I have done everything wrong....

[Denver_2010]

Islander - I just posted 37 rules that will get you on the right track. Here are some more thoughts that I have in regards to your sitch.

1) You need to detach. Plenty to read on the subject here. Detaching is for you and your emotional well being. It does not mean that you give up, just that you don't get caught up in worrying about what your W is doing all of the time. It is extremely difficult to do. I continue to struggle with detachment each and every day.

2) Consider going dark for a few weeks. This is not the same as detachment. 2 separate things Going dark means that you do NOT have any contact with W. If she contacts you, reply nicely with short and to the point responses. The hope that she will begin to wonder what is up with Islander and begin to miss you. It will also give you a chance to get yourself together.

3) GAL - This will help your emotional well being and self confidence. It will also help pass the time. As hard as it may seem right now, go have some fun.

4) 180's - Look at yourself when you first met W. What caused her to fall in love with you? I'm not talking about being affectionate to W, I'm talking about who you are as a person. Are you that same person? If not, do the 180s to get yourself back. It MAY help M, but it WILL help you!!

5) Continue being a good dad to daughter. But ALSO, continue being a good step dad to step D. Think of way to do this and also stay dark with W for the time being. Does your step D have a cell phone?

6) NEVER act or say anything without taking the time to think about it first. The question that you should ask yourself is "will this act/statement a) draw W closer to me, b) push her further away, or 3) be neutral". Avoid those that fall under answer b, don't spend much time on c, and do things that fall under a. Pretty obvious.

Listen, what your W is doing and saying to you is very common. I had no idea until I found this board! Keep hope, but remember to distinguish that from having expectations. You will suffer set backs if you attach expectations to your actions.

Sitch probably isn't going to get much better until OM is out of the picture. If or when that will happen? No one knows.

You have to have TIME AND PATIENCE to do this. Is your W and M worth the effort? That is the ultimate question.

BITS
Denver

[islander]

Instead of coming over in the morning to talk about bills, W texted me tonight and asked me if I wanted to got to my MIL and have dinner with her. I was hesitant to say the least but I figured I would go and be the best that I could be, and my SD was there and I really wanted to see her.

I was there for 20 min and left without eating. W got mad at her mom, then she was mad at me and stated she comment afford to pay very much for the bills at our house. I disagreed with her, and when she started to become argumentative and hurtful, I got up and left (as I was about to become visibly upset and did not want her to see).

I went home and did not hear from her. I am ok. I feel I did a good job tonight controlling myself. I will wake up hurting in the morning though.

MIL and SD brought dinner to my house, which also made me feel better. I really miss my W and want her and my SD back home with me. This is so hard and the uncertainty of the future kills me at times.

I went grocery shopping for myself for the first time, and I wanted so bad to leave my cart in the isle and run out of walmart bc I was so depressed.

[islander]

I told W this morning that I did not really want to exchange text messages with her. She uses texts to avoid talking to people. I told her if she needed to ask or tell me something to call. Then 30 min later she sent me a text and asked a question about some property I told her to take for SD. I called her back and talked to her about it and some other property. Is that the right move?

I stopped all R talk and have not been asking questions about OM or who is helping her move as I am at work when she removes stuff from the house. It kills me but, but whatever.

I am not going to contact her at all unless it is about the kids, bills, or property. She told me this mornin that she was sorry about last night and assured me she would help me pay the bills. I just said ok and changed the subject to discuss property. This is so hard.

[islander]

So I am trying to GAL and detach, but...
I am sitting in my car before going into the gym reading about others sitch and just start crying..running on the treadmill fighting back tears, come home to stretch and cry. I want to come home so bad but it is just an empty shell right now.

I am going to do some minor cleaning in the house, run some errands, and go to the Christian book store for a while. I am so depressed with my life right now.

My W does not know how bad I feel though. And if she does it is not because I tell her or she sees it. Every time she comes back to the house to get something, she can see that it is clean and I am trying to fix it up with the little bit of furniture that I have left. I try to be pleasant around her and offer her items from the house that she may need that I can do without...is this the right way to be with her?

[Denver_2010]

Islander - Just read your thread. I am in a similar situation. My W moved out of our home in November. She has told me all of the same things that your W has said to you. Things were absolutely horrible for me in November and about 1/2 of December. I can't say that they are great now, but sitch has improved. Also, I don't cry for hours each day. Anyway, these 37 rules are where I started. Read them, learn them, live them...

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[Denver_2010]

Islander - I just posted 37 rules that will get you on the right track. Here are some more thoughts that I have in regards to your sitch.

1) You need to detach. Plenty to read on the subject here. Detaching is for you and your emotional well being. It does not mean that you give up, just that you don't get caught up in worrying about what your W is doing all of the time. It is extremely difficult to do. I continue to struggle with detachment each and every day.

2) Consider going dark for a few weeks. This is not the same as detachment. 2 separate things Going dark means that you do NOT have any contact with W. If she contacts you, reply nicely with short and to the point responses. The hope that she will begin to wonder what is up with Islander and begin to miss you. It will also give you a chance to get yourself together.

3) GAL - This will help your emotional well being and self confidence. It will also help pass the time. As hard as it may seem right now, go have some fun.

4) 180's - Look at yourself when you first met W. What caused her to fall in love with you? I'm not talking about being affectionate to W, I'm talking about who you are as a person. Are you that same person? If not, do the 180s to get yourself back. It MAY help M, but it WILL help you!!

5) Continue being a good dad to daughter. But ALSO, continue being a good step dad to step D. Think of way to do this and also stay dark with W for the time being. Does your step D have a cell phone?

6) NEVER act or say anything without taking the time to think about it first. The question that you should ask yourself is "will this act/statement a) draw W closer to me, b) push her further away, or 3) be neutral". Avoid those that fall under answer b, don't spend much time on c, and do things that fall under a. Pretty obvious.

Listen, what your W is doing and saying to you is very common. I had no idea until I found this board! Keep hope, but remember to distinguish that from having expectations. You will suffer set backs if you attach expectations to your actions.

Sitch probably isn't going to get much better until OM is out of the picture. If or when that will happen? No one knows.

You have to have TIME AND PATIENCE to do this. Is your W and M worth the effort? That is the ultimate question.

BITS
Denver

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[Grocerykartman]

I would say yes, with one exception...don't go out of your way to be offering her items you can do without. That comes across as not standing up for your living quarters, which she wouldn't respect if she was meeting you for the first time. Plus, you never know what you might actually need later, so don't give if away the store iy by chance you are doing so....and it sounds like she's wiping you fairly clean here as it is.

I know its awful man. Best thing I can tell you to do is when you do go to the bookstore or go shopping, don't look at it like she's not there and you can't barely function without her. Shop however you'd like to shop...if you want to go look at the meat or the frozen foods first, then do that and live a little. Take the backroads to the store. Read some things you haven't been abe to find time to read before. This is kind of like mini-GALing. You gotta find ways to be happier doing routine things first, then you can transition into other things.

[islander]

Grocery and Denver, thanks for your input. My response will be brief bc I am on my iPhone and it is difficult to look back at your posts as I write.

Grocery, me and W don't have a large amount of property, but the items we have a larger, so they make an impact when they are no longer there. I traded the living room set and tv for our bed (expensive) and computer , desk, and washer and drier. I needed those things more than a large tv and couches. It is actually pretty even. The stuff I offered to give her were items like the bed in the spare room, my SD bunk bed (she loves it, and my D is with me every other weekend). I was going to set up an extra computer for her, and little stuff like that I am not going to use. I am just trying to be nice a out the sitch, not begging her to stay and helping her set up her place, sort of. I am not selling the farm, just trying to shock her with kindness.


Denver, I have been reading your sitch and also thought it was very similar to mine. I was reading it in the gym parking lot when I broke down. Your relationship with your SS also reminded me of my relationship with my SD. This is so much harder when there are children involved, it multiplies the loss that you feel. I am trying to detach but I just can't seem to grasp the reality of the idea. Every once in a while I feel like I am detached, but it doesn't last for long. I guess it is something I will have to struggle with every day until it becomes easier, if it does.
It is hard to go completely dark in my sitch. I don't make enough to pay the household bills, and my W is going to have to really help me. That is going to require more contact than going dark requires. I will do my best to limit contact and communication. She is coming tomorrow while i am at work to get the rest of her things, so I think tomorrow night is going to be rough.

Today was a rough day and nothing drastic happened. I have not been contacting her since Saturday, but I do respond to her calls and texts. It is a start.

[Denver_2010]

Islander - I fell your pain buddy. I was an absolute wreck for the first 3 weeks of my mess. I'm still not in a good place and cry at least once on an almost daily basis. Usually when I'm driving for some reason. Just today, I was sitting at my desk and began to wonder, for the 2 millionth time, how this has happened to me. I never thought that I'd be in this sitch. It still seems so unreal.

Grocery is right. GAL helps a lot. Detaching is also very helpful, but is very, very difficult.

I can also relate to not wanting to be in your empty home. I stay away from my house as much as possible. I will tell you something that I did immediately after my W moved out that has helped. I went out on a major shopping spree and replaced most of the stuff that I let her take to her new place. Furniture, decorations etc. This made my house seem fuller and more mine. W even commented the next time that she was there that "it is sad to see my house not my house anymore"... think about it.

Make sure to read the 37 DB rules that I found when I first came to this board and cut and pasted onto your thread. They really helped me focus my efforts.

Keep your head up man. There is no where to go but up for all of us.

BITS
Denver

[islander]

Denver, I know I need to stop but I can't. I am constantly wondering how j got here and why I was slow to act when she initially reached out to me. I know the answer to that to...I thought I had more time. I made the mistake of not putting my relationship first. This seems so unfair, as now I see the light and will never make the same mistakes again, no matter who I am with. I don't see how she can just want to start a new relationship when she would have the one she wants if she just took the time to work on the one she has. This seems unreal to me also, like half of who I defined myself as just walked away from myself, and now I am supposed to detach like I did not need that part of me. This is so hard, but I do realize I have no choice but to go forward, kicking and screaming on the inside.
Once W has all of her property from the house, I do have some good furniture that will be donated to me that she does not know about. She will be surprised whenever she sees it. Maybe she won't be surprised, but she will see that I am alive.

I read the 37 rules and they make sense, and I have already implemented some of them. W text me an hour ago to let me know our balance and said she was would call in a min. She always says she is going to call, then doesn't. I want to call her but I am not. I just replied "ok" about 20 min after W text me.

I just feel all the time that there is no hope for my sitch, but I know the truth is that I don't know what the future holds.