Hi Shaves, glad you found us and I hope you'll post every day until this M is good again.
I know you miss your "real" W and wonder what's going on in her brain. Let me give you this advice. The quicker you will accept the fact that "this" woman is not the girl you M, the sooner you will be stronger.
If you have not read Michele's article on the WAW Syndrome on the DB home page, then do so b/c it explains a lot. Then, go into search and pull up PEA's on the Internet. I think you might be shocked at what you'll learn.
Fear and pride are the two things you will have to fight yourself about. Most LBH's have so much fear of losing the W that they are absolutely paralyzed! Plus, fear is a huge turn-off to the WAW. She's like a dog, she can smell it and she'll attack.
She has decided that she's done, and there isn't much you can do about that. You can't change her. You can't control her. You can't fix her. But you can control who and what "you" are as a man. Making positive changes in yourself will hopefully draw her back to you. But, here's the kicker....those changes must be for you, Shave, not for her. That's just the way it works. That may sound selfish, but it's not. Trust us on that.
My belief about who sleeps in the marital bed is the one who wants to depart the M should be the one to leave the bed (if anyone does). You are doing her no favors by choosing to leave.
You will see your W do all sorts of things that you never dreamed that she'd do. Be prepared! Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
You need a plan of action. Hoping is not a plan. Mae yourself a list of goals.....for you. Some people make a list of goals, but it's all about the WAS. Make these about you. Then break it down and figure out a plan in how to reach those goals. Make smaller ones for every day. Make some obtainable goals that you could reach in a week or two.
You will probably have some very discouraging times ahead. You will have to keep focused on getting a personal life that does not include your W. We will explain all the reasons why, later. You will have to work hard in order to not be focused on her.
There is hope, Shaves.
I'll talk to you later. I know it you have a lot to take in. Oh, BTW, don't try to get her to read or watch any material.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
heard from her. Dammit. The C and her are working on her self esteem. He told her that we are doing the right thing by living together with the kids until she can find a place. He also said we will both go thru spurts like greiving. He said that he could really tell when he saw me(about a month ago) that I really loved her. He went on to say in the past I either didn't reailize my love or didnt know how to show it. He said it normal for me to be mad. This is not helping me at all! This C is counting our marriage out! I am sure my wife is too. I have that empty feeling that I had for a month that I finally got rid of! She is making a huge mistake! I dont know what to do. I think if I went out and grabbed the next girl I could find W would say "good for you!" W is working again tonite, and we will be home together for the first time since last Tuesday nite. I will try to be strong, but i need some guidance on how to act, things I may say. Will continue to read DR after kids go to bed. And pray. Again.
FOCUS!!! Don't worry about what the counselor says. He's not an asset, but your dbing IS. And time. It is on your side. You need to get it together so that if/when she leaves, she will miss home, you want to plant the seed of doubt in her mind.
You can do this. Right now...just be your very best improved to this point. DO NOT talk about your relationship. Whatever she says, listen to her, but do not react. Just listen.
"She made some poor decisions regarding spending time with the kids last weekend." out of your control... How she decides to act is her decision... If it results in safety issues for your kids then either you or the law will step in....
She began crying and worrying that I am going to try to get full custody, and so on.
Let her worry.. If her behavior is that bad around the kids, then she should worry.... 50/50 split is most likely though.
Obviously she is still planning on the move out.
find her a place... suddenly she won't be so sure that moving out is the right move.
What do I do when she is putting her personal satifaction in front of the kids' needs time and time again?
Again, hard to watch, but it is really out of your control. Perhaps you can write down days and when she puts herself in front of the kids.... If custody comes up as an issue, then you have some documentation or witnesses.
This is very uncharacteristic of her. She has changed in the head.
I will ask you again... Is their another man? When people's needs aren't being met, Others can/ will step into meet them...People in affairs don't act normally.... Did you ever hear of the lady that drove all the way across the U.S. to confront her affair partner? Scott Peterson killed his wife and their unborn child when he was in an affair.... People who are "IN LOVE" act very differently than they normally would... and yes it is important to know if their is someone else involved in your sitch...
Your W's C isn't going to change what is in your W's heart, good or bad. His/her words may validate what she believes her current feelings are, but that is all he/she is doing. Ultimately, only your W will decide what she wants for her life. If you DB successfully your W may realize what she is giving up and decide on M with you. Or she won't. But nothing this C says, nothing her friends or family say, and nothing that YOU say, is going decide the outcome.
You need to focus on DBing. That is all you can do. All that you can control. As dbmod said... FOCUS. This takes TIME and PATIENCE shaves.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
What is the best way to confront AGAIN about an E or P affair. She has always sworn, "cheating on your spouse would be like cheating on your kids". I have asked her many times. She swears I have nothing to worry about. "I need to work on myself, I cannot handle any relationship right now, including this one" has come out of her mouth on the 2 bombshell conversations. But I am sick with worry about an A. Have been for 6 months or so. Tried to put it out of my mind. It destroys me to think about. But I need to know, how do I get her to confess? What if she is telling the truth? Thank you to all for the help. All contact is a Godsend.
He said it normal for me to be mad. This is not helping me at all!
It is normal to bounce though a whole array of emotions through this process... Denial, grief, fear, anger,loneliness... you will bounce back and forth through these for some time... You may feel like you have moved on passed these and all of a sudden they come right back... I recommend ordering Rebuilding when your relationship ends..... Once you get past these emotions you will come to acceptance and freedom.... When you reach this point... You will become exponentially more attractive... You will " KNOW" that the outcome of your sitch isn't the most important thing anymore... You are happy by yourself and with yourself... You did everything you could do with what you knew... You are "FREE" to move on.
This C is counting our marriage out! I am sure my wife is too.
Doesn't matter... Her friends, family, counselor and everybody else that she knows could tell her she should end her marriage... If everybody told you to quit trying to save it would you? Nope, Not until YOU DECIDE that's what you want to do.
I dont know what to do. I think if I went out and grabbed the next girl I could find W would say "good for you!"
Doubt it, she would be jealous.. Your not ready for anyone else quite yet though.
W is working again tonite, and we will be home together for the first time since last Tuesday nite.
Time to GAL? Maybe the new interesting, exciting, mysterious shaves needs to get out of the house and start a new hobby?
I will try to be strong, but i need some guidance on how to act, things I may say.
Be Cool, Calm, In control of your emotions, Strong, Decisive and aware of your words and actions....
What is the best way to confront AGAIN about an E or P affair. She has always sworn, "cheating on your spouse would be like cheating on your kids". I have asked her many times. She swears I have nothing to worry about. "I need to work on myself, I cannot handle any relationship right now, including this one" has come out of her mouth on the 2 bombshell conversations. But I am sick with worry about an A. Have been for 6 months or so. Tried to put it out of my mind. It destroys me to think about. But I need to know, how do I get her to confess? What if she is telling the truth? Thank you to all for the help. All contact is a Godsend.
What good will "knowing" do for you Shaves?
Will confirming that she is NOT having an affair change the reality that your W still wants S right now?
Will confirming that she IS having an affair change the reality that your W still wants S right now?
Focus on what you need to do. Detach my friend. That has to be your answer right now. You need to get yourself together so that you can climb the mountain that is in front of you right now.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
What is the best way to confront AGAIN about an E or P affair. She has always sworn, "cheating on your spouse would be like cheating on your kids". I have asked her many times. She swears I have nothing to worry about. "I need to work on myself, I cannot handle any relationship right now, including this one" has come out of her mouth on the 2 bombshell conversations. But I am sick with worry about an A. Have been for 6 months or so. Tried to put it out of my mind. It destroys me to think about. But I need to know, how do I get her to confess? What if she is telling the truth? Thank you to all for the help. All contact is a Godsend.
Don't confront her. Believe her. Unless you ever have a reason not to, believe her.
Work on yourself and making the most of the interactions you have with her.
My sitch changed drastically once my W's affair was known by her family... In fact, not much changed at all until it was in the open...affair's thrive in secrecy. Once they are brought to light they lose a lot of their excitement.
Will confirming that she is NOT having an affair change the reality that your W still wants S right now?
Nope, it won't change reality, but it sure helped me get over my W knowing that their was an external influence that was affecting her actions.
in my case... It did allow me to let it go once I didn't have to worry about it anymore...I honestly didn't mind that my W had moved on... I was just completely sick of the lies... In reality it is THEIR problem, they have to live with their choices.
