Slowly building again.

[Concerned_Listener]

HELP!!!

I am messing this up big time. It seem like part of me is bent on getting divorce so I push and push my wife.

I know it's not what I want, but I just feel out of control sometimes. I know that I am the only one who can make the changes I need to and the only one who can take the advice.

Am I screwed here? Why do I keep doing the same stupid crap and pushing here toward divorce when she is willing to work on the M? Why do I potentially keep pushing her towards the OM, by not giving her a stable, loving guy at home?

Right now I hate myself and hate that do that. But I can't seem to get my S together to not do it.

Any advice for me?

It sounds like you have some mental habits to change. Your mind gets going on certain topics and emotions and then you act it out. You're going to therapy so you're working on self-expression and changing relational patterns. You're a runner so you're getting exercise. You allow yourself to feed pollution into your mind--negative opinions, predictions, assessments, interpretatons, conclusions, that aren't based on fact, but are subjective and emotional.

You can experiment with brief periods of meditation to discipline your mind and increase clarity of how you get yourself into trouble. Your mind is like an untrained maverick. Meditation helps to stay with the difficult emotions and thoughts without acting on them, and slows us down to see what we're thinking so we can correct it. Maybe you can try 10 minutes per day to start, and see if it helps. Simply sit and pay attention to the breath.

CL

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hey Harrier,

Sorry, I've been down with the flu something fierce.

What FindingMyVoice says:

Much to my surprise, I started doing similar things to what you're doing now. The way my IC described it was it just boils down to resentment. You're still hurt. When you say things like 'you don't really want to try to work things out, do you' - that tells me you're still scared and untrusting and you're kind of asking her for reassurance that she DOES want to stay and work. You're still grieving what was; unsure and afraid of what will be; and, frankly, you're still likely pretty angry. It's ok to be angry. But those huge feelings are likely what's preventing you from 'following through' as you say. Sounds like all pretty human emotions to me.

Is something I felt as well. Something I had to fight in myself.
I wanted reassurances, I found myself seeking it in stupid ways. Attacking her, and hoping that she would respond positively.

Truthfully at the time, I wanted her to fail, but she didn't.

Something that helped me, was realizing that my old marriage was dead, and I was glad for it, but that we, my wife and I were building a new one, with none of the crap from before.

I had to stop attacking her, take a look a look and see that she was trying, and that by provoking her, I might have gotten verbal reassurance that she was trying, but I was pointing out why she shouldn't be.

You do need to forgive yourself, you do need to forgive her too. A question for you, would you want to be with her if she keep reminding you of a mistake you made? Even if you were trying to overcome it? How long before you began to wonder if she would ever forgive you?

I hope you'll pardon me, my brain is still a bit scrambled from the flu, I hope that makes some sort of sense and helps.

[Harrier]

CL:

meditation is a great idea.I've never been a big fan of stuff like that, but it's worth a shot.

Jack:
Your message isn't too scrambled. With you and FMV, it helps me to hear I'm not alone with this issue. the message about forgiveness is a strong one. I don't think I've told my W I forgive her for the EA.
Feel better soon.

thanks. you guys rock.

[Kemper]

I am glad I stopped by your thread today to read up. I find myself doing the same things you are. I need to work on slowing my mind down and looking at my W's actions and not my insecurities.

Best of luck to you in dealing with the deamons so to speak.

[Harrier]

Kemper,

If you are like me, it's comforting to know that I am not alone in messing up like this. Maybe we can serve a check on eachother.

Good luck.

[FindingMyVoice]

I realized in late July that I needed to get back on them and tried a different one. In Oct '10, I started IC.

Good for you. The IC and ADs really do need to work together to give you the best results for your life. ADs do help lift our moods and give us our energy back, but more importantly, they allow our brains to create new pathways of learning. Then the IC can help us look at situations and conflicts in a new way; to see different options and new ways we can respond to them, rather than just falling into old reactions.

So be sure to be patient with yourself here too. Four months is not a long time to be in IC, even with the ADs. Give it another year or so. There's likely many years of patterns there that have to be first understood, then undone. It takes time. I've been in IC for a year and a quarter, on ADs for only 6 weeks. And I STILL have crap that has to be worked through. So be kind to yourself, be patient, have hope. Thinking good thoughts for you, FMV.

[Concerned_Listener]

I read in a book written by a psychiatrist, from a study on psychotherapy that it takes from six months to two years to see lasting benefit.

CL

[Jack_Three_Beans]

How are you doing Harrier?

[Harrier]

Been a few days. Sometimes I'm hesitant to post here because it feels like it can jinx things. I know that's silly, but....

Anywho.So after the Friday fiasco. I did a little soul searching to try to figure out what I wanted/needed to do to work on my end of the bargain. I think I came up with a plan of action.

Friday night we had a big R talk. No that it matters, but she initiated it. The main point of the topic was the EA and my reaction to it.

I went to great lengths to explain how I felt about the EA. Everything one would say - it was hurtful, it damage trust, etc.

She said that she totally understood that but reiterated that she wants to work on the marriage in fact she said "I have to make the marriage work." She said she didn't want to do anything to risk that.

She said the she thought for the most part our marriage was awesome and she loved me (no rewriting of history) She said that she didn't love who I became because of the depression/other issues I'm working on, but she did say that part of her still loves me and thinks we can get that old guy back.

But she still has a major problem with my "checking up" on here by looking at phone records, etc. So we came to an understanding about that. I won't go into details, but it involves a lot of trust on my end. I will have to work with that.

I told her, as per JTB, that we have to look at it like today is the first day of our new marriage. She kinda agreed with that sentiment. I felt really good about where we were going. I think we are both on the same page for sure.

The weekend was frankly awesome. It felt darn normal and with how it has been that is great. We went out to dinner on Saturday and kinda hung around Sunday. My W is talking a lot about the future.

In fact, she asked me if I still wanted to run a 5K with her. I said I did and she said "good, I already got the babysitter booked." It is 2 days before valentines day.

I also asked her if she wanted to start carpooling again. Before the S hit the fan, we used to carpool 1 or 2 X a week. She said sure and said we could today. She even thought we might be able to tomorrow, but couldn't b/c of a meeting.

Also, I went out on a huge, huge limb yesterday evening. I was kinda antsy and she asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I warned her that the topic might make her really mad, but if she still wanted to I would. She promised not to get mad.

I told her the following, "I really miss the sex part of things. I know that you are in a different place right now and I totally respect that. I'm not asking you to or anything and this is my issue I have to learn how to deal with. I know I have to be patient with you and I will, but sometimes it bothers me and since you asked."

If she was mad, she didn't show it. She said that we are in different places and something like "we'll see where it goes." I felt better for telling her and she appreciated that I was direct and did not get mad or pout or let it affect my whole evening. And once she said her part, we just kinda went on with our evening. I don't know why I brought it up maybe because we tried to start ML in Dec. and that didn't go so well.

Which leads me to the problems I struggle with. One, the OM. I still worry about her re-igniting things and I don't know if it's rational. I came to the realization today that the EA stopped before it could evolve into a Love scenario. I'm fairly convinced of that. I think it could've been headed in that direction, but it was derailed by me and to some extent the other guy.

The other is the lack of physical intimacy. I mean we haven't kissed or hugged in nearly 4 weeks. No hand holding and no ILYs. We do sleep in the same bed and last night she was kinda sleeping next to me, but nothing romantic or even close. I really, really miss that an just wish she'd make a small effort on that front. Sometimes, I feel that she has totally gotten used to this and it will be this way forever. If this goes on much longer it will come up for discussion.

I mean I know she's working and these are huge steps for her. I know we are on different time tables now but I just wonder sometimes if it will ever come back. I mean I never thought I'd be in a situation like this were I'm looking for any sign that my W likes/loves me. It reminds me of high school.

I hope our MC session for Friday isn't canceled -- Darn Weather.

Also we had a minor fight tonight. At least when I am piecing it's hard for me to keep the perspective that we are still a married couple and will have minor spats. It didn't last long and we both apologized, but sometime I get scared that little fights will evolve into big fights.

Well, that's all for now.

[Harrier]

Okay this is my vent today. I'm doing it here instead of to my W.
Mostly ignore it.

1. She spent about 1 hr on Monday evening emailing some student who had a question about her career. She sat in the other room with headphones on on the computer. Then she hi-tales it up to bed after she's done. No conversation, no spending any time.

2. She has monday's off. She busts her butt to make a lunch with her co-worker (female). Then she has lunch out again with said co-worker on Tuesday. WTF? You think she'd do that for me?

3. She spends about 1 hr last night texting one of her mentors and her friends instead of interacting with me or our son. At least she stopped when she saw that I was annoyed.

Sometimes she can be a pill.