Someone suggest H is having a MLC....I don't know?

[Queen_of_Swords]

Scylla,

OMG, do you realize that in your response to me, this is the first time that I remember reading that you love your husband. And the first time you actually used an emoticon (and they do help sometimes to back up the words)

Not that I doubted it, but sometimes, it really does need to be said.

Until then, you had every other reason to try to repair this M or run from it, the kids, the financials, the time, blah, blah, blah...

Personally, I don't think you are discounting any of our feelings, just our experience with this particular matter and everything that surrounds it. (Depression, abondonment, the effects of divorce, love languages, DB principals, healing)

If you do take the time to read PEI's threads, you will see, I gave her a very hard time too. I didn't like her and she didn't like me. I don't know if I can say that we like each other now, we still can rub each other the wrong way once in a while, but we definately have a healthy respect for each other.

Yes, honestly, communication style is a huge part of it. And the words you listed, they do show a defensivness.

An example

"I went to the store for oranges, but they were out so I got apples." (good use of the word as an explanation).

"I want to lose weight, but I just love my french fries and pizza. Why should I have to give that up?" (example of it as an excuse. You know what you need to do, what will make a difference, and yet, you refuse to because you don't want to do the work).

Do you see the difference? I hope so or someone else is gonna have to explain it better LOL

This thought pattern allows us to not really do the HARD work. The kind of work it sounds like you are trying to do with this program.

So use of the words: but, however, therefore, as, so...are seen as defensive rather than explanatory. O.k., gotcha.

Listen, some of the things your H said, may be true. I doubt all of them were. And looking at them, is hard and it hurts. We have all been there. It is scary to look in that mirror and see what the world sees. It is scary. It is easier to NOT look. Or to ignore it and dismiss it. It really is. And it will hit you hard at first. Because once you look, there are only two options. Remain the same and wonder why people say things like you are defensive, controlling, mean, lazy, etc... OR start to dig. And uncover the reasons behind those things AND make the decision to change them.

Yes there is a certain "blindness" we develop about ourselves.
Wish there was a 4 way mirror for that, along with a little numbing agent so you can take the criticism without having your self esteem collapse. Where are Clinton and Stacy for that makeover?

You also come across as defensive because you are waiting to be judged by us. You may not think so, but we all start out that way because we have been judged by our spouses and others. So you explain, you justify, you defend your actions and you use things like statistics to back them up.

I've already been judged and found wanting TYVM. Over and over again.
Hypercritical/perfectionists are also self-critical and self destructive in some aspects. I'm no exception, and I know how I got that way.

Personally, I hate statistics because they can be so easily manipulated to fit whatever circumstance you want them to (I studied research methods in college).

Figures lie and liars figure. Heard that often, and have seen how stats can be juggled and massaged to show just about any result you want.

While it may not feel like it right now, here, you will NOT be judged. Honestly, neither will your h. There is little that you could type that will shock any of us. There is little that we haven't seen, heard, or lived. If you tell us that you were controlling, we will ask you why? We will try to explore it. We will try to help you learn how to not be that way if that is what you want (and sometimes even if you think you don't.) We will point out things that come across to us as controlling. (I am using controlling as an example) But we will not judge you. That is something that I can almost guarantee.

There is a saying around here, if someone says something that stings, (makes you angry, defensive, argumentative) then that is something you should look at. Why it stings? Is there anything you can do to change it?

This is a process, just like your program, that takes time. Patience with yourself is key here.

I hope you make the choice to stick around for a while. Learn a thing or twenty, about MLC, about yourself, about others. It is a scary but wonderful journey.

I understand about the "sting" and investigating if it has merit or not.

I honestly don't know if I will stick around.

Seems to me all that's left for me to do is to detach as best I can, and accept I will be living my life partnerless, perhaps for a very long time and along with all the things that go with having a partner in life.

That, and accept H is pretty much gone for good, for all intents and purposes; the formality of paperwork completed, filed and served, or not.
I also appear to need to begin to forget about H, what he's doing what he says, what I feel, because I have to get to a stage where none of it matters.

At least that's my interpretation of what you all are saying.