Someone suggest H is having a MLC....I don't know?

[Queen_of_Swords]

But the longer I am alone dealing with the fallout, living along, making a life for myself without H, the less I can care, amd the more I lean to pessimism.
Don't get me wrong I still feel strong instances of great affection and love feelings for H, but they are becoming more and more rare. I'm shutting off and finding myself going into analytical/cerebral mode.

Scylla, there isn’t a person here who hasn’t been alone dealing with the fallout.

There isn’t a person here who didn’t want to quit from time to time.

There isn’t a person here who can’t empathize with you. To a degree…

Okay. I am not trying to discount or diminish anyone's feelings here by expressing my own.

In that 6 hour seminar I took, they made the example of this you have:
Your marital relationship
Your business relationship
Your parenting relationship
Your business/working relationship remains to some degree
Your parenting relationship in collaborative raising of your kids stays intact in most instances.
Your marital relationship is over.

I am willing to bet this was a seminar about surviving divorce.

No, it was a parenting after separation course. Attendance is mandatory by the provincial government to get a divorce along with a certificate of independant counsel. After a year of separation a divorce is pretty easy to get, so in a moment of preparing for the worst,I elected to go when I had time.

It is actually a great way to look at it. However, was there anything in there about building a new marital relationship down the road?

No, the focus of that course was just to get your head around the effects of fighting, hard feelings,pettiness, using kids as weapon etc. etc. ...on the kids, and to try to help separated or divorcing couples understand they still have a relationship that needs to be workable because of the kids. Nothing about building a new marital relationship.

What is your goal? Restoring your M or surviving D?

Restoring my M. I love the guy. Is it possible to rebuild something so battered? I don't know. Do I have the determination, inner strength, patience, and ability? I don't know that either. I do know I'm willing to work, I love the H & my children. I am willing to learn, adapt/change. I have changed already.

I see you starting to get defensive, and scoffing at DB ( since what your DB coach told you did not meet your desired immediate goal )

That's your interpretation of what I wrote. It's merely a statement of fact. 93% of communication is non-verbal.
There is no blame attached. I chose to follow the advice, I had hoped for a different outcome, but I knew this was a possibility.

Were you really prepared for this to be the outcome?

In my head, yes. H had already told me he wasn't coming back, he told me in that counselors office he didn't want to work on our M, he said had tried. ( this was pre DB). Emotionally was I ready? No, no way. It hurt and still does. At the same time I was in stasis for so long, not going forward, not going back, H living away, me being alone, something had to give, and it did.

It doesn't sound like it to me, and that is why it is unadvisable to ask for things related to a R, with a MLCer, unless you are really ready for the outcome either way.

He sent me a separation agreement he got off a government site somewhere,filled in his name on the form and wrote: "Fill in what you want." I didn't do a thing with it.

I wouldn't either. Unless you want a D. Let him do the work if that is what he needs to do.

Yes. I am not choosing to participate, I may be forced to by financial circumstances.

Some MLCer’s NEED to get divorced. It is part of their process. They do things that they think will make them happy, like leaving, and then they still aren’t happy. They believe that the D will be what finally brings them the happiness that they are so searching for. IF after that, they are still not happy, at least it can hopefully no longer be your (the LBS) fault.

Mach1, I'm sorry you see it as rebuke, it's certainly not intended that way. I'm doing my level best to answer questions here and in my own mind and heart honestly and completely.
I have done a lot of deconstruction of what's he's said to me and tried, really tried to see his POV. I think I've stated that if I saw me the way he sees me, I'd not want to stay married to me either. The picture is very distorted though and I think you know that, given your understanding of MLC which is better than my own right now.

Yes, you have stated that if you saw yourself as he did, you wouldn’t want to stay married to you either.

And I asked you how you have changed, what have you done or are doing to become someone he and you would want to be married to?

Which you haven’t really answered except to say that you have started this program.

Okay, so you wanted concrete changes.
I yell rarely anymore, I'm usually able to get a grip before I reach that point.
I use my actions a bit more than words( still work in progress)
I have reduced ny anxiety, I am more relaxed and flexible. I no longer compulsively clean or fidget or tap when I need to be still and listen.
I laugh more, I smile more.
I don't anger easily or often, when I am angered I am able to take a time out, pinpoint the source and defuse it pretty quickly.
I am pleasantly assertive more than aggressive.
I can listen better ( any keep my own mouth shut) and empathetically. ( Doesn't necessarily mean I read or comprehend better )

And from your perspective, his perspective is very distorted. Which it may or may not be. I don’t know you so I don’t know. However, if it is MLC, there is a lot of distortion surrounding a small amount of truth.

I see lots of explanation and defense of yourself. A lot of you have already or are doing what people are talking about. A lot of blaming you H for not appreciating everything that you did during your M. You are “I know, I knowing” your way through all of this. Go read PEI’s thread if you want to see another who did that. Boy she was stubborn and cerebral…

When you “I know” your way through this process, you are paying lipservice to it.

I have been told I am defensive. I don't know how I am being that way, I can't even see it. I don't know what it means, in terms of how it comes across in words. I don't know what the behaviour is to change with that.

What are you so afraid to look at?

Maybe that all the things you say and my H has said to me is absolutely the truth, and I am a horrible, emasculating, condescending, bitchy, unpleasant individual to be around or even talk to.

Mach1, that five year plan is the WORK. It is the digging deep, it is the finding of my core personality, it is the purging of the bad crap; the vicious memes, and poisonous life commandments I've been given that have dictated how I should be behave, what I MUST do to get approval and acceptance, and how I unthinkingly react to old triggers. It is rewiring my brain and getting rid of trauma programming from abuse.
It takes three years to rewire a neural network. It takes fuve years for the new neurons to have myelin sheathing thick enough to make it "stick", and the old neurons to die, shrink and be absorbed for the new network to take it's place.

Ok so you have given yourself five years to get your crap together, but you won’t give your H even two.

At this point, you need this time as much as he does.

I see your point.

Your response to Mach1 was filled with condesenscion. It was filled with argument. Maybe that is not how you intended it, but it is how it came across. Verbal communication is only 7 percent of communication patterns, however, it is 100 percent of the communication we have here.

Ok, I accept that is how you see what I wrote. If I may ask, can you tell me how am I being condescending?

Read your posts. Read the responses to your posts. As an outsider.

I have read and re-read this thread several times. I can see how it can seen seen as argumentative.
Is using the words however, though, although, and but the part that is being seen by others as defensive?

I guess in seeking to clarify things I just piss people off?

How do you think you come across?

You just told me. How I think I come off is clearly not how I am coming off.