Slowly building again.

[Harrier]

Been a few days. Sometimes I'm hesitant to post here because it feels like it can jinx things. I know that's silly, but....

Anywho.So after the Friday fiasco. I did a little soul searching to try to figure out what I wanted/needed to do to work on my end of the bargain. I think I came up with a plan of action.

Friday night we had a big R talk. No that it matters, but she initiated it. The main point of the topic was the EA and my reaction to it.

I went to great lengths to explain how I felt about the EA. Everything one would say - it was hurtful, it damage trust, etc.

She said that she totally understood that but reiterated that she wants to work on the marriage in fact she said "I have to make the marriage work." She said she didn't want to do anything to risk that.

She said the she thought for the most part our marriage was awesome and she loved me (no rewriting of history) She said that she didn't love who I became because of the depression/other issues I'm working on, but she did say that part of her still loves me and thinks we can get that old guy back.

But she still has a major problem with my "checking up" on here by looking at phone records, etc. So we came to an understanding about that. I won't go into details, but it involves a lot of trust on my end. I will have to work with that.

I told her, as per JTB, that we have to look at it like today is the first day of our new marriage. She kinda agreed with that sentiment. I felt really good about where we were going. I think we are both on the same page for sure.

The weekend was frankly awesome. It felt darn normal and with how it has been that is great. We went out to dinner on Saturday and kinda hung around Sunday. My W is talking a lot about the future.

In fact, she asked me if I still wanted to run a 5K with her. I said I did and she said "good, I already got the babysitter booked." It is 2 days before valentines day.

I also asked her if she wanted to start carpooling again. Before the S hit the fan, we used to carpool 1 or 2 X a week. She said sure and said we could today. She even thought we might be able to tomorrow, but couldn't b/c of a meeting.

Also, I went out on a huge, huge limb yesterday evening. I was kinda antsy and she asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I warned her that the topic might make her really mad, but if she still wanted to I would. She promised not to get mad.

I told her the following, "I really miss the sex part of things. I know that you are in a different place right now and I totally respect that. I'm not asking you to or anything and this is my issue I have to learn how to deal with. I know I have to be patient with you and I will, but sometimes it bothers me and since you asked."

If she was mad, she didn't show it. She said that we are in different places and something like "we'll see where it goes." I felt better for telling her and she appreciated that I was direct and did not get mad or pout or let it affect my whole evening. And once she said her part, we just kinda went on with our evening. I don't know why I brought it up maybe because we tried to start ML in Dec. and that didn't go so well.

Which leads me to the problems I struggle with. One, the OM. I still worry about her re-igniting things and I don't know if it's rational. I came to the realization today that the EA stopped before it could evolve into a Love scenario. I'm fairly convinced of that. I think it could've been headed in that direction, but it was derailed by me and to some extent the other guy.

The other is the lack of physical intimacy. I mean we haven't kissed or hugged in nearly 4 weeks. No hand holding and no ILYs. We do sleep in the same bed and last night she was kinda sleeping next to me, but nothing romantic or even close. I really, really miss that an just wish she'd make a small effort on that front. Sometimes, I feel that she has totally gotten used to this and it will be this way forever. If this goes on much longer it will come up for discussion.

I mean I know she's working and these are huge steps for her. I know we are on different time tables now but I just wonder sometimes if it will ever come back. I mean I never thought I'd be in a situation like this were I'm looking for any sign that my W likes/loves me. It reminds me of high school.

I hope our MC session for Friday isn't canceled -- Darn Weather.

Also we had a minor fight tonight. At least when I am piecing it's hard for me to keep the perspective that we are still a married couple and will have minor spats. It didn't last long and we both apologized, but sometime I get scared that little fights will evolve into big fights.

Well, that's all for now.