. That is each of our own call to make, hopefully when we are a little bit more emotionally stable than we all are/were when we came here.

The MLC forum, often, is the last stop for those of us trying to save our M. Very few, come to this or any forum thinking that their spouse could be in a MLC, and we expect that this is something that can be fixed in a short amount of time.

However, MLC, truly is a different animal than a WAW/WAH. Usually, in those cases, the D or attempt at reconciliation happens fairly quickly. In MLC, they don't happen so quickly. Many many MLCer's, do exactly what your H did. Move out and let time pass. Eventually, they may file for D or the LBS finally does.

In my sitch, my H told me he wanted a D in 2007. And did nothing. He pretended that everything was fine. That we were working on things. Then again in 2008 I heard this. And he did nothing for a few months. Then he moved into the spare bedroom. And more nothing. By this point, we were not speaking to each other. And we didn't hardly speak to each other until mid summer 2009. When he again told me he wanted a D. And then when papers were delivered Fedex a few days later and I asked him if they were D papers, he became insulted that I would mention it. In late 2009, I agreed to his D. What it would look like, when it would occur. By this point, I was moving on with my life. Sharing a house or not, I was moving on. Through 2010, he is the one who has struggled with this fact. He is the one who has had difficulty finally accepting his choices.

In 07, I was shocked and depressed. In 08, I became suicidal. And angry. And I hated my H for doing this to me. It took that for me to wake up and realize that I had to get myself together before I could even concern myself with him. Because I was a mess. I spent a lot of time, reading, praying, and meditating as ways to help myself heal. I was led to MLC. When I began reading about it, I wondered if the people who wrote the description of it, had been in my living room at various points in time. I could not believe that anyone else on earth had been through, heard, the same crap that I had heard from him.

I went forward and backwards for a long time, working on my stuff and understanding the process that he was going through. As I have to really understand things before I can process them emotionally, I read everything I could get my hands on about MLC. I spent months, silent, reading, researching, trying to rationalize, asking God to try to help me make sense of all of this. To show me what I could do to help him.

I learned that I could NOT help him. I learned that I was trying to make logic, where there is none. MLC, is illogical. It makes no sense. Until you get to know it as intimately as you can without experiencing one yourself.

I learned that IF the time came when my H wanted to return (and I still wanted him) that he would be more damaged than he was at that time. I learned that I would have to be the strong one then and that my feelings were not going to count with him for a very long time. I learned that if I wanted my M, or even a shot at it, I would have to be as whole and healed as I could become. I also learned that if I chose to make the choice to not be there when and if he woke up, that the best way to do that, was to be healed and as whole as possible.

I learned all of that here. From some of the people posting to you, some of the people still posting in this forum, and from some that are no longer here.

I felt as you do, often at first. I didn't know from one day to the next, for a long time, which way I was going. Was I still going to do this, stand for this idiot that I had married while he told me he hated me, while he lied to me, while he was off having a wonderful time, while I was miserable. I had done all during our M. Why should I be the only one who cared about our M? The only one who wanted to save it? Then I realized that I wasn't doing it for him. I was doing it for me.

With MLC, there are no guarantees. I wish there were.

This isn't something that I would wish on my worst enemy.

However, it also isn't something that I would trade for the world.

I wouldn't be who I am now, if this hadn't happened.

How long you wait, is up to you. What you do with the time you are waiting is also up to you. I can't tell you to stay or go. It isn't my choice to make.

This place, these principals, the people here, saved me. DB didn't save my M (that became MY choice) but it did save my R with my H to a great degree. We can talk. We can co-parent. After all of the spew and silence, that in itself is a miracle. It isn't because he changed. He hasn't. He is still mired pretty deep in MLC land. That is my reality. I can't make it yours.

Oh hell, so much for short

Sorry for the rambling novel. I hope you can make some sense out of it.